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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099415">crave you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambirouge/pseuds/bambirouge'>bambirouge</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Voyeurism, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Comeplay, Firsts, Friends With Benefits, Frottage, Future Fic, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Wet Dream</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:20:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambirouge/pseuds/bambirouge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Many things in Jisung’s life are gradual.</p><p>His growth, both in skill and in height. Mark always says that he blinked and Jisung was taller than him, but it wasn’t like that, really. Jisung caught up to him over time, then overtook him. Gradual.</p><p>Gradually, he’s learned the value of getting enough sleep at night, and stopping when his muscles begin to give out, and speaking up when the weight of everyone’s eyes on him is too much.</p><p>But this.</p><p>This is one thing that Jisung can pinpoint the inception of. When it wasn’t, and then, suddenly and with great force, it <em>was</em>.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jisung/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>212</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello, lovelies!</p><p>before we get into it, I'd like to thank my wonderful and trustworthy circle of friends—you know who you are!—who contributed their thoughts, feelings, and screeching (although it was me doing the screeching most of the time) to this story. couldn't have done it without you &lt;3</p><p>also just to be clear—jisung is an adult in this fic. it takes place near the fictional end of 2021, when nct is preparing for their first live concert post-covid.</p><p>title taken from "crave you" by flight facilities!</p><p>enjoy!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Many things in Jisung’s life are gradual.</p><p>His growth, both in skill and in height. Mark always says that he blinked and Jisung was taller than him, but it wasn’t like that, really. Jisung caught up to him over time, then overtook him. Gradual.</p><p>He’s also grown to love Jaemin’s need for constant physical affection, begrudgingly. Not that he shows it—he has to keep his reputation intact somehow—but he shies away from Jaemin less and less, sometimes even seeking him out on his own. He couldn’t say exactly when the line was crossed, because the line is blurry; its sharp edges have been filed down slowly, gradually.</p><p>Gradually, he’s learned the value of getting enough sleep at night, and stopping when his muscles begin to give out, and speaking up when the weight of everyone’s eyes on him is too much.</p><p>But this.</p><p>This is one thing that Jisung can pinpoint the inception of. When it <em> wasn’t </em> , and then, suddenly and with great force, it <em> was. </em></p><p><em> “Ahh, fuck </em> — <em> ” </em></p><p>He’s in the hallway; <em> which </em> hallway, he doesn’t know. It’s dark and could stretch on forever and ever without stopping, but the floor is wood like it is in the dorms, and Jisung is barefoot. He’s drawn to the light spilling from the door like a moth to a flame.</p><p>“Yeah, you like that?”</p><p>The voice turns his blood to mercury. He swears he has his eyes squeezed shut but somehow he can still see where he’s going, how close his feet are taking him to the frenzied sounds of skin on skin. He thinks his hands are clenched into fists but he can’t be sure.</p><p>“Fuck, baby, so good—”</p><p>Jisung’s face is hot as his eyes follow the concave of Ten’s spine, down to where Johnny’s big hands grip his sides. He traces the line of Johnny’s wrist up, up, until he reaches his shoulder, then his neck, then his bottom lip. He doesn’t dare look lower where Johnny pounds mercilessly into Ten’s ass but the sound of it is enough to make the mercury in his veins turn to pure fire.</p><p>Johnny looks untouchable. From where Jisung stands, he can map the muscles in Johnny’s upper back, how they flex and undulate each time he pulls Ten close to him. He’s seen Johnny shirtless a few times, sure, but nothing like this—nothing close to the way Johnny’s skin shines with perspiration, the way his hips snap forward at a furious pace, bruising. Jisung feels something white-hot burst in his chest, then drip down to his stomach; it travels lower when Johnny lets out a strangled moan, and Jisung brings a hand to cover his mouth as if it’s an amplifier for the sound of his heart beating, every limb of his body filled with static—</p><p>Johnny looks over his shoulder, directly into Jisung’s eyes, and Jisung is torn from sleep as a wave of pleasure crushes him completely.</p><p>In the half-dark, he comes to. His hips are still pressed up into his sheets, one arm slung over his belly and the other thrown over his head; there’s a warm, sticky feeling in his briefs that has shame suffocating him from every angle. He listens for Jaemin’s breathing in the bunk below him and when he hears that it’s steady he lets out a breath of his own, shakily.</p><p><em> Skin. Mouth. Hands. Johnny’s mouth. Johnny’s hands. Johnny’s hands on someone, on someone’s hips, JohnnyJohnnyJohnnyJohnny </em>—</p><p>Jisung shuts his eyes again, but this time, thankfully, he sees nothing. He counts silently to three, then sits up, praying that Jaemin doesn’t stir as he climbs down the ladder and tiptoes into the hall.</p><p>He washes his underwear in the bathroom sink as the sun rises and vows to bury unbidden thoughts of Johnny’s naked body where they can never be found.</p><p>“Jisung-ah!”</p><p>Jisung is sitting in front of the practice room mirror when the voice snaps him from his trance. He looks over to see Jaemin’s reflection, approaching him from behind.</p><p>“C’mon, we’re running it again.”</p><p>“Okay. Gimme a sec.”</p><p>“We’re running it <em> now, </em> Jisungie.”</p><p>“Okay, okay, I’m coming!”</p><p>Jaemin smiles and then retreats, leaving Jisung’s eyes to drift over to where Johnny and Ten are returning to the center of the practice room. It’s as if the sight of them together brushes against some obsessive part of Jisung’s brain, a part that sends flashes of slick skin and echoes of desperate moans ricocheting off the inside of his skull. He shudders and gets to his feet, cheeks burning, then promptly avoids looking at either of them for the rest of the run-through.</p><p>“Care to tell me why you got up at four a.m. this morning?” Jaemin asks him when they break for lunch. The two of them are sitting on the couch in the little concave of the practice room.</p><p>“Nightmare,” Jisung answers without hesitation. He’s been practicing this conversation all day. “Couldn’t go back to sleep.”</p><p>Jaemin frowns. “That hasn’t happened in a while. A couple years, at least.”</p><p>“Yeah, well.” Jisung wills his blood pressure to go down. He’s sure he’s blushing. “Must be the stress.”</p><p>Jaemin drops it, but Jisung is still on edge until the end of practice. When he’s gathering his stuff, he catches Johnny looking at him in the mirror—it’s brief, just a flick of his eyes, probably not more than half a second long, but it makes lightning strike in the pit of Jisung’s stomach. It’s never done that before. God knows how many times Johnny has looked at Jisung over the years, but it’s never done that before.</p><p>“You all right?”</p><p>Jisung startles at Johnny’s voice. He’s caught up to him at the door. “Uh, yeah. Why? Is something...up...with you?”</p><p>Johnny shakes his head, a peculiar smile on his mouth. “I just noticed that you looked a little scattered today.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m fine. I had a nightmare last night, actually.”</p><p>“I see.” Jisung’s throat goes dry as Johnny raises a brow. “Well, if you ever need anything, or want to talk about it—”</p><p>Ten glides in then, with his graceful hands and honeyed eyes, and takes ahold of Johnny’s arm. Jisung’s stomach twists as he looks at his feet.</p><p>“Hi,” Ten says, “you promised me hotpot.”</p><p>Jisung glances back up just in time to catch Johnny smile at Ten fondly. He bites down on the sides of his tongue.</p><p>“I did, didn’t I?”</p><p>“Sorry, Jisung-ah.” Ten smiles at Jisung apologetically. “I gotta steal him for now.”</p><p>“Yeah, I-I’ll...” Jisung swallows thickly. “...catch you later.”</p><p>Johnny grins over his shoulder as Ten drags him off. “Catch you later!”</p><p>Jisung watches their backs. Johnny’s got his arm around Ten as they flounce away, slung nonchalantly over his shoulders; they’re so effortlessly <em> close </em> that it hurts to look at. Ten laughs at something Johnny says once they’re out of earshot, and Jisung finds himself desperately hoping it’s not about him.</p><p>He thinks again about Johnny’s eyes when he was talking to him. They hadn’t left his for a second—had they always done that? Johnny’s attention has forever felt like something to bask in, but today it burned like a brand, like the point of a knife, like Jisung’s skin when he woke up this morning on the tail end of the most potent release he’s had in years. He clears his head, or attempts to, as he focuses on the too-white ceiling lights in the hallway.</p><p>And so it starts. Jisung dreams about Johnny locking eyes with him as he fucks his best friend into next Tuesday and something, somewhere, shifts irreversibly.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>Johnny notices it almost immediately.</p><p><em> Almost </em> because Ten distracts him for the first fifteen minutes of practice with stupid memes in English, probably secondhand from Yangyang. Johnny laughs at them but can’t shake the feeling of a pair of eyes on him from across the room, and when he’s sure they’re looking the other way he glances up to identify the culprit.</p><p>It’s...</p><p>Johnny frowns. Jisung is cross-legged on the floor, giggling at Yuta now, but he looks nervous. He laughs a little too loud while his knee jiggles furiously.</p><p>Johnny watches for a moment more, then turns back to Ten. Jisung’s fidgety on a good day. It’s not unusual.</p><p>“What’s up? You’re being quiet.”</p><p>“Mm...” Johnny fights the urge to look back over, then fights the urge to ask himself why he’s fighting. “...Just distracted.”</p><p>“Are you having trouble sleeping? I can always come over if you need company.”</p><p>Johnny snorts. “If you’re trying to get me to have sex with you, then forget it.”</p><p>Ten rolls his eyes. “For once I’m nice to you, and you clown me.”</p><p><em> “For once.” </em> Johnny grins. “So, you admit it?”</p><p>“All right!” Their choreographer calls. “First runthrough!”</p><p>Johnny and Ten take their places among the rest of the group. As they begin to dance, Johnny catches himself watching Jisung; he’s right, Jisung’s fidgety, but he seems just as distracted as Johnny feels. Every once in a while, Jisung’s nose will scrunch up like he’s frustrated with himself. He keeps <em> looking </em> at him—luckily, Johnny is quick and manages to look away just before their eyes meet. But it nags him through the whole first half of practice, the way Jisung’s gaze can’t keep away for more than a few minutes. The way Jisung chews on his full lower lip until it’s an angry pink, shiny with spit, how his tongue will flick across the skin to soothe it before resting at the corner of his mouth...</p><p>“Hey. Earth to Johnny.”</p><p>Ten shakes Johnny out of his thoughts. “Huh?”</p><p>“I asked you if you texted your mom yet.” Ten tosses a piece of popcorn into his mouth and laughs. “<em>What </em> is your deal today?”</p><p>Johnny makes himself laugh along with him, although nerves crowd his stomach. “I’m tired!”</p><p>“We’re all tired. Here. Open up.” Ten aims the popcorn for Johnny's mouth and misses. It bounces off his nose.</p><p>Practice goes. Johnny goofs around with Yuta and retraces steps he learned over a year ago, now; he tries to shake off the weird energy that’s stuck to him ever since he noticed Jisung constantly looking his way. It’s not like he and Jisung never interact at all—in fact, they’ve been closer than ever lately. But Johnny <em> can’t </em> be imagining it. Jisung must have something on his mind.</p><p>He happens to be looking in Jisung’s direction when Jisung lifts his shirt to wipe sweat from his brow, and the definition of Jisung’s abs hits Johnny like a 20-ton semi. He doesn’t stare—even if he did, it would only be because he’s never seen Jisung shirtless. But he does look for a quick second, just a second, just to marvel at how Jisung has kept in shape.</p><p>However, that’s not the end of it.</p><p>Jisung works some things over with their choreographer separately during a group water break, and Johnny finds himself admiring Jisung’s sharp angles again. He’s almost as tall as Johnny now, and has been for a few years, but when did his shoulders get so broad? Johnny’s eyes trace the angle of Jisung’s jaw, sharp enough to cut himself on, then move down to Jisung’s throat. From where he sits, Johnny can follow a drip of sweat that trails slowly along his Adam’s apple.</p><p>He catches himself. For a moment, he sits in utter perplexity, but he quickly shakes it off and moves on, directing his gaze elsewhere. Everyone here is attractive. It’s part of the industry. The fact that Johnny notices doesn’t have to mean anything.</p><p>Still, he catches Jisung’s odd demeanor over the rest of practice. He’ll trip where he doesn’t usually, startle even at someone speaking softly behind him.</p><p>“You all right?” Johnny asks him after practice. Jisung nearly jumps out of his skin.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. Why? Is something...up...with you?”</p><p>He’s clearly nervous. Jisung’s hands have always been telling, and right now they’re rubbing grooves into the fabric of his pants. It’s cute.</p><p>“I just noticed that you looked a little scattered today.”</p><p>Jisung’s eyebrows shoot upward. “Oh, I’m fine. I had a nightmare last night, actually.”</p><p>“I see.” It’s not the answer that Johnny’s expecting, but he supposes it makes sense. “Well, if you ever need anything, or want to talk about it—”</p><p>Then Ten bursts into frame and insists that they go to dinner, and Johnny lets himself be led out of the practice room by one hand, calling back over his shoulder. He doesn’t plan on giving Jisung’s behavior any more thought, but when they’re exiting the building, Ten asks:</p><p>“What were you two talking about?”</p><p>Johnny shrugs. “Nothing, really.”</p><p>And, purely out of curiosity, he replays the conversation over, thinking back to Jisung’s movements. It's well-known that Jisung can’t lie to save his life—there’s no way in hell he wasn’t hiding something.</p><p>Johnny decides it’s best to stay out of it. He calmly shelves the thought and doesn’t bring it out again for the rest of the night.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>Jisung is in the hallway again. Except, this time, he starts right outside the door.</p><p>It’s open just a crack, maybe a few millimeters, but the sounds filter out loud and clear, right to where Jisung stands. It’s one voice this time, and there aren’t any terms of endearment. Just...</p><p>
  <em>“Fuuuck...”</em>
</p><p>A drawn out groan that Jisung would recognize anywhere now, one that’s wormed its way into his head and dug out a sizable spot for itself. Johnny in the throes of pleasure. No mistaking him.</p><p>Jisung blushes at the slick, repetitive noises that paint a pretty picture of exactly what’s going on behind that door. Something in his gut is telling him not to open it—to leave things be and turn back to the inky nothingness of the hallway, running down it until he’s no longer able to see his hands in front of his face.</p><p>But he doesn’t listen, because something stronger and deeper down is telling him to <em> look </em> , that he <em> has </em> to look, that his whole life has been leading up to this chance at glimpsing Johnny coming undone. So, as quietly as he can, he takes hold of the door and teases it open.</p><p>The picture is pretty, yes, but it’s nothing short of absolutely debauched.</p><p>Johnny is still mostly clothed, sitting on his bed with his back against the wall; his sweatpants are pushed down to his upper thighs and he strokes himself at a steady pace. The fabric of his shirt sticks to his skin a little, especially along the line of his sternum where Jisung imagines his sweat collects. Thoughts of taking the fabric in his mouth fill Jisung’s head as his eyes drop to the head of Johnny’s cock, shiny and red and leaking all over his hand; Johnny’s perfect front teeth dig into his lower lip while he runs his thumb over the slit.</p><p>Jisung is <em> hothothot, </em> all over, from his chest up to his ears and all the way down to his own dick, which is so hard it almost hurts.</p><p>“Jisung-ah,” Johnny breathes, and he’s looking at Jisung now just like he did when Jisung caught him balls-deep inside of Ten. He doesn’t say anything else, but the invitation is there.</p><p>
  <em> Join me? </em>
</p><p>When Jisung wakes again, he doesn’t have to check his briefs to know they need a wash.</p><p>“I can’t understand it,” Jaemin says over breakfast. “He goes to bed at one in the morning and wakes up at five.”</p><p>“It’s not on purpose,” Jisung mumbles in reply.</p><p>“Well, it always wakes me up, whether it’s on purpose or not.”</p><p>“Maybe he’s just being nice,” Jeno chimes in. “Saving you from his snoring.” Jeno begins fake-snoring obnoxiously and Jisung swats him in the arm.</p><p>Jaemin rolls his eyes. “Oh, that must be it.”</p><p>“Leave him alone,” Renjun says as he gets up and takes his dishes to the sink. “He looks exhausted.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung scrunches his nose at Jeno. “Leave me alone.”</p><p>They’re on their way to separate schedules today, but Jeno rides with him. Jisung looks out the window and snaps a quick photo of the sky, trying anything to distract himself from the memory of Johnny saying his name like that. Like he was <em> pleading </em> him.</p><p>“You’re having nightmares?” Jeno asks him.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung replies, then adds, hurriedly, “They’re not that bad. They just keep me awake sometimes.”</p><p>Jeno scoffs. “They don’t sound that good, either.”</p><p>Jisung shrugs. “They’ll probably go away.”</p><p>He’s walking the edge of a thin blade, stuck between the guilt that rushes to cover him every time he wakes up from a new dream and the selfish desire telling him to lap up every scent, sound, and image his sleeping mind provides him with. He’s the same person he was before he imagined what Johnny’s body might look like under his clothes, but he can’t deny the change in the contents of his thoughts ever since; the idea of Johnny follows him around like a spectre.</p><p>They only really see each other in the practice room, but that’s where Jisung spends most of his time, anyway. It almost knocks Jisung out cold when he arrives the morning after his second dream occurs to see Johnny running a hand through his hair, relaxed and unguarded, the same loose quality to him as when Jisung peered past the door to find him touching himself.</p><p>Jisung tries to resist, he really does, but he can’t help sneaking glances at Johnny’s long legs in those sweatpants, his gut giving that horrible-awful-addictive twist as he trails his gaze upward. There’s a soft swell in the front of Johnny’s sweats that Jisung has never given a second thought, but when his eyes catch on it heat rises in places he swore he’d keep it out of.</p><p>Jisung stays as far away from Johnny as possible.</p><p>“Shit,” Chenle swears as he dies in Subway Surfers. “Fuck, that was almost a good run.”</p><p>“Why are you still playing that? Didn’t everyone lose interest, like, last year?”</p><p>Chenle rolls over on the bed to flick Jisung’s head where he sits on the floor.</p><p>“Rude.” He goes in for another flick but Jisung dodges. “I’m trying to beat my high score.”</p><p>“Lame.”</p><p>Jisung huffs as a pillow smacks into the back of his head instead, and he scrambles to grab one off the chair across the room and retaliate. He gets a few good wallops in before Chenle overtakes him and he finds himself bracing on the bed, screeching for a truce. Chenle falls next to him contentedly, taking out his phone again. Jisung hugs the pillow to his chest.</p><p>“Do you ever have, like...” Jisung starts, not entirely sure where he’s going. “...a lot of dreams in a row...like. Involving, uh, other people?”</p><p>Chenle gives him the most suspicious side-eye Jisung has ever seen.</p><p>“What the fuck are you talking about?”</p><p>“Agh, I just—” Jisung covers his face with his pillow. “Forget I said anything.”</p><p>“You mean, like, sex dreams?”</p><p><em> “No!” </em> Jisung rips the pillow away and looks at Chenle in a wide-eyed panic, then realizes his ears are growing hot. He covers them with both hands. “...I mean, like. Maybe.”</p><p>Chenle puts down his phone and turns onto his side, intrigued. “Wait, about who? Is it the same person? Just <em> how many </em>have you had, exactly?”</p><p>“—Stop, please, just—forget I mentioned it.”</p><p>“Well, I can’t do that <em> now. </em>” Chenle grins. “It’s a lot, isn’t it? You’ve had a lot?”</p><p>Jisung stares at the ceiling. “Just two.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s not that bad.” Chenle turns on his back again, putting the pillow under his head. “I once had, like, five in a row. One after the other.”</p><p>
  <em> “Fuck.” </em>
</p><p>“Yeah, it was exhausting, actually. Fun, though.” Chenle pulls up another game on his phone. “You must be really freaked out if you’re asking <em> me </em> about this. Are they, like, super nasty or something?”</p><p>“No, God, please just forget it.”</p><p>Chenle laughs. “I’m not gonna know how nasty they are unless you tell me.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Then why’d you bring it up?”</p><p>
  <em> “Chenle!” </em>
</p><p>Chenle stops, glancing at Jisung. “Sorry. It's just...sometimes you feel better if you talk about it.”</p><p>“Not this. Not this time.”</p><p>Chenle looks at him once more, then goes back to his game. He doesn’t bother Jisung about it for the rest of the afternoon.</p><p>Jisung avoids the subject. He avoids it as much as he avoids Johnny himself, which is hard to do when they’re in close quarters a lot of the time. It shouldn’t be such a source of shame—Johnny is kind, and understanding, and Jisung can’t control where his mind takes him at night—but Johnny is also his <em> hyung. </em> His hyung who lives in his memory all the time, jerking himself off while Jisung watches from the other side of an uncrossable line.</p><p>After it becomes clear that the thoughts won’t leave him alone, he turns to other methods.</p><p>He watches porn almost every spare minute he has, trying to get anyone else’s body in his head, anyone else’s voice. All it does is rile him up to the point of frenzy; he hasn’t touched himself in over a week but one night, when he’s painfully hard and aching for some small allowance of pleasure, he breaks. He comes so hard he almost blacks out, eyes stubbornly trained on his phone where two nameless people fuck performatively. He doesn’t think about Johnny.</p><p>As a consequence for all of his diversions, he finds that any vague mention of sex has his brain lighting up like a fireworks show. He lives through one too many inconvenient hard-ons before he decides that maybe the distraction method isn’t the best, and resigns to go back to evading as much as he possibly can.</p><p>The third dream comes only a day after.</p><p>His heart pounds when he finds himself back in the hallway, hand already on the door. Johnny looks over at him in the same position Jisung remembers, on the bed, leaning against the wall, one hand on his dick while the other holds his shirt up.</p><p>“Jisung-ah,” he exhales, in the exact tone that’s been bouncing off the walls of Jisung’s skull for days and days. A wildfire of <em> want </em> rips through Jisung at the sound of it out loud.</p><p>“Hyung,” Jisung replies, unsure how he’s able to find his voice.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Johnny says, his pace slowing. He grins at Jisung, a few strands of hair falling into his face. “It’s not bad. I want you, too.”</p><p>“You can’t,” Jisung replies, but he’s stepping into the room for the first time, crossing the threshold.</p><p>“I can.” Johnny lifts his hips then, pulling his sweats back over his dick, and leans forward on the bed. “And I do.”</p><p>Jisung doesn’t know how he ended up this close to Johnny, but suddenly they’re breathing each other’s air. Jisung is on the bed too, on his knees, mirroring him.</p><p>“I can’t,” Jisung says. His voice is barely there at all.</p><p>“But you do,” Johnny counters, and kisses him fiercely.</p><p>Something, some small window deep inside of Jisung, <em> shatters. </em></p><p>Jisung kisses him back, he can’t help it; Johnny is right in front of him, surrounding him, hands everywhere at once, and Jisung gives in. He touches Johnny’s pectorals, his shoulders, slides his hands around the back of Johnny’s neck to tangle his fingers in Johnny’s hair.</p><p>“That’s it,” Johnny says, pulling away to kiss a line from his jaw to his throat. “Touch me, Jisung-ah—”</p><p>“Want you to touch me,” Jisung says in return, but Johnny is already feeling down his body and palming at Jisung’s cock through his clothes. “Ahh, H-hyung—”</p><p>Johnny takes him out and starts stroking him, drawing a helpless whimper from Jisung’s mouth. It’s so <em> much </em> after he’s avoided even the thought of Johnny for so many days, and Jisung realizes he’s crying as Johnny touches him, clinging to Johnny as he bucks up into his hand.</p><p>“More,” Jisung sobs, and Johnny kisses him again, igniting every nerve in Jisung’s body. His entire being feels like a house struck by lightning, going up in flames at one touch from the heavens.</p><p>“Let go,” Johnny whispers into his ear. “Can you let go for me?”</p><p>Jisung nods frantically, his release closer than ever, and ruts into Johnny faster, harder, with more fervor than he’s ever done anything before—</p><p>He wakes with a gasp, to a flood of pleasure that immobilizes him. His mouth is flung open, and he’s so thoughtless at the fading intensity of his orgasm that he almost forgets where he is.</p><p>“Jisungie?”</p><p>Jisung’s heart sinks at his name in Jaemin’s voice, and he feels himself settle back into reality. The high is gone, but the memory sticks, bright and colorful, to the inside of his eyelids.</p><p>“Nightmare,” Jisung says, and waits for Jaemin to go back to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>Jisung is acting weird. Or, weird-<em>er. </em></p><p>Johnny resolved to stay out of his business, but now it almost seems like Jisung is making it <em> his </em> business too—he’s avoiding Johnny like the plague, only answering his texts with one or two words, and fleeing whenever Johnny looks in any way like he’s going to strike up a conversation.</p><p>Frankly, even after all that it still isn’t Johnny’s business. He’s usually content to leave well enough alone and let the other party come to him. But something about Jisung’s shifty eyes irks him, and he finds that he can’t get them out of his head.</p><p>“Has Jisung been okay lately?”</p><p>Mark looks up from his notebook and takes the pen from between his teeth. “Jisungie? Yeah, I—I mean, I think so. I haven’t had time to hang out with him much outside of practice.”</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>Johnny goes back to sifting through the latest photos on his camera, but his thoughts remain elsewhere.</p><p>“Hyung, if you don’t mind me asking—why? Are you worried about him?”</p><p>When Johnny looks over again, Mark has that earnest openness on his face, big eyes showing nothing but genuine concern. Johnny shakes his head.</p><p>“I’m probably just...overanalyzing. I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe stressed about the concert.”</p><p>“Yeah. That could be it.” Mark twirls his pen around his fingers. “I know he’s been having nightmares.”</p><p>Johnny perks up at this. “Still?”</p><p>“Pretty bad ones. Jaemin says he keeps waking him up.”</p><p>“Huh.”</p><p>Some honest part of Johnny flares with worry—he really does want to talk to Jisung, to ask him if he’s doing all right. He cares about him, as much as Jisung has been distant lately. Yet another part of him won’t let go of their last conversation, how incredibly nervous Jisung had seemed, how he’s been eluding Johnny ever since; Johnny feels like he’s missing something crucial and obvious and the longer he keeps missing it, the worse it'll get.</p><p>“Well, I hope he feels better soon.”</p><p>Mark eyes him, pen slowing. “Yeah. Me too.”</p><p>Johnny doesn’t bring it up with Mark again. A strange guilt follows him out of their conversation, although he’s not entirely sure what he has to be guilty for; he <em> is </em> concerned about Jisung, and he <em> does </em> want him to feel better.</p><p>It follows him all the way into practice the next day, and he finds himself, oddly, avoiding Jisung right back.</p><p>“You’re being weird again.”</p><p>They’re on their lunch break, and Johnny is retrieving his water bottle from his bag near where Ten sits. He looks down at Ten’s hand grabbing his sleeve, then up at him.</p><p>“What?” he whispers.</p><p>“You’re acting, like. <em> Suspicious. </em> You keep doing your suspicious face.”</p><p>“I do not!”</p><p>“Yes you do!” Ten points at him. “John Jun Suh, you tell me what’s going on this <em> instant.” </em></p><p>“Nothing’s going on!” But Johnny looks around like he’s afraid someone will hear. He shakes himself. “Seriously. Nothing’s going on. I’m probably just nervous about the concert.”</p><p>
  <em> “Probably?” </em>
</p><p>“Not what I meant!” Johnny sighs and sits down next to Ten. Jungwoo and Yuta are giggling about something across from them, immersed in their own world. “I’m stressed, okay? This is our first live concert in, what, a year and a half?”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it. I’m stressed, too.”</p><p>Johnny sighs and unscrews the lid of his water bottle, eyes drifting across the room to where Jisung practices, alone. It’s Jisung’s first concert, <em> period, </em> in a long time. Johnny understands why he wants to get things near perfect.</p><p>Suddenly, Jisung missteps and Johnny watches his eyes go wide before squeezing shut, his hand flying down to his bad knee. Without a single thought and before he can stop himself, Johnny is on his feet, striding over to the opposite side of the room where Jisung crouches.</p><p>“Hey, hey, are you okay?”</p><p>“Fine,” Jisung grits out, lowering himself to the ground. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Are you sure? You don’t look okay.”</p><p>“This happens sometimes.” Jisung offers him a weak smile. “I’m fine, really.”</p><p>“Shit, let me—” Johnny places his hand gently on Jisung’s knee, feeling around. “When Ten’s bad knee acts up, it’s always swollen. Just—”</p><p>Jisung has gone strangely silent. Johnny moves his hand below Jisung’s knee, checking for swelling, then above it, on Jisung’s lower thigh.</p><p>“It doesn’t feel too bad.” Johnny’s other hand joins his first to feel at both sides of Jisung’s knee. “Do you want—”</p><p>“Wait, sorry, get off, get off—”</p><p>Jisung retracts his leg, grimacing, and Johnny looks at him in confusion.</p><p>“Sorry, did I hurt y—”</p><p>Before Johnny can finish his sentence, Jisung is on his feet and dashing out of the practice room, leaving Johnny kneeling before empty space. On instinct, Johnny looks at Ten, whose expression is nothing short of baffled.</p><p>Johnny pauses, contemplates for a few seconds, then follows Jisung out.</p><p>He catches Jisung’s retreating form at the end of the hall, just before he takes a left into the bathroom. Johnny jogs after him, heart pounding; he’s never seen Jisung panic like this before, <em> especially </em> not in front of so many people. Worry rises in him as he slows down to catch his breath, waiting outside the door for a few moments. He’s not sure if Jisung wants to be left alone, but it never hurts to ask.</p><p>Johnny eases the door open carefully before slipping inside. The door to the only stall is shut, and it takes a second for Johnny to register—</p><p>Was that—a <em> moan? </em></p><p>Not only that, but slick, rhythmic noises echo off the tile, familiar enough that Johnny’s brain places them immediately. To his bewilderment, all the heat in his body drops to his groin, surging at the sound of another breathy moan, deep, throaty, accompanied by—</p><p>“Hyung...”</p><p>Johnny’s face <em> burns. </em></p><p>He’s definitely getting hard, and he should definitely leave to give Jisung some privacy. At this point, getting him back to practice doesn’t matter, Johnny should just—</p><p>“...<em> Fuck, </em> Johnny-hyung...”</p><p>Time stops.</p><p>So do Johnny’s lungs, and his heart, for that matter, everything ceases moving; an incredible burst of desire detonates at his core and he suddenly finds his cock pressing against the inside of his sweats.</p><p>He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t even still <em> be </em> here, no matter what’s coming out of Jisung’s mouth, he should—he should—</p><p>But what if someone comes in? What if someone else hears Jisung moaning Johnny’s name like that, someone who wouldn’t be so understanding? Something uneasy strikes him at the thought of anyone else listening to Jisung like this, but he pushes that feeling to the side and leans harder against the door to keep it closed. He shuts his eyes, waiting for it to be over, trying to—</p><p>“Ah, ah...<em> shit... </em>”</p><p>Jisung sucks a breath in through his teeth, and he’s so <em> loud, </em> for fuck’s sake, needy and desperate and Johnny’s dick is fully hard now, twitching, begging to be touched. Johnny won’t. He won’t.</p><p>“Johnny-hyung—fuck—”</p><p>But Jisung <em> wants </em>him. Jisung. Jisung, who’s been ducking out of every interaction with Johnny for weeks, who can’t take his eyes off of Johnny in the practice rooms, who’s been nervous and on edge for God knows how long now. It all makes sense.</p><p>Suddenly, Johnny’s own guilt makes sense too.</p><p>His nails dig into the flesh of his palm as he stands there, aching. This isn’t his business, he reminds himself. This was never his business. He needs to do what he does best and keep far away from—</p><p>“Hyung, <em>touch</em> me,” Jisung gasps, and Johnny shoves his hand down his pants.</p><p>It won’t take him long. He’s wet with precum, so wet, and for a moment he simply wonders at how aroused his body is after such a short time. He can’t remember the last time he was turned on like this, like he might die if he doesn’t come, like the only thing that matters is his hand on his dick and the obscene sounds filling the room.</p><p>Jisung is getting close, Johnny can hear it; his little gasps and moans are coming more and more frequently as he picks up speed. It almost tears a moan from Johnny himself, the fact that he can <em> hear </em>Jisung’s hand stroking his cock, that he can picture with perfect clarity exactly what’s going on in the stall. He’s never thought about Jisung touching himself before. He’s never even considered it.</p><p>Jisung hisses another breath, then another, and then lets out a long, strained <em> ahhh </em> as he reaches his peak. In the silence, Johnny can hear something dripping, and at first he thinks it’s the sink—but it’s too erratic, and it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the counter—</p><p>Johnny realizes with a jolt that it’s <em> come. </em> He’s listening to Jisung’s come drip onto the floor, and that alone is enough to send him hurtling over the edge, attempting to muffle a groan with the back of his hand.</p><p>It’s only in his post-orgasm haze that he realizes what he’s done.</p><p>The inside of his briefs is sticky with semen, and he’s lucky his sweats are black—any other color would be a dead giveaway. What isn’t soaking the front of his underwear is caught in the thatch of hair surrounding his dick, and his hand is wet with his own spend. Jisung is still silent on the other side of the door; terror overtakes Johnny as he grasps the fact that he has to face this now, his own actions, his own stupid decision that might cost him their relationship.</p><p>But when the stall door creaks open, Jisung’s face is far from disgust. Surprise, yes, but his mouth hangs open in unmistakable desire as his eyes journey down Johnny’s body, down to where his hand is still in his pants. Johnny slowly removes it, watching Jisung’s eyes widen as he looks at the streaks of come still painting Johnny’s knuckles.</p><p>“Can we talk later?” Johnny asks. His voice is hoarse. “Alone?”</p><p>Jisung swallows, takes a shaky breath, and nods. He goes to the sink and after a moment of hesitation Johnny follows him to the adjacent one, dipping his dirtied hand under the water.</p><p>He catches Jisung looking at it. The evidence of Johnny’s release, of Johnny’s release over <em> him. </em>Johnny finds himself doing the same, because there’s semen all the way up on Jisung’s forearm, and his stupid, big mouth is speaking again before he can tell it not to.</p><p>“You’ve got a little, um.” Johnny points to the same spot on his own forearm.</p><p>Jisung looks puzzled, then blushes deeply. “Oh,” he says, and thumbs at the stray drop.</p><p>They wash their hands without another word, until Johnny reaches over for the soap dispenser and Jisung reaches at the same time and their hands bump into each other—both wet with just water, although Johnny’s useless brain is quick to replace it with something else. The thought zings straight down to his spent dick, the idea of touching Jisung’s come, and he draws his hand back quickly.</p><p>“You can go first,” he says.</p><p>“Thanks,” Jisung mumbles in reply, equally as flustered. He lathers up the soap in his hands, with his beautiful, slender fingers—holy <em> fuck, </em> how did Johnny never notice his <em> fingers? </em>—and has to gesture at the dispenser to get Johnny to remember what he’s doing.</p><p>“Listen, I—”</p><p>Jisung looks at him through his lashes. Johnny falters.</p><p>“—I’m sorry for—that was so, so, uncool, like—not even okay, what I did, and—”</p><p>“—I want you,” Jisung blurts, effectively shutting Johnny right up. “I-I’ve been dreaming about this for—like, literally, <em> dreaming </em>—”</p><p>Johnny’s mouth goes dry. “—You dreamt about me?”</p><p>“For weeks,” Jisung replies.</p><p>“Hold on, I—” Johnny starts, “—those nightmares you’ve been having—?”</p><p>“They weren’t actually nightmares.”</p><p>Johnny tries to wrap his head around it for a moment, the fact that all while he’d been watching Jisung for signs of something wrong, worrying about him, Jisung had been dreaming about—about—</p><p>“That still doesn’t excuse it.” Johnny clenches his jaw. The guilt is still fresh. “What I did. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Jisung takes a deep breath, resigned, like he realizes Johnny won’t accept defeat.</p><p>“Thanks,” he says. “For...apologizing.”</p><p>“We should probably get back.” Johnny offers him a brief smile. “Your knee feeling okay?”</p><p>Jisung smiles back, nodding. “Yeah, it’s okay.”</p><p>“Okay, then. Let’s go.”</p><p>Jisung follows Johnny out, and so does that stubborn cloud of shame, the same one that’s been following Johnny around all morning. He grits his teeth and tries not to let it overtake him completely.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>things are.......accelerating.............👀</p><p>enjoy chapter two!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as Jisung arrives back at the dorm, he locks himself in the bathroom.</p><p>He barely survived the rest of practice with the knowledge that Johnny probably had dried come stuck to the inside of his pants, the same come that Jisung saw all over his hand when he’d lifted it. Johnny <em> touched himself </em> to him—Johnny with his saint’s patience, cool, collected Johnny, had busted all over himself at the sound of Jisung getting off.</p><p>Jisung whimpers, wets his palm and reaches for his cock, which has been half-hard since the ride home. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever go fully soft again at this rate, not with the image of Johnny’s face after Jisung opened the stall door imprinted on his eyelids. Johnny looked almost <em> sheepish, </em> an expression that Jisung doesn’t know if he’s ever seen on Johnny’s features, like he wasn’t the one who caught Jisung jerking off to <em> him </em>. And all throughout practice, he kept catching Jisung’s eye in the mirror—no hesitation this time, just a few seconds between them as a reminder of what they’d done.</p><p>Jisung’s dick throbs at the memory, and he feels his orgasm approaching with the force of a hurricane; in a panic, he holds his other hand over the head of his cock to catch his own seed. It takes everything he has in him not to gasp Johnny’s name again as he comes.</p><p>He stands there, panting, nose wrinkled at the sensation of his come pooled in the palm of his hand. He looks at himself in the mirror and catches flushed cheeks and shiny eyes, then slowly takes stock of the rest of his face, from the tip of his nose to the swell of his lower lip.</p><p>Suddenly, he has an absolutely depraved thought.</p><p>He looks down at his hand, then back up at his face. His heart rate starts to pick up as he pictures it—his eyelashes covered in come, some landing on his mouth, on his tongue. Covered in <em> Johnny’s </em> come.</p><p>Without really thinking, he takes some of his own semen onto his finger and swipes it across his cheek, then more across the bridge of his nose. He spreads it down to his chin, then, after hesitating for a moment, finishes with a drop on his lip.</p><p>He looks at himself again in the mirror. Like this, he looks utterly defiled.</p><p>Closing his eyes, Jisung pictures Johnny above him, and opens his mouth to catch Johnny’s imaginary spend. He can almost feel it hitting his tongue, and he wonders how it would taste different than his own—more bitter? More sweet?</p><p>He’s already half-hard at the idea, and he leans back against the wall to wrap his still-slick hand around his dick, hissing at the sensitivity. It hurts a little, but it’s good, <em> so </em> good, and Jisung plans on fully indulging himself in—</p><p>His phone pings from the counter.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                    johnny hyung</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> hey, are you still up for a talk? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung scrambles to stick his hands under the faucet and then grabs his phone while they’re still wet, wiping away the droplets with his sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                    me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> yeah I’m still up for it </em>
</p><p>
  <em> where? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                    johnny hyung</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I kicked haechannie out of our room </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Johnny’s room. With him. <em> Alone. </em> Jisung looks at his own reflection in disbelief, only to find that his face is still smattered with his own come. He blushes furiously and sets his phone down for a moment to clean himself up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                    me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> should I come over now? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                    johnny hyung</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> if you can :) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung instantly feels nerves rise in his chest. <em> Now. </em> Does that mean he’ll be late if he takes a shower first? He doesn’t need to lift his arm to smell the post-practice sweat he’s still covered in—yeah, he definitely needs a shower. No way around it.</p><p>He tries to keep his thoughts in order as he steps under the water, but it’s no use. Should he wear cologne? Would that make it look like he was trying too hard? Maybe Johnny likes that. It’s all he can think about, what waits for him at the other dorms—how Johnny will look, what he’ll say...</p><p>What if he tells Jisung they can’t see each other anymore?</p><p>Dread hits the bottom of Jisung’s stomach like a ship’s anchor. It’s possible. Johnny hadn’t said anything to him after the bathroom, nothing positive or negative. Just that they needed to <em> talk. </em>For all Jisung knows, that means no more sharing songs over text, no more meals shared between them, no more time alone with Johnny at all—</p><p>Unable to bear the thought of Johnny rejecting him, he frantically attempts to clear his mind and focuses on taking the quickest shower in human history. After he’s finished, he nearly slips and knocks himself out on the counter; he saves himself by flinging one hand out and grabs his pile of dirty clothes to throw into the hamper.</p><p>He considers just throwing on a hoodie and sweats for the sake of time, but—he pictures Johnny’s eyes on him again and a bolt of nervous energy zips through him like a lightning strike. He reaches for a pair of jeans instead.</p><p>“Where are you off to?” Jeno asks as Jisung flies toward the front door, and Jisung’s poor, overworked head can only come up with,</p><p>“Nowhere! I’ll be back soon!”</p><p>When he reaches the dorm, Johnny opens the door.</p><p>“Hi,” Johnny says after a moment, and there’s a funny little smile on his lips as if he’s not entirely at ease either.</p><p>“Hi,” Jisung breathes. He feels like he might pass out.</p><p>“Come on in.” Johnny steps aside to let Jisung through. “Taeyongie’s in the studio, and I think Doyoung’s in his room. Haechannie shouldn’t be back for a bit.”</p><p>Jisung can only nod, heart hammering at the inside of his ribcage, and follow Johnny to his room. Donghyuck’s side is blessedly empty, which is the first thing Jisung notices; the second thing is what Johnny’s room smells like.</p><p>Jisung has rarely been close enough to Johnny to catch his scent, but the same citrus of his cologne is present in the room, hovering over something darker and harder to place that has Jisung’s stomach fluttering. It smells like <em> Johnny, </em> a scent Jisung didn’t know he knew by heart, and he finds himself struck by the desire to drown in it.</p><p>“Just sit anywhere, ah...” Johnny moves a few articles of clothing from Donghyuck’s bed onto his desk chair, and then sits on his own bed. Jisung hesitates before slowly lowering himself onto Donghyuck’s.</p><p>“So.”</p><p>Johnny clears his throat. His hands are clasped in his lap, perfectly still as Jisung watches him take a deep breath.</p><p>“First of all, I just wanted to apologize again for earlier today. I feel so...” He trails off and Jisung’s heart sinks. He looks almost remorseful. “...well, it doesn’t matter how I feel. It wasn’t okay. Secondly, I just wanted to say that, well, you’re lucky it was me who walked in. It could’ve been a manager, or any of the other members, or—just—it’s not exactly the ideal place to rub one out.”</p><p>Jisung almost chokes but he collects himself. His heart is somewhere near his feet by now, all his hopes for the evening being shot down one by one.</p><p>“—Not that it’s a bad thing in general, which I’m sure you know by now—”</p><p>“—Yeah,” Jisung says. “I do know. You don’t have to give me the talk, Hyung, I just made a mistake. That’s all.”</p><p>Johnny freezes.</p><p>“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Jisung asks. “You already apologized. It’s okay.”</p><p>“No,” Johnny says. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lecture you.”</p><p>“...Then what <em> did </em> you want to talk about?”</p><p>Johnny takes another breath. “I guess I’m just worried about you. I couldn’t help but notice that you seem a little on edge lately. Was that about the dreams, or...?”</p><p>Jisung nods. “They just made me feel...nervous around you. Or, not nervous, really. They made me—” Jisung blushes. “You know.”</p><p>Johnny smiles. “Yeah.”</p><p>“It’s been hard to even be in the same room as you because I just—” Jisung makes an exasperated noise. “—it drives me crazy, and I feel so <em> ashamed </em>—”</p><p>“Ashamed?” Johnny frowns. “Jisung-ah, they’re just wet dreams. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”</p><p>“But they’re about <em> you.” </em></p><p>“Well...yeah.” He hears the click of Johnny swallowing in the silence. “But that still doesn’t make them anything to feel guilty about. Listen, I want you to know that you can talk to me about these things if they come up, okay? I care about you. I want to make sure you’re okay.”</p><p>Jisung nods again, hesitantly. “Thank you. I...I will.”</p><p>“You know, I...” Johnny chuckles, leaning back on his hands. “I used to have a crush on Sehunnie when we were trainees.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Jisung draws his legs up so he’s sitting cross-legged on the bed. He watches Johnny smile faintly, remembering, then direct that smile at him.</p><p>“I was so embarrassed. I think I even had a dream or two about him.” Johnny exhales a laugh. “But time passed, and...eventually it calmed down. Things went back to normal.”</p><p>Jisung’s heart gives another lurch. It’s already on the floor, but when he looks at Johnny now, unable to catch any traces of his expression from the bathroom, it sinks impossibly lower. <em> Normal. </em> Jisung doesn’t <em> want </em> things to go back to normal. He wants Johnny’s eyes on him again, like they were in his dream, Johnny’s hands on him; he knows he couldn’t have hallucinated what happened earlier during practice but it feels like some distant fantasy. Like a dream in itself.</p><p>He glances down at Johnny’s hands, which are still folded in his lap. Those same hands were wrapped around Johnny’s dick not even six hours ago. They <em> were. </em> Jisung saw the head of Johnny’s cock poking out of his sweats, had imagined wrapping his lips around it until Johnny’s spend was shooting out to cover his face, and—</p><p>“Jisungie?”</p><p>“I don’t want things to go back to normal.”</p><p>Surprise blooms on Johnny’s features, mirroring the blossom of fear that spreads in Jisung’s stomach. But there’s no taking it back now.</p><p>“You...?” Johnny tilts his head like he’s not sure he heard right.</p><p>“I don’t.” Jisung swallows thickly. “As much as it’s been...agonizing, I—I’ve never felt like this before.”</p><p>“Wait, you—”</p><p>“I mean, I. I don’t—I haven’t, y’know...with anyone...or, really <em> wanted </em> to with anyone this much, but—”</p><p>“Slow down.” Johnny leans forward again. “What are you trying to say?”</p><p>Jisung takes a deep breath. “I’ve never really <em> done anything. </em> With anyone.”</p><p>“That’s okay.”</p><p>“I’ve...thought about it before. Obviously.” Jisung covers his face with both hands. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”</p><p>“Hey, I said you could talk to me. Go on. If you want.”</p><p>Jisung keeps his face hidden. It’s odd, he finds; the words are being pulled out of him like they’re attached to a string someone is reeling up from the well of his throat. But it doesn’t feel <em> entirely </em> terrible. Even if his stomach is doing cartwheels.</p><p>“...I...like it. How it feels. I don’t want to go back to not feeling it.”</p><p>When Jisung uncovers his face, Johnny is nodding slowly. He looks contemplative, calm, although there’s a touch of color in his cheeks.</p><p>“Do you have anyone you feel comfortable enough to explore this with?”</p><p>The question hits Jisung sideways, completely out of the blue. He staggers mentally for a moment, then collects himself.</p><p>“I don’t know...?”</p><p>“What about your members?” Johnny smiles again, but it’s different. Jisung is starting to get the sense that every one of his smiles means something else. “You and Chenle are close.”</p><p><em> “Chenle?” </em> Jisung can’t help it, he laughs. “No, no. He’s too—we’re too—”</p><p>He shakes his head, hands unconsciously drifting to his ears at the mere thought. Johnny’s answering laughter rings sweet in his ears, cutting through the embarrassment.</p><p>“How about Haechannie?”</p><p>Jisung shakes his head again, grimacing. “No. I’m afraid he’d make fun of me.”</p><p>“Jeno? Jaeminie? Renjun-ah?”</p><p>Jisung just keeps shaking his head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t with <em> any </em> of them—they’re like my real hyungs. Like family.”</p><p>Johnny lets out a sigh. “Well...you can always explore by yourself. It seems like you already have been.”</p><p>Jisung’s heart is suddenly pounding again. Something about Johnny turns a key inside him, in a lock where nothing else would fit, and he finds the cacophony of thoughts that’s usually kept in an airtight container rushing out from its confines.</p><p>“What if...”</p><p>It’s hard to look, but Jisung checks Johnny’s face, just briefly. Johnny is frozen, looking at him warily, and before the wave of fear has a chance to crest in Jisung’s body he spits out the words.</p><p>“...what if I did it with you?”</p><p>Johnny’s eyebrows raise minutely. He presses his lips together and takes a breath, eyes darting away from Jisung for a moment before returning.</p><p>“What exactly are you asking?”</p><p>“You’re older than me. You probably have...experience. Am I right?”</p><p>Johnny nods and Jisung continues.</p><p>“I feel comfortable with you, and—well, not <em> too </em> comfortable, not like I do with my members, but like I wouldn’t mind if you—I mean, you already know, you <em> heard </em>me in the bathroom, you know that I—”</p><p>Jisung’s breath catches as he inhales. Johnny’s eyes are still on him, his lips still pressed together; when he releases them, they’re white for a moment before the blood rushes back.</p><p>“You want me to teach you about sex?”</p><p>The words fly straight down to Jisung’s dick, and he shifts in his seat a little as he nods.</p><p>“I...yes.”</p><p>Johnny leans back again, blinking. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then purses his lips.</p><p>“I mean, I...I guess if...” His frowns. “Is there really no one else you’d rather do it with?”</p><p>“Not...that I can think of.” Catching the hesitation on Johnny’s face, Jisung rushes to add, “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”</p><p>“No, no, I—I’m not saying no. I—”</p><p>There’s a knock on the door preceding a muffled <em> Yah! </em> that can only be Donghyuck. Johnny swears under his breath, then gets up from the bed.</p><p>“I need a shower,” Donghyuck says from where Johnny cracks the door. He pushes it open wider, locking eyes with Jisung. “What’s Jisungie doing here?”</p><p>“Just...hanging out. He’s my new roommate, didn’t you hear?”</p><p>Donghyuck rolls his eyes and enters the room, tossing his jacket on the back of the desk chair. He reaches over to pinch Jisung’s cheek.</p><p>“You coming for my spot now? Huh?”</p><p>“Yeah, and your PC, too.”</p><p>Johnny barks a surprised laugh from behind Jisung and Donghyuck mimes flicking Jisung’s forehead.</p><p>“Brat.”</p><p>Jisung scrunches his nose up, then nearly jumps a foot in the air when Johnny nudges his shoulder.</p><p>“I’ll walk you out, Sungie.”</p><p>The living room is still empty and quiet, but Jisung can’t help feeling nervous out in the open. Johnny walks him to the front door with his hands in his pockets, slowly like he’s sharing the weight of the silence between them; when they reach the door, he turns to Jisung and clears his throat.</p><p>“...I’ll think about it, okay?”</p><p>Jisung’s pulse pounds high in his chest. He nods. “Okay.”</p><p>Johnny holds his gaze, and when Jisung can no longer take it he looks away, that permanent blush hot on his face.</p><p>“Thanks for talking with me,” he says.</p><p>“Of course. Anytime.” Johnny smiles. “I’ll text you?”</p><p>Jisung’s words have all dried up, so he just nods instead. When he exits the dorm he stands outside for a moment, one hand over his racing heart, closing his eyes as the <em> feeling </em> takes over and, free of guilt, he finally lets it.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>Johnny thinks about it.</p><p>He thinks about it while Donghyuck sings in the shower, he thinks about it while he’s brushing his teeth, and he thinks about it when he’s staring at the ceiling in the dark and trying with all his might to go to sleep.</p><p>Jisung wants to learn about sex. Jisung wants <em> Johnny </em> to <em> teach him </em> about sex. The idea seems a little absurd, and while Johnny supposes it’s not completely unlike other instances of messing around with the members—namely with Mark, and then, later, Donghyuck—with Jisung it feels...different.</p><p>He’s well aware of the way Jisung looks at him, full of this breathtaking kind of longing that feels like scarcely more than a faint memory of his own experiences. But Johnny does remember it, how it felt to want someone so completely, and he knows how it can shatter a heart just as completely if the desire isn’t returned. It fills him with equal parts hunger and trepidation to think about the responsibility that would fall onto his shoulders if he were to face Jisung’s infatuation head-on.</p><p>Johnny closes his eyes and tries to think clearly.</p><p>Worst case scenario: he fumbles Jisung’s firsts and breaks his heart in the process. Jisung carries those experiences with him for the rest of his life and doesn’t speak to Johnny ever again, which...</p><p>Twin sensations of unpleasantness creep up in Johnny’s gut; one familiar and guilty and already poised to blame him for causing Jisung pain. The last thing he wants is for Jisung to feel unsafe, or scared, or like he can’t freely experiment how he wants to.</p><p>The other sensation, however, is equally unpleasant, but it arises at the thought of Jisung stepping out of Johnny’s life permanently, save for when their work requires them to cross paths. It’s selfish, and this isn’t about him. It shouldn’t matter what Johnny wants.</p><p>Then, why is Johnny even considering it in the first place?</p><p>He thinks of Jisung’s stubbornness. If Johnny says no to him, he’s likely to ask someone else once his crush has blown over, and—who would that be? Who else would Jisung choose to trust? All of the members are trustworthy, this Johnny knows; however, some might come off as too tense and make Jisung even more nervous while others wouldn’t be nearly as careful with the situation. It’s a delicate balance.</p><p>Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose, head aching. He’s capable of balancing; he knows this. But sex is unpredictable. <em> Lust </em> is unpredictable.</p><p>He falls asleep after many hours of thinking himself in circles.</p><p>When he arrives at practice again, Jisung seems to have returned to his flightiness, just as he was before he and Johnny had their run-in in the bathroom. Johnny watches him fidget and avoid eye contact for hours, even in the mirror, then sit alone when it comes time for their lunch break. It makes something twist in Johnny’s stomach. He knows he’s keeping Jisung waiting.</p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says as he approaches Jisung, who’s sitting near the corner with his back to the mirror. “Can I sit?”</p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>They eat in silence for a moment. Johnny isn’t sure how much he should say.</p><p>“Dreams bugging you again?”</p><p>Jisung gives a half-laugh and a half-smile. “Is it that obvious?”</p><p>Johnny smiles back. He wants to tell him he’s made his decision, that yes, he’ll agree to being Jisung’s safe place to experiment, or even no, he’s afraid he’ll hurt Jisung along the way. One or the other. And yet, the knot refuses to untangle.</p><p>“Are you still thinking about it?”</p><p>Johnny looks at his knees, drawn into his chest. “Yeah.”</p><p>There’s another beat. Johnny knows he should say something, <em> anything </em> at this point, but he’s stuck on the same scratched record, that neverending tug-of-war that just won’t settle itself.</p><p>“You can say no. I won’t be upset.”</p><p>Johnny glances over at Jisung, who’s got his gaze trained on the floor. His knee is bouncing and when he turns to look at Johnny for a brief moment, the expression on his face makes him seriously doubt that statement.</p><p>“I know,” Johnny replies, all the same. “It’s just a lot to think about.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I—I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that. I know it’s kind of a big thing to ask.”</p><p>“No, no. You’re fine.”</p><p>Jisung chews on his thumbnail. “And I know that...you probably don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you.”</p><p>A soft laugh escapes from Johnny’s lips. Jisung is full of surprises.</p><p>“Is that so?”</p><p>“I’ve been thinking about it, too.” Jisung takes a breath and looks at Johnny head on, shoulders squared in determination. “I-I’m not asking for a commitment. We could—we could even set ground rules to make it extra clear.”</p><p>Johnny looks at him right back, at the way it seems like he’s forcing himself to keep steady eye contact, the way the set of his brow is confident while the slight curve of his mouth speaks of hope, hope, hope. He looks at Jisung’s face as a whole, a young man’s face, now. A young man who lights a fire in his belly that just won’t calm down.</p><p>“Okay,” Johnny murmurs.</p><p>Jisung freezes. “Okay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Johnny smiles. “Let’s do it.”</p><p>Jisung grins, huffing a laugh in disbelief before looking forward again and trying to bite down on his smile. It’s contagious; Johnny is beaming before he even knows it, unable to quiet the warmth unfurling in his chest.</p><p>But with that warmth comes a different kind of heat, one laced with anticipation of what he’s just agreed to.</p><p>“Do you want to come over again so we can work things out?” Johnny asks. “I can make sure we’re not interrupted this time.”</p><p>“Okay. Tonight?”</p><p>“You got anything better to do?”</p><p>Jisung smirks. “Definitely not.”</p><p>Someone calls for the end of their break, and then Johnny is back on his feet again, throwing a final grin over his shoulder, awash with butterflies.</p><p>“What is it this time?” Donghyuck complains when Johnny asks him to leave their room free that night. “You could just fuck me instead of jerking off for the entire night.”</p><p>“Please,” Johnny begs, “I need some quiet time. Alone. Go spend the night with Mark, he’s been whining about how he needs to get laid.”</p><p>Donghyuck narrows his eyes. Johnny sticks out his lower lip.</p><p>“I’ll buy you food.”</p><p>Donghyuck lets out a big sigh, then shakes his head. “Fine. Okay. But I need that in writing.”</p><p>After Johnny sends Donghyuck a binding text promising him a meal, he finally finds himself alone in their room. He feels a little fidgety like Jisung does during practice, not quite sure what to do with his body, so after he tells Jisung to come over he begins to clean.</p><p>He still has doubts, he thinks as he hangs up a coat in the closet. He doesn’t know if there’s a way into this <em> without </em> doubts, which is both a comfort and a worry; Johnny’s teetering on the edge of a precipice with no way to see where he’s about to fall. He’s <em> nervous </em>. He doesn’t get nervous like this often.</p><p>“Hi,” he says when Jisung arrives at the door, overcome with déjà vu.</p><p>“Hi,” Jisung replies. “Um, long time no see.”</p><p>Johnny smiles. “Come in. It’s freezing.”</p><p>Johnny allows himself to admit that Jisung looks good, even if he’s just wearing his red flannel and a pair of black jeans. Jisung kind of looks good all the time, Johnny realizes, and feels heat stir in his stomach.</p><p>“Okay,” Johnny says once they’re seated in the same place, across from each other on respective beds. “How do you want to do this?”</p><p>Jisung tilts his head. “Well, maybe we could, like. Write down the rules. Just so we have them.”</p><p>“Sounds good,” Johnny replies. He pulls up the notes app on his phone. “Do you want to go first, or should I?”</p><p>“You can go.”</p><p>“Okay.” Johnny takes a breath. “We need to be completely honest with each other. If you’re feeling uncomfortable at any point, just say so.”</p><p>“Right. Yes.” Jisung nods, thinking. “Um...no commitment. You’re free to be with anyone else.”</p><p>“As are you,” Johnny adds. “Which means we should always use condoms, if it comes to that.”</p><p>Jisung blushes all the way down to his collarbone. “Agreed. Also...we should probably keep this between us, right?”</p><p>“Good idea.” Johnny eyes him. “And work comes first.”</p><p>“Definitely.”</p><p>Johnny types the last rule down and looks back up at Jisung. “Mm...anything else?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Can you think of anything?”</p><p>Johnny smirks. “Have fun?”</p><p>Jisung laughs, the tension between them bending for a moment but not breaking completely.</p><p>“Sure,” he says. “I...I think that’s everything.” He rubs his palms over his knees, and Johnny can see them trembling from where he sits. “So...what now?”</p><p>“Well...” Johnny raises a brow. “We could do something right now, if you feel ready.”</p><p>Something like panic flashes across Jisung’s face and Johnny is opening his mouth to take it back when Jisung answers,</p><p>“Okay. Yeah.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes, I’m sure.” Jisung’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “W-what do you want to do?”</p><p>“We could...just start by masturbating together. You know, to get a sense of what we like.”</p><p>Jisung is red as a tomato as he plays with the shell of his ear. “Okay.” He giggles deliriously. “I might not be able to, um—I’m kind of nervous, so—”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it.” Johnny smiles and pats the spot next to him on his bed. “Come sit.”</p><p>Jisung rises slowly, timidly, then sits down next to Johnny. Johnny catches his eyes flick down to his body for a half second before snapping back up to his face.</p><p>“You can look,” Johnny tells him. He slides a hand down to the front of his jeans and rests it there. “Is this okay?”</p><p>Jisung nods.</p><p>“I need to hear you say it.”</p><p>“Yes,” Jisung rasps. His eyes travel back and forth from Johnny’s face to his hand like he can’t decide which he wants to look at more, and it <em> burns </em>, like Jisung’s fingers themselves are trailing down his abdomen to rest on his clothed cock.</p><p>That familiar guilt surges up at the feeling and Johnny clenches his jaw, shutting his eyes. Maybe if he pictured someone else—he conjures up Taeyong’s figure, his sure hands and clever tongue, and feels arousal stir in the depths of his stomach. He palms himself through his jeans as old heat creeps in slowly, but—</p><p>But he’s met with a shaky exhale, and he opens his eyes to find Jisung’s pupils wide and dark, watching Johnny’s hand work himself over his pants.</p><p>His cock twitches.</p><p>Jisung smiles sheepishly and directs his gaze elsewhere but the damage is done; Johnny’s dick hardens steadily now as the look on Jisung’s face refuses to leave him. Guilt twists up in his arousal but he tries to smash it flat, focusing on the way Jisung’s chest rises and falls at a rapid pace.</p><p>“I’m going to take my cock out now,” Johnny breathes. “You doing all right?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung murmurs. Johnny looks down to see a growing bulge at the front of his pants, but Jisung seems to be firmly ignoring it.</p><p>“You can touch yourself if you want to,” Johnny says.</p><p>Jisung looks down at his dick briefly, then wiggles his hips a little, grabbing handfuls of the comforter.</p><p>“I...um...”</p><p>“I can look away.”</p><p>“No,” Jisung says. “I...I want you to watch.”</p><p>Johnny exhales heavily at the thought; he’s fully hard now just from taking in the way Jisung gets aroused, his cock straining at the zipper of his jeans.</p><p>Carefully, with unsteady hands, Jisung undoes his button and zip, then squeezes his bulge through his underwear. Johnny can’t help but roll his hips as he watches Jisung’s teeth sink into his lower lip.</p><p>Johnny quickly undoes his own jeans, sighing in relief as his cock slaps against his stomach. Jisung’s eyes immediately drop to it, and he licks his lips idly, almost unconsciously. Johnny can’t help but glance at Jisung’s clothed dick in turn, desire mounting as he eyes the dark, wet spot at the front of his briefs; when Jisung reaches inside and takes himself out, Johnny’s breath catches.</p><p>Suddenly, he can hardly remember what Taeyong’s body looks like.</p><p>Jisung’s cock isn’t small by any means, and it looks almost painfully hard, twitching as Jisung smears some of his precum around the head. Johnny feels undone with the abrupt desire to lean over and swallow it down until it touches the back of his throat, but he forces himself to focus on the task at hand.</p><p>“Have you ever tried, um,” he starts, “the head, like this—”</p><p>Johnny uses his left hand to rub his palm over the tip of his dick while his right strokes the shaft, moaning quietly.</p><p>“Yeah, I—<em> mmh </em> —I’m kind of sensitive, so I usually save that for—y’know— <em> later </em>—”</p><p><em> Sensitive. </em> Johnny’s grip around his cock tightens. Jisung is barely two feet away from him, jeans shoved down, one of his ungodly large hands wrapped around his dick and stroking it feverishly. The realization of what’s happening sets flame to Johnny’s whole being and he finds that just like before, his release is approaching much sooner than usual.</p><p>“What do you like?” Johnny asks him in between breaths. “Like, when you jerk off, what do you usually...?”</p><p>“I like, um...”</p><p>Jisung’s face is dusted with a pretty pink, and he tips it back as he makes a loose fist and begins fucking up into it.</p><p>“Oh, <em> fuck,” </em> Johnny groans before he can stop himself, but the movement of Jisung’s hips sends a ripple of pleasure down to his cock, and he hurries to grab the base tightly.</p><p>“Shit,” he says, “sorry, didn’t realize how close I was—”</p><p>“—I’m close too,” Jisung says, jaw slack with ecstasy. “D-do you want to—at the same time—?”</p><p><em> “God.” </em> Johnny is panting now, sweat forming at his hairline. “Yeah, let me—”</p><p>He grabs a few tissues from the bedside table and hands one to Jisung, who ducks his head as he takes it—he’s still shy, even as his cock leaks a slick stream of precum down the shaft.</p><p>“Okay,” Johnny grunts, “Just tell me when—”</p><p>The column of Jisung’s throat is exposed again as he lifts his chin, his lips parting. “—Almost—”</p><p>Little half-moans fall from his tongue, aborted versions of the ones that ricocheted off the walls of the bathroom. Johnny aches to hear them drawn out, to hear Jisung give into sensation completely again, to drive his cock into Jisung so hard that he screams Johnny’s name—</p><p>“—<em> Now,” </em> Jisung keens, and Johnny lets go.</p><p>He barely remembers to hold the tissue over his dick while pleasure overtakes him, breathing heavily as he resists moaning loud enough to alert the entire dorm. Jisung does let a gasp loose, his body folding in on himself as his mouth drops open; he hiccups through the aftershocks and thrusts weakly into his hands while his release has its way with him. He stays like that for a moment afterward, curled in on himself, face screwed up on the tail end of bliss.</p><p>“Holy shit,” Jisung pants. “That was, like—one of the best orgasms of my life.”</p><p>Johnny chuckles, leaning back on his elbows. “I’m glad. It wasn’t too bad for me either.”</p><p>Jisung finally meets his eyes. Johnny grins, that pleasant post-orgasm glow settling over his skin, and Jisung grins back, and before he knows it they’re both bursting into laughter.</p><p>“Here,” Johnny says after buttoning his pants, holding a hand out to Jisung. “I can take that to the bathroom.”</p><p>Jisung hesitates for a moment before handing him the tissue that he’s crumpled up, and Johnny tries not to let the fact that he might be touching Jisung’s come affect him. He’s still reeling from the effect seeing Jisung like that has on him; he firmly reminds himself that this is mainly for Jisung’s benefit but thoughts of how Jisung would look and sound while bouncing on his cock run laps around his head.</p><p>Jisung is buttoned and cleaned up by the time he gets back to the room, frowning as he types something on his phone.</p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>When Jisung looks up, a sweet smile spreads across his face and Johnny is reminded of that longing he vowed to be careful with. His stomach clenches.</p><p>“Really good,” Jisung replies. “The hyungs are starting to wonder where I am, though. I should probably go.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Johnny walks him to the door again. As he turns to Jisung to bid him goodnight, he notices Jisung’s eyes flickering down to his lips, and he unconsciously leans back a little.</p><p>“Sleep well,” Johnny tells him. It comes out soft, night-quiet.</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>Jisung gives him one last shy smile before opening the door, and when Johnny finds himself alone again, he lets out all the air in his lungs.</p><p>Balance. No problem. He’ll just have to do this gradually.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here we are, at chapter three already! thanks for waiting, the third chapter always kicks my ass a bit. and a special thank you to my dear silk, who has helped raise this brainchild with me while weathering its many evolutions and plot knots. so excited to show you what comes next!</p><p>&lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a few days before Jisung sees Johnny again since their schedules get busier; the concert and the comeback are both drawing near and Jisung finds himself with little time to even sit still.</p><p>The dreams have stopped completely; Jisung can’t decide whether he’s relieved or disappointed now that he’d come to terms with what they meant. But he can’t deny that the few extra hours of sleep in the morning make a difference, and he’s got Jaemin off his back about waking him up before sunrise.</p><p>He still thinks about Johnny constantly.</p><p>In the car on his way to schedules, he’ll dreamily replay the scene in Johnny’s bedroom, how Johnny looked at him like he wanted to devour him. How he made Johnny come just by showing him how he liked to touch himself.</p><p>He jerks off in the shower thinking about the possibility of Johnny touching him again—all he has for reference is Johnny’s hand on his thigh that day, the day Johnny discovered him in the bathroom that seems like so long ago now. He imagines what Johnny’s hand would feel like around his dick and comes embarrassingly fast, then bashfully rests his head against the wall of the shower. While water swirls down the drain, he wishes he could feel Johnny’s hands gripping his hips, whispering the kind of dirty things in his ear that seem to come naturally to him.</p><p>“Your footwork is fucked-up clean,” Johnny tells him during a water break. “I don’t know how you do it.”</p><p>Jisung reddens. “Just...lots of practice, I guess.”</p><p>Johnny smiles at him, charming with a hint of reprimand. “Yeah, and you’re a natural.”</p><p>The urge to cover the tips of his burning ears with both hands is strong, but Jisung just directs his gaze elsewhere and tries to hold a ridiculous, pleased grin at bay.</p><p>“Thanks.” He clears his throat. “But, I mean...when you dance...it’s hard to look away.”</p><p>Johnny’s smile softens and he bites his lower lip ever so slightly.</p><p>“Oh, yeah?”</p><p>Jisung swallows. “Yeah.”</p><p>Johnny’s words have an unnatural effect on him, and although they aren’t able to exchange many between schedules, his voice returns to Jisung at even the busiest of moments. It’s so <em> deep </em>, especially when he leans in to murmur something in Jisung’s ear; Jisung gets off on the thought of all sorts of things hummed in its velvety tone. He feels like he’s going insane waiting for an opening in both their plans, and when he can’t stand it anymore, he devises a scheme.</p><p>“Hyung,” he says to Johnny when they break for lunch. “My knee’s kind of bothering me today.”</p><p>Johnny immediately looks worried, his eyes darting down to Jisung’s knee in concern. “Really? Did you do anything to it? How much is it hurting?”</p><p>“Not that much,” Jisung replies. “Actually, I think it might help if someone just...massaged it a little...”</p><p>Johnny stops. He narrows his eyes but the beginning of a crafty smile is already on his lips, the apples of his cheeks a dead giveaway.</p><p>“Hyung can give you a massage. C’mere.”</p><p>Heart pounding, Jisung scoots forward so his knee is in front of Johnny’s crossed legs. Johnny reaches over with a smirk and squeezes the sides of Jisung’s knee gently, rubbing his thumbs over the meat of Jisung’s lower thigh. Jisung takes a shaky breath, willing the heat in him not to converge completely in his groin.</p><p>“Tell me if it hurts too much,” Johnny says with a pointed look, and Jisung nods distractedly. Johnny’s hands on him are like heaven, warm and strong and sure; his fingers alternate between working Jisung’s muscles and tracing gently over the slopes and dips of the joint. It doesn’t take long before Jisung feels his cock stirring in his sweats, and frantically, he slaps one hand over Johnny’s.</p><p>“I...thank you. That did help.”</p><p>Johnny eyes him slyly, that smile still playing at the corners of his mouth.</p><p>“Anytime.”</p><p>It’s almost a week before they’re able to meet outside of practice. Jisung’s stomach does a double backflip when he gets the text from Johnny saying he’s also free, and he immediately races to take a shower and get dressed. When Jisung arrives at the dorm, Taeyong is cleaning the kitchen, and he offers a shy greeting to him as he follows Johnny to his room.</p><p>“Is he going to be out there the whole time?” Jisung asks. Johnny locks the door behind them as carefully as he can, sighing.</p><p>“I can put on some music just in case. We’re going to have to be quiet.”</p><p>While Johnny turns on the speaker, Jisung settles on his bed—he figures they’re past the point of sitting awkwardly across from each other. After Johnny turns up the music, he sits down next to Jisung, facing him, and exhales an unsteady laugh.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Jisung smiles, nervous. “Hey.”</p><p>“How’ve you been? It’s been a long week.”</p><p>Jisung nods. “You know. Busy.” He looks down at his fingers, fidgeting with them. “I’ve been thinking about you.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Johnny gives him an easy, alluring smile. “Any ideas for today?”</p><p>“Um...”</p><p>Jisung knows precisely what he wants. He’s thought about sucking Johnny off more times than he can count this week, so much so that he’s got the imagined sensation of it down to a science. But...</p><p>“We could try, like,” Jisung starts, “the same thing we did last time but...to each other.”</p><p>Johnny nods slowly. “Okay. Can you tell me exactly what you want to do?”</p><p>Jisung shifts in his seat. Desire builds in him but the words are unfamiliar on his tongue, sticking to it like flies in a spider’s web.</p><p>“I want to...get you off with my hand. And have you do the same to me.”</p><p>“Better.” Johnny smiles again and moves closer. “Do you want to just start by touching each other? Like, in other places, just to work up to it.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Johnny is less than a foot away from him now, filling the air with electricity.</p><p>“Can I touch you?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Johnny gently rests his hand on Jisung’s knee, an echo of the massage Jisung asked for during practice. Again, he swipes his thumb in a few semicircles, and a shiver breaks out in Jisung’s body, traveling from the top of his spine down to his toes.</p><p>Johnny’s hand moves up and around to the outside of Jisung’s thigh, making its way to his hip where it rests there and squeezes.</p><p>“Doing okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung feels the words getting stuck in his throat again but he takes a breath and pries them free. “C-can I touch you?”</p><p>Johnny smiles. “Yes.”</p><p>Jisung is shaking with adrenaline, but he tries to make his motions sure as he places his hand on top of Johnny’s own where it grasps his hip. Deliberately, he slides his palm up and over the tendons of Johnny’s forearm until he reaches his elbow, where he tries out a few strokes with his own thumb. When he looks up, Johnny’s smiling.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Johnny shakes his head. “Nothing. You’re just cute.”</p><p>Jisung flushes. <em> Cute. </em> He’s used to being called cute, by his hyungs, by managers, by his family. <em> Cute </em> from Johnny’s lips sends bashful warmth to his belly but...it doesn’t belong here. Not when Johnny is touching him like this. Determinedly, he lets his hand travel the rest of the way up Johnny’s arm, past his biceps, over the muscles in his shoulder.</p><p>“Is this okay?” he asks.</p><p>Johnny nods. “Yes. You can keep going.”</p><p>Johnny’s hand feels hot on his hip, and Jisung is acutely aware of its presence as he flattens his palm against Johnny’s chest. Johnny’s eyes are dark while he watches Jisung trail his hand down, down, fingers skimming past the lines of Johnny’s abs. He stops at Johnny’s waistband, meeting his gaze. A pause.</p><p>Slowly, cautiously, Johnny places his hand over Jisung’s and moves it down until he’s cupping Johnny’s cock.</p><p>“Okay?” Johnny asks. Jisung nods rapidly.</p><p>In turn, Johnny moves his hand from Jisung’s hip and slips it under Jisung’s shirt, just a little, moving it lengthwise until it’s right above the bulge in Jisung’s pants. Jisung, not entirely aware of what he’s doing, squeezes Johnny’s cock like a plea, and when Johnny shifts his hips forward with a strained exhale, Jisung moves Johnny’s hand down to where he throbs with want.</p><p>Johnny catches his eye and smiles again, flirtatious. He begins to rub Jisung over his pants and Jisung can’t help but let out a moan, to which Johnny presses a finger to his own lips in a <em> hush </em> symbol. Jisung’s heart quickens when he remembers Taeyong in the kitchen.</p><p>“Sorry,” he breathes.</p><p>Johnny just smirks and lets his thumbnail catch lightly on the head of Jisung’s cock, making Jisung twitch and clap a hand over his mouth to muffle a mewl. Johnny swears quietly and begins stroking Jisung more insistently, and it’s all Jisung can do not to whine as he ruts into Johnny’s hand.</p><p>“Shit,” Johnny says, “can I unbutton you?”</p><p>Jisung nods, eyelids heavy. “Yes, please.”</p><p>Johnny wastes no time undoing the button on Jisung’s jeans and gripping his cock through his underwear; Jisung brings both hands up to cover his mouth but a moan still escapes through the cracks in his fingers.</p><p>“You’re loud in bed, huh?” Johnny tips his head to the side. “Like when I walked in on you in the bathroom, is that how you usually are?”</p><p>“I’ve learned to be quiet but—<em> ahh </em>—” Jisung squeezes his eyes shut and attempts to shove the sounds right back down his throat. “—right now I—I can’t help it—”</p><p>“Here.” Johnny takes off the button-up over his shirt and holds it in front of Jisung’s face. “Do you want to try muffling with this?”</p><p>Even inches away from his nose, Jisung can pick up Johnny’s scent. The shirt is imbued with it; not just with his cologne but with that headier thing that falls over Jisung’s tongue like a dark, sweet film. Jisung leans forward on instinct, already opening his mouth, and nods.</p><p>The fabric, when it’s pressed into his mouth, is unexciting. But when his nose buries in Johnny’s scent, completely overpowered by it, coupled with the touch of Johnny’s palm slick with Jisung’s own precum—</p><p><em> “Mmnf,” </em> Jisung moans, eyelids fluttering. He wonders if Johnny still thinks he’s cute now with his shirt stuffed between his teeth, getting soaked with saliva while he whimpers into the fabric.</p><p>“You told me you like to fuck your fist,” Johnny says, somehow retaining a scrap of calm through all this. “Would you like it if I—”</p><p>“Nnn,” Jisung replies, and shakes his head. He reaches down to wrap his hand around Johnny’s and sets the pace nice and easy, making sure not to overwhelm himself right away.</p><p>“So, slower?” Johnny asks.</p><p>Jisung nods, and Johnny tightens his grip ever so slightly, making him see stars. Johnny leans in so he’s next to Jisung’s ear, close enough that Jisung can feel his breath on his cheek.</p><p>“Good?”</p><p>“Mmh.” Jisung nods enthusiastically. Johnny is <em> right there, </em> practically begging for Jisung to get lost in him, and he just can’t be imagining the way Johnny bends down a little to get closer to his neck. He thinks he hears Johnny inhale quietly but it’s hard to make out over the music.</p><p>Johnny removes his hand from the shirt in Jisung’s mouth to stroke softly at Jisung’s balls and Jisung <em> squirms, </em> his stifled moans growing higher. He’s still halfheartedly tracing the outline of Johnny’s dick but the stimulation is too much, that blinding pleasure is building in him again as he tries through a series of squeaks to warn Johnny that he’s getting close.</p><p>Johnny laughs. “Everything all right?”</p><p>Jisung nods again, rolling his hips up into Johnny’s hand; Johnny picks up the pace and the sound of his hand jerking Jisung off alone makes Jisung want to cry with arousal. He tips his head back and tries to thrust in time with Johnny’s motions but he’s uncoordinated, overwhelmed, so turned on that he abandons Johnny’s rhythm altogether and starts moving at a hurried pace. Johnny draws back again, looks into Jisung’s blurry eyes with his own blazing ones, and smirks.</p><p>“You gonna come for me?”</p><p>A gasp rips from Jisung’s throat as he shoots all over Johnny’s hand, holding his breath through it because he knows that if he didn’t he’d moan loud enough for Johnny’s shirt to be rendered totally useless. When he opens his eyes Johnny is still looking at him, and it nearly knocks Jisung out cold to realize that Johnny just <em> watched him come, </em> never looked away for a second, witnessed the pleasure that he himself brought on as it overtook Jisung completely.</p><p>Jisung removes the shirt from his mouth with shaky hands.</p><p>“I...thank you.<em> Wow.” </em></p><p>Johnny smiles, amused. “You’re welcome.”</p><p>Jisung watches him grab a tissue from the bedside table and clean his hand off; as he buttons his pants he lets his eyes drop to the bulge still prominent in Johnny’s jeans. Instantly, his mouth begins to water.</p><p>“Can I do you now?”</p><p>“Do what to me?”</p><p>Jisung swallows. “Can I...make you come?”</p><p>And Johnny doesn’t have the cleanest mouth, but Jisung doesn’t know if he’s ever heard him swear this much. Johnny spits a few curses under his breath and scoots back over to where Jisung sits with his fingers fidgeting again.</p><p>“Is that a yes?” Jisung asks.</p><p>“Yes,” Johnny breathes, “yes, yeah. Here—”</p><p>He undoes his own pants and Jisung scrambles to get his hands on him, letting out a breath when Johnny’s cock twitches under his palm.</p><p><em> “Fuck,” </em> Johnny murmurs, head tipped back so the line of his jaw is exposed.</p><p>“Can I—?”</p><p>“Yeah, go ahead—”</p><p>Jisung pulls Johnny’s briefs down and takes hold of Johnny’s cock, warm and heavy in his hand. It’s thicker than Jisung’s and Jisung blushes as he imagines how it would feel in his—what it would feel like if—</p><p>“Like this,” Johnny says, wrapping his hand around Jisung’s. Jisung’s thoughts are tripping over themselves now, picturing Johnny stretching him open and then pushing into him, slow and gentle, easing the burn with open-mouthed kisses—</p><p>Jisung blinks hard. He tries to bring his focus back to his hand on Johnny’s cock, making a ring with his fingers and letting them catch on the edge of the head like he’s seen in porn videos.</p><p><em> “Shit,” </em> Johnny hisses. One of his hands is holding his shirt up above his abs and Jisung’s eyes catch on them, perfect skin that he imagines would taste faintly of salt.</p><p>“Are you loud in bed, too?” Jisung quips, and Johnny grins at him in return.</p><p>“Sue me.” He bares his teeth, sucking air through them. “Feels really fucking good.”</p><p>Arousal pools in Jisung’s stomach again just at those words, at the sight of Johnny unraveling under his hands. There’s no other explanation, this newfound power <em> must </em> go to his head, because when his gaze drops down to where Johnny grasps at the comforter he speaks before he can think not to.</p><p>“Put your fingers in my mouth.”</p><p>Johnny’s eyes widen. “Put my—?”</p><p>“If you want to,” Jisung adds quickly, “Hyung. But it’s cool if you’re, like—”</p><p>“No, no, I want to, I just—I heard you right, didn’t I? You want me to put my fingers in your—”</p><p>“—mouth, yeah.”</p><p>Jisung’s strokes slow as the moment stretches taut, static building in the pit of his stomach. Carefully, Johnny lifts his hand up from the covers, extending two fingers as he gets closer to Jisung’s mouth; he gently rests them on Jisung’s lower lip for a moment, pressing an indent into it and testing its consistency. When Jisung can no longer stand it, he opens his mouth wider and lets his tongue slide out to flick at the tips of Johnny’s fingers, heat sparking when Johnny shivers visibly.</p><p>Fighting to keep eye contact, he closes his lips around Johnny’s fingers and bobs down slowly, just like he’s imagined doing on Johnny’s cock a hundred times. He watches Johnny’s throat as he swallows, seemingly hypnotized by the point where his fingers disappear into Jisung’s mouth.</p><p>“Holy fuck,” Johnny exhales when Jisung closes his eyes and goes deeper. “Holy <em> shit, </em>I—”</p><p>Jisung pulls off to catch his breath. “What?”</p><p>“I just didn’t know you...” Johnny looks at his own fingers in wonder, then back at Jisung. “You...”</p><p>“I told you, Hyung. I’ve thought about a lot of things.”</p><p>Not a moment wasted, he takes Johnny’s fingers into his mouth again and resumes his motions on Johnny’s cock. He laves his tongue around the digits, just to feel them, just to map the shape of Johnny’s knuckles while introducing Johnny to the sensation of his tongue. He feels Johnny press down on it lightly and moans in response, briefly forgetting their circumstances, but Johnny’s more insistent press that follows tells him to be quiet.</p><p>“God,” Johnny whispers, “Jisungie, your <em> mouth </em>—”</p><p>Johnny is panting as Jisung picks up the pace, using his other hand to rub over the head of Johnny’s dick like he showed him how to do. Johnny’s moaning choked-off and desperate like he can’t help it, and it only spurs Jisung on to pull off his fingers again and say,</p><p>“Hyung, can I taste you?”</p><p>Johnny comes without warning, and Jisung jumps a little as he feels Johnny’s spend hit his hand. But he strokes Johnny long and even while semen leaks from his slit and drips onto the back of his hand, steering away from the urge to bring it to his mouth and lap up the mess. He feels like he’s already done too much.</p><p>“Fuck,” Johnny says, chest still heaving. “I underestimated you.” He laughs, breathless, as Jisung blushes.</p><p>“Is that a compliment?”</p><p>“Definitely.” Johnny grabs more tissues to clean himself up and Jisung looks away, suddenly shy. “Doesn’t seem like there’s much to teach.”</p><p>“There’s just things I want to try,” Jisung replies. “You know. Things I’ve thought about.”</p><p>When he looks back, Johnny’s giving him a lopsided grin, and it makes electricity sizzle between his legs.</p><p>“Like sucking cock?”</p><p>Jisung’s dick twitches. He presses his lips together in hopes of not completely giving himself away, but he imagines there must be color in his cheeks by now.</p><p>“Yeah. Like that.”</p><p>Johnny lets out a breath. “Well, it’s getting late, but...maybe we could try that next time.”</p><p>Jisung perks up. “Really?”</p><p>“If you’d like to.”</p><p>Jisung nods eagerly. “I would.”</p><p>Johnny huffs a laugh. He grins, looking away, before getting up from the bed and making his way to the door. Quietly, he unlocks it, then cracks it open.</p><p>“Taeyongie’s back in his room.” He turns back to Jisung, then jerks his head in the direction of the living room. “C’mon.”</p><p>Jisung follows him out, almost routine by now, standing to face Johnny when they reach the front door. His forehead is a little sweaty, and his eyelids are relaxed and lowered; unbidden, Jisung remembers how he looked with Jisung’s hand around his dick.</p><p>Jisung wants to kiss him. So, <em> so </em> bad it almost aches, especially when Johnny is smiling softly at him like that, a murmured <em> goodnight </em> falling from his lips. Jisung wants to catch it with his own and slip it under his tongue, kiss Johnny so sweetly and so soundly that there isn't a single word left over in his mouth.</p><p>“‘Night,” he says instead, and shoves his hands in his jacket pockets.</p><p>He doesn’t dream that night, but he wakes up wishing that he did.</p><p>If something shifted when he dreamt about Johnny the first time, it shifts even further when he bridges the gap between fantasy and reality. A strange recklessness has wriggled its way into his body, some bold streak that Johnny must’ve finessed out of him; when Johnny and Donghyuck stop by the practice room he and Jeno are dancing in, he finds himself pushing more movement to his hips. The steps become fluid, less raw power and more sensuality, and he catches Jeno giving him a <em> look </em> in the mirror.</p><p>“That was good,” Jeno tells him quietly when Johnny and Donghyuck applaud them. “What’s gotten into you?”</p><p>Jisung puts his hands on his hips. “Are you saying I’m usually not good?”</p><p>Jeno just laughs, wiping the sweat from his neck. “Not like <em> that, </em> you’re not <em> .” </em></p><p>It’s brief, but Jisung thinks he sees Johnny give him a once-over in the mirror. He and Donghyuck lean on the doorframe as JUS2 repeats from the speakers, and Jisung eyes Johnny’s relaxed posture, the lines of his body. It’s like Johnny’s angling himself that way just for Jisung—an invitation, a private joke. He meets Johnny’s gaze and lets himself be taken hostage by the smirk on his lips.</p><p>“Again?” Jisung asks Jeno, and when met with a nod, he launches into the movements with renewed fervor.</p><p>He still watches Johnny and Ten during practice. Anyone can see that they’re close, but Jisung keeps tabs on Johnny’s eyelids, watching for his bedroom eyes now that he knows what they look like. He doesn’t see them, not even when the two throw sweet, joking words back and forth, and satisfied warmth soon takes up residence in Jisung’s stomach at the lack of tension between them.</p><p>He knows tension. He knows how it felt in Johnny’s bedroom. And if Johnny and Ten were together before, they don’t look like they are now.</p><p>It spills into the night, this feeling of euphoria; Jisung knows he’s tumbling down a rabbit hole but he can’t stop. He falls asleep to thoughts of Johnny kissing him, of late afternoon light filtering through the blinds as he and Johnny make out on a king-sized bed. Overheated, he conjures up the image of Johnny thrusting into him slowly, on top of him, looking into his eyes as he laces their fingers together and then presses their joined hands to the sheets above Jisung’s head. Johnny would lean forward to lick into his mouth as he hit every spot just right, then kiss his way down Jisung’s body, worshipping each inch of skin...</p><p>Jisung sighs, a dreamy smile floating across his features. He can almost feel Johnny’s lips against his ear whispering dulcet words, his hands stroking over the bumps of Jisung’s hip bones. Their next session can’t come soon enough. </p><p>Between schedules, he finds himself watching Johnny’s old focus cams. He never does it in the car for fear that one of the members might look over his shoulder and ask why he’s practically drooling over a shot of Johnny’s biceps, but he can’t stop watching them everywhere else—in his bed, before a shower, waiting for a ride. Johnny’s been holding his thoughts captive for a while but he’s starting to really indulge himself; he feels almost like a fan when he starts drinking Americanos despite his distaste for them.</p><p>Amidst this, Jisung realizes he doesn’t really <em> know </em> Johnny—not in the way acquaintances get to know each other. He doesn’t know Johnny’s favorite food, his favorite color, his favorite season of the year. What does Johnny even do in his spare time? Jisung knows he works out because he’s seen him at the gym a few times, although he never paid attention until recently. Admittedly, he’s been avoiding the gym in case the sound of Johnny’s labored breathing or the sight of sweat dripping from his brow causes another, well... <em> problem </em>.</p><p>Instead, he keeps to stealthier methods. He finds a playlist of Johnny’s recommended songs and works his way through the lineup, holding each lyric close as he imagines Johnny listening to it. Jeno starts teasing him, both for the fact that he always has headphones on and for the faces he makes while drinking his coffee, but Jisung just tunes him out and tries to grab hold of the few threads of Johnny’s persona he’s able to uncover.</p><p>“Hyung,” he says to Mark one day, heart quivering, “What do you...know about Johnny hyung?”</p><p>Jisung’s blood freezes along with Mark, who looks at Jisung confusedly. “What do you mean, what do I know about him?”</p><p>“Like, just—” Jisung knows if he backs out now it’ll be suspicious. “—I want to get to know him better.”</p><p>Mark smiles. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”</p><p>“That’d be weird.” Jisung locks his phone and holds it against his chest. “I mean, to ask him to his face. About himself.”</p><p>Mark shrugs. “Maybe just spend some more time with him.”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess...”</p><p>Jisung doesn’t want to push it further. He feels Mark’s eyes on him and gives him a brief smile, hoping Mark mistakes his nerves for awkwardness.</p><p>“What do you want to know?” Mark asks.</p><p>“I don’t know. Anything.”</p><p>“Hm...” Mark thinks for a moment. “...He likes rom-coms.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah. Sappy ones.” Mark rests his cheek on his hand. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”</p><p>Something tumbles around in Jisung’s stomach as he thinks of Johnny smiling tenderly at a television screen. The image of Johnny looking into his eyes the same way resurfaces and he shakes it away frantically.</p><p>“That’s funny.”</p><p>Mark raises an eyebrow but doesn’t question. “Yeah. Uh...he likes writing letters. He writes letters to his parents sometimes.”</p><p>“Oh, really?” Jisung tips his head to the side. “I didn’t know that.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t think he talks about it much.” Mark leans on the arm of the couch, eyeing Jisung. “You guys have gotten closer since rehearsing <em> Work It </em> again, haven’t you?”</p><p>Jisung prays his smile doesn’t look panicked. “Ah, kind of.”</p><p>“That’s cool. He’s super cool.” Mark knocks his knee into Jisung’s. “And you’re super cool, so. Makes sense.”</p><p>It feels like a blessing, although Jisung is sure Mark doesn’t know what he’s actually referring to. But it hits that spot in Jisung’s belly all the same, the one that sets cages of winged things loose and makes delight race down to the tips of his fingers. Mark thinks they make <em> sense. </em></p><p>“He is super cool,” Jisung mumbles. “Thanks, hyung.”</p><p>“You’re welcome. I’m sure you’ll get to know each other in no time.”</p><p>Jisung exhales a laugh. “Yeah.”</p><p>He doesn’t come down to Earth for the rest of the day, replaying Mark’s words and the ideas that come with them. It takes him all the way back to the dorms, and he’s so distracted he almost doesn’t hear Jeno and Donghyuck’s shouts coming from Jeno’s room; when he peeks in, he finds them gaming heatedly on their phones, squished together on Jeno’s bed.</p><p>“Fuck, fuck—” Donghyuck tilts his phone to the side, obviously playing some sort of racing game. Jisung watches him deflate in disappointment as he loses, Jeno’s good-natured smile steady on his features.</p><p>“Hey, Jisungie,” Jeno says, looking over. “Need something?”</p><p>“No, just seeing what all the noise was about.”</p><p>“Aish,” Donghyuck scoffs. He puts his phone down, frowning. “I’m not about to get my ass kicked again today. Play with me, Jisungie, please? I wanna win.”</p><p>Jisung scrunches his nose up. “You wish.”</p><p>He makes his way to his and Jaemin’s room to stash his bag and then back to the kitchen, head in the clouds as he prepares two packages of ramyun. Donghyuck emerges from Jeno’s room with a packet of Jeno’s microwave popcorn in hand just as Jisung is sitting down at the kitchen table.</p><p>“You were dancing differently the other day,” he says, catching Jisung off guard mid-slurp.</p><p>“Mmh?” Jisung responds.</p><p>“I don’t see you dance like that often. All...” Donghyuck rolls his hips in an overexaggerated imitation and Jisung nearly chokes.</p><p>“I wasn’t—”</p><p>“Yes, you were.” Donghyuck cranes his neck to check his popcorn in the microwave. “Don’t be embarrassed. It looked good.”</p><p>Jisung feels his cheeks color. He remembers exactly what he was thinking about that day—Johnny behind him, hands on his hips as Jisung ground into him. He remembers the burn Johnny’s eyes left on him while he stopped by to lean on the doorframe.</p><p>“...It felt good.”</p><p>“Good.” Donghyuck checks the popcorn again, sighing when he hears its popping hasn’t died down. <em> “Why </em> is this taking so long?”</p><p>“Honestly, I’ve felt different lately.”</p><p>Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at this. “Oh?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Jisung knows Donghyuck’s intuition for things like this—he must sense that Jisung wants him to ask about it. Jisung balances on the thrill of half-revealing a secret while he waits to see if Donghyuck will indulge him this time.</p><p>“Different how?”</p><p>Nerves and pleasure surge in Jisung’s stomach. “Different, like...I’ve been doing different kinds of things lately. Things I’ve never done before.”</p><p>“Have you turned to a life of crime?”</p><p>“No!” Jisung protests, exasperated. “The reason I was dancing like that, I’ve been...recently, I've been meeting up with someone, and...”</p><p>Donghyuck gasps. “Park Jisung, are you having sex?”</p><p><em> “Shh!” </em> Jisung throws a glance toward Jeno’s room. “Don’t—don’t say it so loud!”</p><p>“Oh, my god. You are. You <em> are </em> having sex!” Donghyuck scuttles over to wrap his arms around Jisung’s head, effectively suffocating him. “I’m so proud of you!”</p><p>“Hyung—”</p><p>“Who’s the lucky person? Are you dating? Are—”</p><p>“—Hyung, I—I can’t tell you.”</p><p>Donghyuck grins. “Ooh, a secret affair. How scandalous.”</p><p>Jisung feels himself go red all the way up to the tips of his ears. He opens his mouth without really knowing how to defend himself but the microwave beeps just in time.</p><p>“Well,” Donghyuck continues, “If you need any advice, I’d call myself a bit of an expert.”</p><p>Jisung snorts. “I figured.”</p><p>“Yah—!” Donghyuck feigns a knock to the back of Jisung’s head. “It’s not a bad thing.”</p><p>“I know that, too.” Jisung clears his throat, looking toward Jeno’s room again. “Actually, I do have a question, just—maybe we could move to my room?”</p><p>“Of course.” Donghyuck winks and flicks a piece of popcorn into his mouth before shouting, “Jeno-yah, I’m going to Jisungie’s room!”</p><p>There’s a muffled affirmative from beyond the door and Donghyuck moves down the hall, popcorn bag crinkling as he munches on its contents.</p><p>“So,” he starts, sitting down on Jisung’s bed. “What do you want to know?”</p><p>Jisung lets out a long breath. “Well, I’ve never given a...<em> blowjob </em> before.” A sputter of laughter comes from beside him, and Jisung glowers. “What?”</p><p>“Sorry, Sungie, I’m not laughing at you.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “Just not used to hearing you say things like that.”</p><p>“Well, I’m not used to it either.” Jisung collects himself. “Anyway, I think next time we see each other we’re going to do it—give each other blowjobs, I mean. And I just—I don’t really know how? Like, how do you not choke?”</p><p>Donghyuck smirks. “Choking’s the best part, though.”</p><p>Jisung’s chest clenches. “Really?”</p><p>“I mean, if you’re into that.” Donghyuck leans back on his hands. “Since it’s your first time, I’d maybe just take what you can with your mouth and do the rest with your hands. Your hands are certainly big enough, they’ll probably drive your partner crazy.”</p><p>Jisung sneaks a look at one of his hands where it rubs jittery circles in the fabric of his pants. Johnny hadn’t mentioned anything about them.</p><p>“And everyone likes something different,” Donghyuck continues. “Like, Taeil-hyung likes it really slow and deep, more sensual. Yuta-hyung likes it fast and rough. He likes when I choke on it.”</p><p>Jisung’s mouth hangs open. “You—? With the hyungs—?”</p><p>“A lot of them, yeah.” Donghyuck nods. “It started with just Mark-hyung, but I’ve been exploring for a while.”</p><p>“W-who else?”</p><p>“Jaehyun-hyung, Jungwoo-hyung, Yangyang, a few times.” Donghyuck lists them off on his fingers. <em> “Oh </em>—and Johnny-hyung.”</p><p>Jisung’s stomach plummets. “Johnny-hyung?”</p><p>“Yep.” Donghyuck nods. “I do it the most with him. Roommates, you know. It’s convenient.”</p><p>“Right.” Jisung swallows. He feels vaguely ill. “Roommates.”</p><p>“He’s probably the biggest I’ve ever taken,” Donghyuck says, “But he’s really sweet about it, especially when I give him head. He always taps my shoulder when he’s about to come. Not everyone does that.”</p><p>“Huh.”</p><p>“Oh, my god—this one time, we almost got caught fucking in a green room—he was hard, like, most of the afternoon, so I just pulled him aside backstage and we—”</p><p>“—Sorry, I thought—I thought Johnny-hyung and Ten-hyung were dating. Or, used to date.”</p><p>Donghyuck chuckles. “Oh, Johnny-hyung doesn’t <em> date.” </em></p><p>“He...” Jisung frowns. “...What do you mean?”</p><p>“He doesn’t really do relationships,” Donghyuck says. “Like, ever. I mean, of course, it’s hard to keep a relationship going in our line of work. You know that. But Johnny’s never even been interested in anything committed.”</p><p>“Oh.” Jisung frowns. <em> So it’s not just me, </em> part of him wants to say, while the other parts all wilt like flowers under a snowdrift. “I didn’t know.”</p><p>“It’s a shame, really. He’s such boyfriend material.” Donghyuck sighs. “Anyway. Blowjobs. Just ask your partner what they like, and don’t take more than you’re comfortable with. You’ll be fine, you're gonna do great.”</p><p>Jisung is still reeling a little as the pictures of Johnny holding his hand and whispering sweet nothings to him curl in at the corners; he’s been aware of their agreement from the start but the thought of it—the thought that maybe, someday—</p><p>“Thanks,” he tells Donghyuck. “For the advice.”</p><p>“No problem.”</p><p>He wants to know more. He wants to ask <em> why </em> Johnny isn’t interested. But the more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense—Donghyuck is right, their jobs are gruelling. Trying to keep both parties of a relationship happy while balancing everything else seems impossible.</p><p>He ends up letting Donghyuck win a few rounds of Mario Kart Tour, only half paying attention, before bidding him farewell in a fog. When Jaemin comes home he slips into Jeno’s room for the night and Jisung pays them no mind; after doing his nighttime routine, finds himself staring at the ceiling alone.</p><p>His phone pings.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>             johnny hyung</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> can we talk real quick </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dread overtakes Jisung in a second. Swallows him up and holds him there in its belly, gloating as regret pricks at the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>             me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> yeah ofc </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>             johnny hyung</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> cool  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> can I call you? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>             me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> ok </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The ringer makes Jisung jump even though he’s expecting it. He doesn’t know if he’s ever spoken to Johnny on the phone, and the slight buzz around the edges of his voice over the receiver tug at a particular part of Jisung’s heart.</p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says. There’s nothing but steadiness in the word.</p><p>“Hi,” Jisung replies. “What’s up?”</p><p>“I just wanted to talk to you about, uh...” Johnny lets out a small sigh. “...Mark was talking about you today. Like, specifically about me and you. He said you asked about me?”</p><p>Jisung grips his phone with both hands, mortified. “I...maybe?”</p><p>“Did you or didn’t you?”</p><p>“I did,” Jisung answers, immediately. He was mistaken—there’s an edge to Johnny’s voice, a brittle quality. “I was just curious.”</p><p>He hears Johnny take another deep breath, imagines the look on his face. It can’t be good.</p><p>“We need to be careful,” Johnny says. “Remember the rules? This needs to stay between us.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I’m not sure what the other members would think, and I don’t want this to be a cause of stress for us—for you especially, you don't need the drama or the gossip—God forbid if the managers found out—”</p><p>“—I know, I just—I got—I was—” Jisung shakes his head, a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>There’s a pause over the line. Jisung burns with shame, cheeks hot, stomach churning, like the air is suffocating him.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Johnny tells him. “We should just...probably try not to talk about each other too much. While we’re at it, I can’t keep having you over here. Haechan-ah’s bound to get suspicious.”</p><p>“Having you come over here would definitely be suspicious,” Jisung replies. “But then, where...well, I guess there is one place.”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“Chenle’s house. We go over there all the time.”</p><p>“But...Chenle lives there.”</p><p>“Yeah, but I’m sure...” Jisung thinks for a moment. He doesn’t have Chenle’s schedule memorized anymore, but he runs through what he does know— “The radio! He’s gone every night for the radio.”</p><p>Johnny sucks air in through his teeth. “I don’t know...would he be okay with us in his house when he’s not there?”</p><p>“Honestly, I’m pretty sure some of the other members use it for, um...<em> this. </em> Really, he doesn’t care. There’s even a guest room for when his mom comes to stay.”</p><p>Johnny goes silent again. Jisung pleads silently to whatever’s out there that he’ll say yes, that this will work, that they can keep going.</p><p>“...Okay. You know him better than I do.”</p><p>Jisung lets out a breath, relieved. “Yeah—if anything, I think he’d be happy to hear I was...you know. Getting some.”</p><p>Johnny laughs. “All right, well, that’s one thing figured out. I was also thinking, like...maybe we should have a code for when we want to hook up.”</p><p>The lump returns in Jisung’s throat, but it’s all adrenaline this time. “Yeah, sure.”</p><p>“Just to make sure we both know what’s going on, and that no one overhears. Any suggestions?”</p><p>“Um...”</p><p>Jisung considers it—it should be something easily brushed off, worked into a conversation without setting anyone on alert. He thinks of Johnny, of the color of his eyes, the curl of his lips. The scent of him when he leaned in close.</p><p>“Coffee?” Jisung offers. “We could say we’re getting coffee.”</p><p>“Perfect.” Johnny sounds satisfied. “Coffee it is.”</p><p>Jisung nods, mostly to himself. “I...I really am sorry for talking about it so much. I won’t do it again.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Jisung-ah. Anyway, it’s Mark. He wouldn’t know a secret if it kicked him in the ass.”</p><p>Jisung laughs. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”</p><p>“Well, I’m gonna get going. I’ll talk to you later.”</p><p>“Okay. Goodnight, Hyung.”</p><p>“‘Night.”</p><p>Jisung holds the phone to his ear for a few minutes after Johnny hangs up, still chasing the soft tone of his voice and the way his heart raced when it tiptoed through the receiver. His chest tightens. He’ll have to stop doing that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>WHEW we're really flyin now!! hope y'all are ready...</p><p>thank you as always to my lovelies on twitter, and to silk, my...beta? copilot? porn whisperer? you rule, darling.</p><p>also, I really appreciate everyone's support in light of the people who don't like this fic making themselves known this month. I love you all and I'm glad to have you on this journey with me!! I don't plan on stopping any time soon :)</p><p>enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure this is okay?”</p><p>Johnny sets his bag down next to the bed, trying not to betray how on edge he is. Jisung is wearing his red flannel again, the one Johnny hasn’t seen for a while—the last week or so, it’s been nice sweaters and button-ups with the top few buttons open. But he likes Jisung like this, casual, in his comfort clothes. He looks nice.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s fine. Like I said, I’m pretty sure some of the other hyungs come here for this stuff.”</p><p>They’re in the guest bedroom of Chenle’s house, which is dark save for the one lamp Jisung switches on in the corner. Here, out of the safety of his own room, it feels clandestine. They might as well have rented a room in a love hotel.</p><p>Jisung sits down in his usual spot, though this bed is a double as opposed to Johnny’s single. Johnny sits beside him and flashes a brief smile.</p><p>“So...do you want to—”</p><p>“Can I touch you?”</p><p>Johnny opens and closes his mouth before nodding, then watching Jisung’s hand creep up his thigh. It reaches his dick in no time and squeezes; when Johnny looks up, Jisung’s eyes are trained on where his hand rests.</p><p>The air between them feels thick.</p><p>Maybe Johnny’s imagining things but the silence feels tangible enough to press in on him, settling on the slope of his shoulders like some kind of insistent vulture. He takes a breath and presses his hips up into Jisung’s hand as an attempt to grasp at the threads they’d left trailing from their last meeting.</p><p>“Here, let me—” He reaches for Jisung and earns a fleeting moment of their eyes meeting; Jisung exhales as Johnny palms him through his pants, shaky and slow, eyelids sliding shut. He’s not hard yet but his movements over Johnny’s cock are steady, determined.</p><p>Johnny glances up again to observe him. He can be quiet and contemplative at times but there’s a glaring lack of hushed expletives, of variations of Johnny’s name. He thinks back to the way Jisung said it in the bathroom stall and his stomach jumps at the memory of such unbridled desire; he wonders if that kind of expression of need is only possible when Jisung thinks no one is listening.</p><p>Jisung seems unaware of Johnny watching him as he continues his motions, not even stopping when Johnny slows his own hand.</p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says. “You okay?”</p><p>Their eyes meet again, this time in earnest. Now Jisung stops as well, his gaze dropping to Johnny’s mouth for half a second, and—there’s a thought. Johnny thinks of kissing him to smooth over the tension, to make Jisung feel at ease. Maybe he’s still nervous. It would be easy to close the distance between them and press his lips to Jisung’s, coaxing his mouth open with the point of his tongue—</p><p>“Can I suck you off?”</p><p>Johnny’s breath catches. He coughs a few times, rubbing his throat while Jisung watches him expectantly. Then he replies,</p><p>“Uh, yeah. Of course.”</p><p>In a whirlwind, Jisung is on the floor between Johnny’s thighs, spreading them apart so he has better access to the bulge in Johnny’s sweats. He wastes no time hooking his fingers into Johnny’s waistband and Johnny lifts his hips on autopilot, brain still trying to process the image of Jisung on his knees before him.</p><p>Johnny’s still only half-hard so Jisung wets his palm and gives him a few strokes, but just as he’s swiping his finger over the slit Johnny places the reason he’s moving like this, the expression on his face. Jisung seems...<em>distracted.</em></p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says again, softer. “Look at me.”</p><p>He reaches down and curls his fingers around the edge of Jisung’s jaw, thumb resting on the patch of soft skin just above the corner of it. Then he tilts Jisung’s head until they’re looking at each other.</p><p>“Slow down.” Unconsciously, he brushes his fingers against the underside of Jisung’s chin. Jisung’s eyelids flutter. “We have a whole hour. I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>Jisung’s throat moves under Johnny’s fingers as he swallows, averting his eyes. “I...okay. Sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t be.” Johnny watches him for a moment more. “You know what, actually, here—”</p><p>He pulls up his sweats and motions for Jisung to sit on the bed again before switching their positions, on his knees with his hands resting over Jisung’s hip bones.</p><p>“This okay?” he asks.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung replies. It’s a little breathless and Johnny smiles, satisfied.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>He closes his eyes and moves in to press open-mouthed kisses to the fabric around Jisung’s dick, fingers digging into Jisung’s hips. Jisung does that long exhale again above him and Johnny hears his breathing pick up speed when he strokes his thumbs back and forth on Jisung’s hips.</p><p>“You said you’ve been thinking about sucking cock,” Johnny says, one hand back over Jisung’s dick. “Have you thought about this, too?”</p><p>Jisung lets out a quiet moan when Johnny squeezes. “Yeah, I—I’ve thought about it.”</p><p>His eyebrows are drawn together as he sucks his lower lip in between his teeth, and a shiver spills down Johnny’s spine when he hisses in a breath. Johnny pulls Jisung’s pants down low enough to get his cock out, then moves closer to blow a warm puff of air onto it; the result is a wriggle of Jisung’s hips accompanied by a whine that has Johnny gripping the soft flesh of his hips harder.</p><p>“Just tap my shoulder when you’re close,” Johnny tells him. “Good rule of thumb.”</p><p>The way Jisung freezes is so minute that Johnny almost doesn’t catch it. But he moves on quickly regardless, choosing to focus on gripping the base of Jisung’s cock and wrapping his lips around the head.</p><p>Jisung lets out a real moan this time, unabashed, and Johnny is glad they’re out of the dorms where he doesn’t have to shush him. Pleased, he sinks down on Jisung’s cock until it’s at the back of his mouth, giving himself time to warm up before starting to take him deeper.</p><p>“Oh, fuck,” Jisung breathes, sounding a little out of his mind already. “Fuck, <em>fuck</em>—”</p><p>“Feel good?”</p><p>“Yeah, <em>shit.</em>”</p><p>“You can pull my hair if you want.” Johnny smirks up at him, pumping his cock. “I won’t mind.”</p><p>“Like...?”</p><p>Jisung slips his fingers into Johnny’s hair and makes a loose fist. He tugs gently, not even enough to pull Johnny’s head back, and Johnny reaches around to curl his hand around Jisung’s.</p><p>“Like this,” he says, and <em>pulls</em>.</p><p>He goes back to Jisung’s cock, taking him all the way to his throat, and Jisung lets out a strained groan as he tightens his hold on Johnny’s hair. It makes Johnny’s blood burn, the way Jisung starts guiding his head, using his mouth. Johnny moans around Jisung’s length as he feels himself start to grow hard again, filled with a strange sense of pride.</p><p>“Hyung,” Jisung moans, “<em>Ah,</em> Hyung—”</p><p>Johnny pulls off to mouth at Jisung’s balls while he catches his breath. “Doing okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, feels really good.”</p><p>“I’m glad.” Without thinking, Johnny grazes his teeth against Jisung’s inner thigh. Jisung jumps. “Oh, sorry—”</p><p>“—No, d-do that again.”</p><p>Johnny smiles, glancing up at him slyly. “What, this?”</p><p>He runs his teeth along the flesh of Jisung’s thigh, slower this time, and Jisung takes in a stuttering breath as his cock twitches in Johnny’s hand.</p><p>“More,” he murmurs. Johnny raises a brow but he complies, biting down lightly. “M-more—”</p><p>It’s all the encouragement Johnny needs to sink his teeth in until Jisung is keening and bucking his hips, but Johnny just holds them down and bites harder, relishing each pained, wanton whine that tears from Jisung’s mouth. He’s not telling Johnny to stop but eventually Johnny decides he’s had enough, and when he draws back, there are dark purple imprints of all of his teeth.</p><p>“Damn,” Johnny says, a bubble of laughter escaping him. “You keep surprising me.”</p><p>“I...me too,” Jisung says. He examines the mark on his thigh, pulling the skin taut before letting it bounce back into place. “Sorry, I didn’t think I’d—”</p><p>“No, don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize for liking something.”</p><p>Jisung pauses, then nods. His cock is still hard and leaking onto the waistband of his pants and Johnny reaches for it again, pumping it a few times before taking it into his mouth. He bobs up and down, occasionally pressing his lips to Jisung’s slit or moving down to his balls, and soon he feels Jisung’s hand on his shoulder tapping it urgently. Johnny pulls off but keeps stroking, drinking in the visual of Jisung’s flushed cheeks and rosy lips.</p><p>“Where do you wanna come?” Johnny asks him.</p><p>“Fuck, I don’t know—”</p><p>Johnny smirks. “On my face?”</p><p>Jisung squeezes his eyes shut. “Oh—oh, shit, oh, <em>shit</em>—”</p><p>His come hits Johnny’s cheek first, then his upper lip; Johnny opens his mouth so a few drops land on his tongue and when Jisung’s eyes widen at the sight, he retracts his tongue cheekily, taking Jisung’s come with it. Afterward, they look at each other for a moment as Jisung’s chest heaves.</p><p>“Thanks for avoiding the eyes,” Johnny quips, and Jisung smiles faintly.</p><p>“Uh...no problem.”</p><p>“Be right back.” He pats Jisung’s knee once and then gets up to head to the bathroom.</p><p>His dick twitches when he looks in the mirror.</p><p>Johnny’s seen himself like this before—in fact, he’s seen worse. He’s caught glimpses of himself after a night of marathon fucking, especially when he and Ten were sleeping together, where he emerged covered in bruises and nail marks and hickeys. But Johnny leans in to look at himself now, face painted with Jisung’s release, and he feels...</p><p>Well, it’s not something he can put a name to. It’s in his stomach, deep down, where his pre-show nerves are kept, where he listens for his instincts. He’s struck by the desire not to wash it off, then grimaces at himself, repulsed. He turns on the sink.</p><p>When he steps back into the guest room, Jisung gets to his feet; Johnny pauses walking across the floor but Jisung moves toward him with conviction.</p><p>“Hi,” Johnny says when he comes closer.</p><p>Jisung smiles. “Hi.”</p><p>For a moment Johnny thinks they’re going to kiss, and that nerves-instinct-gut part of him roars with the simultaneous need to lean in and to lean away as far as he can. But they don’t; Jisung just blinks slowly at him before sinking to his knees and taking Johnny’s cock out while his tongue wets his lower lip. Johnny raises a brow.</p><p>“We’re doing this here?”</p><p>“I want to,” Jisung says, and licks a stripe up Johnny’s dick.</p><p>Johnny feels his stomach tense as he reflexively weaves his fingers in Jisung’s hair, nails scratching his scalp. Jisung’s lips against his dick are soft, plush, and when he presses them to the head of Johnny’s cock Johnny represses a shudder.</p><p>“Go as slow as you need,” Johnny tells him. “I don’t want you to—<em>oh</em>—<em>oh, fuck</em>—”</p><p>Jisung’s mouth is so <em>hot</em>, and he grips Johnny’s cock as he takes it all the way to the back of his tongue. Predictably, he chokes, and in a second he’s pulling off, coughing.</p><p>“Jisung-ah,” Johnny breathes, “Take it easy.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Go <em>slow,</em>” Johnny says. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”</p><p>Jisung’s nose and mouth scrunch up in a disgruntled expression so familiar that Johnny’s heart trips over itself, but he doesn’t have time to think about that before Jisung goes back in. He tongues the underside of Johnny’s cock on that sensitive spot near the head, licking diligently around the rim of it; there’s not an ounce of finesse or precision but something about the uncontrolled movements of Jisung’s lips against his shaft has Johnny panting. Jisung’s sloppy, almost like he’s making out with Johnny’s dick.</p><p>Absently, Johnny wonders if he’s ever kissed anyone.</p><p>After a few moments, Jisung takes the base of Johnny’s cock and pushes the head past his lips, slower this time. His mouth is so <em>soft,</em> despite the hint of teeth that makes Johnny hiss, and when he pulls back slow Johnny sees stars.</p><p>“Watch your teeth, Sungie.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Jisung’s voice is a little hoarse. Johnny swallows thickly.</p><p>Licking his lips, Jisung takes him down even further than before. He chokes again and Johnny’s muscles all seem to pull taut at the same time, resisting the urge to buck up into Jisung’s mouth; he doesn’t know why Jisung insists on pushing himself so hard but the resulting movement in the back of his throat is driving Johnny up the wall.</p><p>Eventually, Jisung finds a rhythm he can stick to, taking Johnny only halfway and minding his teeth, though his technique is still messy. Johnny finds that he doesn’t mind it, not with the way Jisung looks sucking his cock; he’s so pretty with his hair mussed and his eyes shut and his cheeks hollowed, stained an indecent shade of pink. Johnny’s senses are full of him, from the heat of his mouth to the sounds it makes as his lips become slick with saliva—it’s so wet, <em>he’s</em> so wet, and loud enough that the sound of him blowing Johnny makes the room feel like a porn studio.</p><p>Overwhelmed, Johnny taps Jisung’s shoulder as pleasure starts to coil in him, but Jisung doesn’t stop.</p><p>“Jisung-ah,” Johnny warns. He starts tapping faster, frantic, but Jisung just sucks harder while bringing his other hand up to stroke at Johnny’s balls. “Jisung-ah, I’m gonna come—”</p><p>One last deep stroke and Johnny comes down his throat, gasping choked-off and dumbfounded while he tries not to thrust further into Jisung’s mouth. Jisung pulls off and Johnny watches in stunned silence as Jisung looks him directly in the eye and swallows.</p><p>“Holy shit,” Johnny rasps. “What the fuck, Jisung.”</p><p>“Was that—?” Jisung suddenly looks worried as he wipes his mouth clumsily with the back of his hand. “Did you not want me to do that? I’m sorry—”</p><p>“—No, no, you’re fine. You’re more than fine.” Johnny lets out a breathless laugh. “That was one of the hottest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life.”</p><p>Jisung smiles, shy; Johnny can’t comprehend how he looks like this after taking Johnny’s cock halfway down his throat. Fuck, Johnny wants to <em>ravage</em> him, wants to fuck him until he’s messy and begging and out of his mind with pleasure. But for now, he pulls up his sweats and runs a hand through his hair, trying to make it look like he hadn’t just gotten his soul sucked out through his dick.</p><p>Jisung stands, grimacing when his knees straighten, then smiles again, hiding a giggle behind his hand.</p><p>“What?” Johnny asks him, but he’s already turning around to flop down on the bed.</p><p>“You look like you’re on a different planet right now.”</p><p>Johnny chuckles. “Maybe I am. That was...wow.”</p><p>He follows Jisung, letting himself fall flat on his back on the mattress. In the quiet, he can hear Jisung breathing; the ceiling of the guest bedroom is a calming off-white but Jisung sounds like he’s desperately trying to get his lungs to slow down. If this were any other circumstance, Johnny might roll over and press a kiss to his shoulder, take his hand to ease his jitters. But he knows he has to use just words this time, and he’s almost grateful when his phone rings.</p><p>“Fuck,” Johnny says, sitting up and looking at the caller ID. “I told him I was hanging out alone tonight, I should take this.”</p><p>“No problem.” Jisung nods. “Go ahead.”</p><p>Johnny puts the phone to his ear. “Hello?”</p><p>
  <em>“We broke up.”</em>
</p><p>Yuta’s voice is thick with mucus and tears, barely intelligible. Johnny’s heart rate picks up and he straightens his spine, suddenly very awake.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>
  <em>“We broke up. One of the managers caught us this morning and it—we’ve just been, all day, we’ve—it’s too much stress and we’ve been having trouble anyway lately and—”</em>
</p><p>Johnny stands, already making for his coat. “Where are you? I’m gonna come get you.”</p><p>Jisung looks distressed as he sits and watches from the bed, leaning forward like he’s poised to spring into action too. Johnny shoots him an apologetic head shake.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m outside the dorm. His dorm.”</em>
</p><p>“Shit, okay—” Johnny holds the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he puts one arm through his coat. “—just hold on, I’ll be there soon.”</p><p>Yuta sniffles. <em>“Okay.”</em></p><p>“Okay. Love you. Bye.” Johnny hangs up and looks at Jisung, agitated. “I’m so sorry. It’s an emergency, I gotta go—do you want me to give you a ride back? It’s late, and—”</p><p>“—No, I can just stay here.” Jisung shrugs. “I’ll say I needed a break from the hyungs or something.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“I’m sure.”</p><p>“Okay.” Johnny massages his jaw, trying to stay calm.</p><p>“...Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Um, yeah.” Johnny pauses. “Well. I don’t know. Probably not.”</p><p>There’s a text from Ten that reads, <em>yuta’s outside the dorm</em> and then, <em>I’m gonna stay here with sicheng, can you get him?</em> Johnny replies with an affirmative and then lets Jisung walk him to the front door.</p><p>“I’ll text you,” Johnny tells him as he shoves his phone in his jacket pocket. “Sorry for—”</p><p>“Really, it’s okay. Good luck, I guess.”</p><p>Johnny smiles. “Thanks. I guess.”</p><p>He rushes out the door, full of adrenaline as he starts the car he borrowed from the company. In the midst of everything, Jisung’s mouth is still on his mind; he feels guilty for thinking about how Jisung looked sucking him off while he races to collect his heartbroken friend but it’s inevitable. At every red light Johnny leans his head back against the seat and relives the sensation of Jisung’s lips wrapped around his cock. However, as his destination comes into view, he feels a heavy stone of dread drop into his stomach, and he grips the wheel tightly at the sight of a slouching figure outside the apartment building.</p><p>“Fuck,” is the first thing Johnny says when he sees Yuta, and the second is, “Come here.”</p><p>He takes Yuta in his arms as Yuta’s body shakes, silent sobs sending tremors through him. For a moment, Johnny rocks him side to side, holding on tighter as Yuta’s arms go completely loose and eventually drop to his sides.</p><p>“I’m gonna take you home, okay?”</p><p>Yuta nods against Johnny’s shoulder and Johnny grasps his hand, leading him to the car. They sit quietly all the way back to the dorms.</p><p>“Hey, can you give us a minute?”</p><p>Donghyuck looks up from his nails, which he’s clipping above the trash can. Johnny can feel Yuta’s hand trembling in his still and imagines the million speculations that must be zinging around the inside of Donghyuck’s skull.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. All yours.” He places the clippers on the desk and walks past them to the living room, offering Yuta’s shoulder a squeeze on the way.</p><p>Once he’s gone, Johnny leads Yuta to sit down on the bed. For a brief moment, his mind skips over the thought that this is the exact place he and Jisung sat when they got each other off for the first time, but he quickly shoves it to the side.</p><p>“What happened?” He asks Yuta. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Yuta’s face is a mess, red and blotchy and shiny with tears. He rubs at his cheek with the heel of his palm and hiccups, looking at the ceiling.</p><p>“I fucked up. I really fucked up.”</p><p>“I thought you said a manager caught you.”</p><p>“He did, but—” Yuta’s breath catches, and when another sob escapes Johnny gets up to grab a box of tissues from the bathroom. “Thanks.”</p><p>Yuta blows his nose, eyes squeezed shut like he’s trying to keep the tears in.</p><p>“We had a fight,” he starts, “about a week ago. Maybe longer. It <em>feels</em> like longer.” Yuta smiles but it’s all lips, no eyes. “I was thinking about making a big decision to be able to spend more time with him and I think I brought it up too soon. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up at all.”</p><p>“What...what was this decision?”</p><p>Yuta looks him in the eye. He seems almost...<em>ashamed.</em></p><p>“I was considering leaving the group.”</p><p>Johnny’s stomach drops. <em>“What?”</em></p><p>“I was just thinking about it! I hadn’t even started to move forward with anything yet.”</p><p>“Yuta—”</p><p>“—You know how long we’ve been together. How much he means to me, how we were thinking about starting a family someday, I just thought that—” Yuta’s chest heaves again, and he presses his face into the tissue. “I know it’s impossible, we <em>both</em> know that, but—”</p><p>Johnny wraps him up again, maybe a little tighter than necessary. Yuta is private about certain aspects of his life, and Johnny’s sure there are still many things he doesn’t know, but this?</p><p>“You would’ve told us, right? If you were really going to do it, you would’ve told us sooner?”</p><p>“Of course,” Yuta says, muffled in Johnny’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you anyway.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Johnny sighs as he draws back. “Well, I’m sure that didn’t go over well, if I know Winwinie.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Yuta laughs wetly. “He hated the thought of me giving up something that big for him. And maybe he’s right, I don’t know, God, he’s right about so many fucking things—but he’s supposed to be the most important part of my life, and I just thought that maybe it would make things better, and—”</p><p>He sighs, shaking his head. “We got into a huge fight. We both said things we didn’t mean but in the moment, it was like...every little fear about our relationship came out. Everything I’d been keeping to myself over the years because I was afraid of what he’d think. And we haven’t been the same since—I was trying to make it up to him this morning, but...”</p><p>“...But you got caught.”</p><p>“Five years. Five years we manage to avoid getting reported and the one time we do, it—”</p><p>Yuta dissolves into tears again against Johnny’s shoulder, and Johnny holds him close, gut roiling at the how destroyed Yuta sounds; he’s seen Yuta at his low points, just like Yuta has seen him at his, but it’s never been anything like this.</p><p>“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Yuta whimpers, “I don’t know how to fix it.”</p><p>“You don’t have to focus on fixing it right now. Give yourself some time.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>Johnny brings a hand up to cradle the back of his head. He strokes Yuta’s hair with his thumb, trying not to let his fingers shake.</p><p>He’s been around for those five years. Longer. He was around when Yuta whined to him about his unrequited feelings at every spare moment, when Yuta dove onto his bed screaming about their first kiss. He was there when Sicheng quietly admitted that he’d never loved anyone so much.</p><p>“Don’t think,” Johnny tells him. “Just cry. It’s okay.”</p><p>Yuta does, so hard that Johnny feels him stop breathing a few times. Johnny doesn’t cry hardly at all—he often finds he can’t even if he wants to. But hearing someone he loves so shattered sends a fist down to his core and grips hard, yanking some stubborn barrier loose; and he finds a lump rising in his throat that he hurriedly swallows down.</p><p>He lets Yuta borrow some comfortable clothes and texts Donghyuck to stay in Taeil’s room for the night. Then, he and Yuta both climb into his bed, their position reminiscent of pre-debut days when one of them would seek the other out for comfort.</p><p>There’s a pinprick of electricity in Johnny’s stomach that keeps him awake.</p><p>He forgets sometimes when he’s with Jisung. Something about the gentle touch of his hands and the way he grins so sweetly at Johnny makes him drift a little, away from the vigilance that he’d promised himself at the start of all this.</p><p>He thinks of Yuta and Sicheng when they first got together, more in love than they knew what to do with. Willing to risk everything in order to have each other.</p><p>His heart clenches.</p><p>Sunlight creeps slowly up the wall and he doesn’t sleep, not even when Yuta finally drifts off beside him.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>“Hyung.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>Johnny glances over at Jisung in the passenger seat. His eyes are flicking all around Johnny’s face, observing, scanning. Johnny looks back at the road.</p><p>“Is everything okay? You seem...” Jisung goes silent for a moment. “...stressed.”</p><p>“It’s not you,” Johnny says.</p><p>“Okay. But it is something, then.”</p><p>Johnny sneaks another look at him. Jisung’s face is always so open, so earnest.</p><p>“I heard from Chenle,” Jisung continues. “About the breakup.”</p><p>Johnny runs his tongue over his teeth, taking a deep breath. “Yeah. It happened.”</p><p>Another moment passes. Johnny feels like he’s backslid all the way to their very first time alone together, when he was anxious and on edge and full of radio static. There must be a right thing to say here but no matter how hard he searches, the words won’t come up.</p><p>“They...were together for a really long time, weren’t they?”</p><p>Johnny looks at Jisung at a stoplight. Somehow, the weight of the situation is written all over Jisung’s face. Johnny wonders how much Chenle told him.</p><p>“Yeah. They were.”</p><p>The house is dimly lit when they arrive, a lamp in the living room throwing orange light into its corners. Johnny still feels like he shouldn’t be here; he tiptoes to the guest bedroom behind Jisung with his heart in his throat. He locks the door behind him out of habit and finds himself faced, finally, with the boy who’s been taking up half his thoughts the entire week.</p><p>“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jisung asks. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”</p><p>“That’s sweet,” Johnny replies, smiling. “Thank you.”</p><p>Jisung frowns. “It’s also important. Honesty, remember?”</p><p>“I—you’re right.” Johnny runs both hands through his hair. He’s got his back to the door and Jisung is giving him space; if it were anyone else he’d pull them in for a kiss to set things in motion. “...Sorry. It’s been a weird week.”</p><p>“Listen,” Jisung says, looking at the floor. “I’ve never been in love, so I don’t really know much about it, but—”</p><p>He meets Johnny’s eyes, a kind of soft determination shining there. There’s another word for it, Johnny realizes—certainty.</p><p>“—it’s good that they met, isn’t it? Even though things didn’t work out in the end.”</p><p>Johnny opens his mouth, then closes it. He realizes that Jisung often leaves him like this, at a loss for words.</p><p>“Yes,” Johnny replies. “It was good.”</p><p>Jisung smiles. “They probably, I don’t know...taught each other things. I’m guessing if you get that close to someone you’re able to learn from them, right? Maybe they’ll take those things with them, even if they aren’t together anymore.”</p><p>“You’re right.” Johnny laughs. “I think you know more about love than you give yourself credit for.”</p><p>Jisung blushes. “Maybe. But...I do know you care about them a lot. They’re lucky to have you.”</p><p>He’s just standing there like it’s the simplest thing in the world, striking Johnny speechless, which Johnny supposes it is based on how much he’s been doing it. He’s standing there with that uncomplicated look on his face, handing a compliment over to Johnny in cupped and trusting hands, and Johnny finds himself extending his own hands to receive what Jisung has to give him.</p><p>“Thank you,” Johnny murmurs. He feels like he should do something else, too, because those two words alone aren’t enough to express the thing that’s slowly trickling into his extremities; so he reaches for Jisung, cautious, and tugs him in by the sleeve.</p><p>Jisung doesn’t move in Johnny’s arms for half a second—he’s not stiff, more startled. But he hugs Johnny back in no time, slinging his arms low around Johnny’s waist, and Johnny’s whole body sings at the thought of Jisung’s hands touching the bare skin of his lower back.</p><p>He can’t remember ever being this close to Jisung. He’s surrounded by Jisung’s scent, a kind of clean, warm thing, like how he’d imagine afternoon sunlight would smell, and he can’t help but nuzzle into Jisung’s neck. He inhales just a little, hopefully not enough for Jisung to notice, but at the same time he feels Jisung’s grip tighten around his waist. His hands, moving.</p><p>“Is this okay?” Johnny asks. He moves his thigh between Jisung’s legs and Jisung rocks forward into it, letting loose a shaky breath.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung replies. “You can, like...”</p><p>He moves his hands behind his back to place them over Johnny’s, then leads them down to cup the swell of his ass. Johnny exhales harshly, squeezing as heat rushes to his dick.</p><p>
  <em>“Fuck.”</em>
</p><p>They’re still in their jackets, so Johnny starts removing his, not taking his eyes off Jisung for a second. Jisung follows, and then Johnny is walking him back toward the bed until the backs of his knees hit it and they go tumbling down together. Jisung laughs and Johnny has never wanted to kiss someone more in his life, but he just plays with the hem of Jisung’s shirt as he drinks in the unfamiliar—arousing, indecent—sight of Jisung straddling his hips.</p><p>“Do you want me to take this off?” Jisung pinches the fabric of his shirt between his fingers. Johnny’s stomach explodes into fireworks, or something equally as violent, and he nods before watching Jisung tug the shirt up and over his head.</p><p>“Holy shit, Jisung-ah.” Johnny raises a hand to hover above Jisung’s stomach. “Can I...?”</p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>He lowers his fingertips to Jisung’s skin, which is smooth and warm and inviting; Jisung shivers when Johnny trails his fingers up the grooves of muscles criss-crossing Jisung’s abdomen.</p><p>“Wow,” Johnny breathes, chuckling. “I’ve heard the members say you had abs, but...”</p><p>“Ah, it’s just...” Jisung’s cheeks puff out as he smiles, bashful. He snakes a hand across his belly, bumping into Johnny’s own. “...You know how it is. Gotta stay in shape.”</p><p>“Right.” Johnny slides his hands all the way up to Jisung’s nipples, flicking lightly. Jisung giggles and covers them up.</p><p>“I want to see you, too,” he says. “If that’s all right.”</p><p>“Like...” Johnny raises an eyebrow teasingly, lifting the hem of his shirt just a bit. Jisung rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Yes. Please.”</p><p>“Well, since you asked so nicely...”</p><p>Johnny lifts himself up to remove his shirt, messing with his hair after he pulls it over his head. When he looks at Jisung again he’s transfixed, staring at Johnny’s body like he’s never seen another person naked from the waist up before. Johnny watches him swallow.</p><p>“You’re so...<em>big.”</em></p><p>Johnny tosses his shirt to the side, dick twitching. He knows Jisung is talking about another part of his anatomy, but...</p><p>“Like—broad,” Jisung corrects. “Your—your shoulders...”</p><p>Jisung places his palms flat at the bottom of Johnny’s ribcage and works his way up, over the slope of his pectorals, up to the dip above his collarbone and the curve of his shoulders. Johnny lies under him with his hands on Jisung’s hips, motionless, subject to Jisung’s steady touch and the hungry flicker in his eyes that just keeps growing brighter.</p><p>
  <span>“Your tattoos,” Jisung says. “They’re pretty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Johnny smiles. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung’s fingers skim over the rose on his upper arm, then follow the lines of the lavender toward his sternum. He ghosts over Johnny’s nipple and freezes when Johnny shivers, unable to help his eyes sliding shut for half a second. When he opens them Jisung is staring, and all at once, something </span>
  <em>
    <span>sparks.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Johnny rolls his hips up, delighting in Jisung’s answering whimper.</span>
</p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung exhales. “I-I can feel you.”</p><p>“Can you?” Johnny grins. “Can you feel my cock?”</p><p><em>“Fuck.” </em>Jisung nods, squirming. “I can feel it. You—you’re so hard.”</p><p>“Shit, Jisungie—”</p><p>Gripping Jisung’s hips tighter, Johnny grinds up into him, obscene, slow. Like this, it’s easy to imagine Jisung sinking down on his dick, flushed and glistening with sweat as he takes it all the way.</p><p>“I like how it feels,” Jisung says. “You, under me. Your...your.”</p><p>Johnny laughs. “You can say it.”</p><p>Jisung squeezes his eyes shut but he’s smiling, embarrassed. “Your—!”</p><p>“Come on, Sungie. Just...”</p><p>Jisung bites his lip nervously, then leans down so he’s right next to Johnny’s ear, their chests almost touching.</p><p>“I like how...your cock feels. Under me.”</p><p>A low, wild sound rips from the back of Johnny’s throat and he thrusts up against Jisung harder, rougher. Jisung lowers himself the rest of the way so their skin comes in contact, and his <em>burns</em> against Johnny’s as they start to build a rhythm together.</p><p>Johnny’s not really sure what they’re doing—he’s not usually one for dry humping, even if he is big on foreplay. But there’s something so undeniably <em>hot</em> about the way Jisung is rutting desperately against him, gasping and whining in his ear as he tries to get the friction right. The feeling of his skin sends shocks sizzling up Johnny’s arms and down to his dick, which is beginning to get a little chafed—not that Johnny wants to stop. Every point of contact adds a new flavor to the cocktail of pleasure that sits on the back of his tongue.</p><p>“I think I might—” Jisung pants, his hips stuttering, “—Hyung, I—I think I’m going to—”</p><p>“Sungie—?”</p><p>“Ah—<em>ahh</em>—”</p><p>Jisung tenses, then stills, his face buried in the crook of Johnny’s neck. He’s letting out short little puffs of air as he rocks a few more times against Johnny’s hips before stopping completely. Johnny exhales a laugh.</p><p>“Did you just—?”</p><p>Jisung raises his head slowly, barely meeting Johnny’s eyes. “I...maybe.”</p><p>“You’re kidding.”</p><p>Color blooms on Jisung’s cheeks as he looks to the side. “Well, it’s not like I could—”</p><p>“—No, no, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry, I just—that’s so hot.”</p><p>Jisung glances back at him. “Really?”</p><p>“Really.” Johnny’s gaze travels down his body until it reaches the waistband of his pants. “...Can I see?”</p><p>
  <em>“See?”</em>
</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Jisung looks awkward still but he hooks a thumb into his pants and pulls them away from his body. Johnny sits up, his hands bracing him while he peers over to look at the mess Jisung has made of his underwear.</p><p>“Shit,” he says. “You really did.”</p><p>“God,” Jisung says as he lets his waistband snap back into place. “That’s so—I’m so—”</p><p>“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s hot, really. You must’ve been really turned on.”</p><p>Jisung looks down at him, smiling faintly. “I was. I kinda...still am.”</p><p>“Is that so?” Johnny grins. “Anything you wanna do about that?”</p><p>Jisung inches back toward the end of the bed, a sly smirk playing around his lips. Johnny feels another flutter of pride when Jisung gently spreads his legs apart and settles between them.</p><p>“Don’t choke yourself this time,” Johnny tells him.</p><p>“But choking’s the best part,” Jisung replies, devilish, and goes for the button of his jeans without another word.</p><p>Johnny’s head is spinning. This isn’t the timid boy who ran out of the room when he got a hard-on from Johnny’s hands on him. Jisung is a night terror, eagerly licking his lips as he frees Johnny’s cock and wraps his hand around it. Out of the blue, Johnny remembers Jisung jerking off in the bathroom, unapologetic and messy and frantic—maybe everyone else has it wrong. Maybe Jisung isn’t timid at all.</p><p>“Oh, <em>fuck, </em>yeah,” Johnny gasps when Jisung gets his lips around his cock. “Yeah, keep going, just like that—”</p><p>Jisung <em>moans</em>, actually moans with his actual mouth around Johnny’s actual dick, and it takes everything Johnny has not to start fucking up in earnest as Jisung continues to get saliva everywhere.</p><p>He still uses too much tongue for Johnny’s taste but the visual more than makes up for it; Jisung tonguing his dick like it’s a lover he wants to seduce, completely focused and relentless. Not for the first time, Johnny thinks of other places he’s seen this look—almost <em>competitive</em>. It’s becoming more and more clear that Johnny had misjudged him at first.</p><p>True to his word, Jisung takes him too deep and chokes a little, recovering slightly faster than before. Idly, Johnny wonders if he’s been practicing. If he’s going to let Johnny come down his throat again.</p><p>“Not gonna last,” Johnny grits out when the thought makes his dick throb. He taps Jisung’s shoulder. “Like, really, I’m gonna come soon if you don’t—”</p><p>“Could you come on my face?” Jisung asks, breathless. Johnny’s brain does a full reboot.</p><p>“I—you—?”</p><p>“Come on my face,” Jisung says, again, jerking Johnny off steadily.</p><p>“Yeah, I can—I can do that—oh, <em>fuck</em>—”</p><p>He watches Jisung close his eyes as Johnny’s spend hits his cheek, his nose, his lips. Some of it lands on Jisung’s eyelashes and it just makes Johnny’s stomach tense harder, cock shooting out a few more drops of seed before his entire body goes slack.</p><p><em>“You...</em>” Johnny pants, lying on his back and limply pointing a finger in Jisung’s direction, “...are a little <em>devil.”</em></p><p>Jisung laughs softly. When Johnny looks up at him he’s swiping some of Johnny’s come onto his finger and cautiously touching it to his tongue, eyes still closed.</p><p>“Huh. It is different,” Jisung says, mostly to himself, but Johnny raises a brow as he buttons his jeans.</p><p>“Different from what? Have you tasted someone else’s come before?”</p><p>Jisung freezes. “I—no, but—I mean—I’ve—”</p><p>“Wait, don’t tell me you’ve tasted your <em>own</em> come.”</p><p>Red creeps up Jisung’s neck until it reaches his ears and Johnny laughs loudly, throwing his head back.</p><p>“I was just curious!” Jisung insists. Johnny clutches his stomach at the sight of his eyes angrily shut and finally hands him his own t-shirt between giggles.</p><p>“Here, w-wipe your face with this.”</p><p>“What happened to not being ashamed of what I like?” Jisung complains, muffled as he uses the shirt to clean his face. After a few last chuckles, Johnny clears his throat and collapses back onto the mattress, completely spent.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that.”</p><p>“Well.” Jisung balls the t-shirt up in his hands. “Now you know.”</p><p>There’s a lightness in Johnny’s chest where only dark clouds have resided for the last week; Jisung isn’t close enough for Johnny to smell him anymore but his scent lingers on Johnny’s skin. Even on a winter’s night like this, Johnny feels sunbeams hitting his face and collarbone and for a moment he just floats, suspended on the feeling of a mind blissfully empty.</p><p>“Nineteen minutes,” Jisung murmurs from beside him, and the world begins to creep back in again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>just in time for the holiest day of the year 😌 things are about to get real messy, hope you enjoy!</p><p>thank you as always to silk for holding my hand through this and for her hot pot knowledge ❤️</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the weeks that follow, Jisung falls into bed with Johnny on more instances than he ever thought he would in his life.</p><p>“Shit,” Johnny pants, “the angle’s kinda weird, hold on—”</p><p>Jisung’s on top of him again, a position he’s come to like very much, and Johnny is trying to jerk both of them off with one hand although it’s bent uncomfortably at the wrist. It’s the first time Jisung has felt Johnny’s cock pressed up against his own and the sensation could be enough to get him off alone, but he’s trying to hold it in—there have already been far too many times that his orgasm hit long before Johnny’s and although he won’t admit it, he’s embarrassed.</p><p>“Let me,” Jisung tells him, moving Johnny’s hand to the side and replacing it with his own. He focuses on Johnny’s dick, attempting to give his own a few more minutes at least, but they’re both close and Johnny is so fucking <em>hot</em> under him, brow furrowed in pleasure and moaning into Jisung’s touch and Jisung just can’t help it when he shoots all over Johnny’s stomach.</p><p>“Dammit,” he gasps, head thrown back, and his whole body jerks when Johnny’s hand wraps back around both their cocks. “W-what are you—?”</p><p>“Have you ever tried overstimulating yourself?” Johnny asks, grinning. He slicks them up with Jisung’s own come, the sound filthy and loud in the small room. “I wonder how many orgasms we could get out of you.”</p><p><em>“Fuck,”</em> Jisung keens, muscles tensing. “I—d-don’t stop—”</p><p>They soon find out that he can only manage two in an hour, but Jisung leaves determined to do three next time.</p><p>He practices in the shower, his place of refuge outside of Chenle’s house and the half-dark room that’s beginning to feel more and more familiar. With the amount of time he and Johnny spend there, there’s a cloud of guilt that hangs over him every time Jisung sees Chenle, and on more than one occasion he’s had to bite down on his own tongue to keep from spilling every secret poised to tumble free.</p><p>Which they are. Secret. But Jisung figures that if this is what Johnny is willing to give him, he might as well take it; after all, although there’s a bitter taste in his mouth at Johnny’s fear to expose them, it comes with a certain thrill when Johnny passes by during lunch with that look in his eyes.</p><p>“Hey,” he’ll say, one hand in his pocket, the picture of casual suaveness. “Coffee later?”</p><p>And Jisung’s stomach will flip three times before barely sticking the landing, and he’ll nod, afraid that opening his mouth will incriminate him somehow.</p><p><em>“Hyung,”</em> he’ll whine to the ceiling of the guest room when they’re finally alone, and Johnny will look up from where he’s sucking Jisung’s dick, one of Jisung’s hands fisted roughly in his hair the way he’s learning Johnny likes it. Then Johnny will grin and lick teasingly at the tip before taking him all the way to the back of his throat.</p><p>Jisung has new ambitions, too. He can’t deny the surge of electricity in his throat when he goes down a little too far on Johnny’s cock and has to gasp for air, but he wants to see if he can really do it—take Johnny as deep as Johnny takes him. And Johnny takes him <em>deep.</em></p><p>“How aren’t you choking?” Jisung gasps while he fucks Johnny’s mouth across the threshold of the guest room. They hadn’t been able to wait this time.</p><p>“Practice,” Johnny replies, pulling off. “I practiced while brushing my teeth every night for a while.”</p><p>Jisung’s chest is heaving. “Can you show me how?”</p><p>Johnny runs his tongue along the edge of his teeth. “Yeah. I can show you.”</p><p>It takes patience, Jisung soon finds out. He diligently pokes his toothbrush at the back of his tongue night after night but doesn’t see much change; he once sends himself into a coughing fit and Jaemin attempts to give him the heimlich despite his watery-eyed protests. He considers going to Donghyuck for more help, but—</p><p>Well. He remembers what happened the last time he did that.</p><p>“Do you still have those dreams?” Johnny asks one night when they’re getting ready to leave the house. It’s been six weeks since that first time in Johnny’s bedroom when Jisung could barely look at him and Jisung still feels shy in his presence sometimes; right now, his eyes are burning into Jisung’s own as if he hadn’t already wrung two orgasms out of him that night.</p><p>“The ones about you?”</p><p>Johnny nods. “Yeah.”</p><p>“I...” Jisung slips his shoe on, frowning when the back bends under his heel. “...Not really.”</p><p>“I’m curious,” Johnny continues. He clutches their soiled sheets in his hand, the spares from the cupboard already tucked snugly around the corners of the mattress in the guest room. “What about them had such an effect on you?”</p><p>Jisung pauses, looking at him. Johnny is tilting his head to the side a little, a smile playing around his lips. He looks the same as he did their first night together, the same as when he sat next to Jisung on the floor of the practice room and agreed to all this. He looks the same as he did in Jisung’s dreams.</p><p><em>You,</em> Jisung wants to say. <em>That’s what had an effect on me. The fact that it was you.</em></p><p>“Dunno,” he says instead. “I was probably just really horny.”</p><p>After their next time together, Jisung uses the shower while Johnny waits outside. He’s lost count of how many times he’s thought about Johnny while in the shower, and this time is no different—earlier, they spent a long time just rubbing up against each other, undressed except for their underwear. Being pressed so close to Johnny’s body nearly drove Jisung insane. Usually they use their hands or mouths to get each other off and Jisung can keep a reasonable distance, just enough to remind himself what he’s here for—what they’re <em>both</em> here for. But tonight...</p><p>“I’m exhausted,” Johnny told him. “Is it okay if we just...?”</p><p>Then he suspended himself above Jisung before lowering his hips until they touched, using one hand to line them up together. He ground into Jisung slowly, sensually, stealing all the breath Jisung didn’t know he had left in his lungs.</p><p>Like that, with their hips and stomachs and chests in delicious contact, Johnny’s face was close enough for Jisung’s to brush up against. He tucked his head in the crook of Jisung’s neck and breathed there, hot puffs of air hitting the corner of Jisung’s jaw, their cheeks brushing against each other every so often, and inside, Jisung was <em>screaming</em> with a wild desire to crush their lips together.</p><p>He’s clinging to the rules for all he’s worth, but sometimes Johnny makes it too easy to loosen his grasp.</p><p>“Hey,” Johnny says, his voice echoing in the bathroom. “Our time’s almost up. Can I come in?”</p><p>Jisung freezes. He’s still covered in suds, distracted by the reel of Johnny’s skin and breath flickering before his eyes.</p><p>“Um,” he replies, unreasonably panicked. Sex is one thing, but Jisung is afraid of what he might do if Johnny gets in the shower with him. “Yeah, I—I’m almost done.”</p><p>“Cool, thanks.”</p><p>Jisung swallows at the sound of Johnny’s clothes hitting the floor, and nearly jumps out of his skin when the shower curtain draws back.</p><p>“Hi,” Johnny says, the way he does when he’s trying not to freak Jisung out. Jisung ducks his head.</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>He moves back so Johnny can get under the water and then watches him wet his hair, eyes closed and head tipped back. Jisung still can’t believe that he gets to see this, he thinks as his eyes roam Johnny’s body; the lines and dips of Johnny’s muscles, the trail of hair that leads down to his cock, his—</p><p>“Whatcha lookin’ at?”</p><p>Jisung’s eyes snap back up to Johnny’s. “Oh. Nothing.”</p><p>Johnny’s gaze flicks down to where Jisung is still half-hard from his replay of the night’s events.</p><p>“Oh, really?” Johnny asks, smirking as he steps forward and slings his arms around Jisung’s waist. He’s looking into Jisung’s eyes, his own heavy-lidded and inviting, and Jisung can’t help but glance down at his mouth, it’s right there, he’s practically teasing Jisung with it—</p><p>“I should, um,” Jisung blurts, unlinking Johnny’s hands from behind his back, “We don’t have much time left, right? I’m done anyway.”</p><p>Johnny frowns slightly but he gives Jisung space. “Yeah. You’re right.”</p><p>Jisung smiles, jumps out of the shower, and takes a few deep, calming breaths before getting dressed again. He runs over the rules for the eight billionth time. He tightens his grip.</p><p>“So,” Johnny says later that night when he’s driving Jisung back to the dorms. “You’ve gotten some good practice so far. Is there anything else you want to try?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Jisung eyes are fixed on his index finger, which runs along the handle of the car door. “You’re the expert. What else is there?”</p><p>Johnny takes a breath. “Well...we’ve done hand jobs, blow jobs, dry sex...”</p><p>Jisung’s cheeks heat at all their most intimate acts laid out so crudely. He sinks lower in his seat as Johnny continues.</p><p>“...I know you’ve been practicing with your gag reflex.” Johnny shoots him a grin. “We could sixty-nine, if that’s something you’re interested in.”</p><p>Jisung barely keeps himself from remarking on how much this all sounds like a business proposal. He supposes it is, but his heart still throbs weakly at Johnny’s choice of words.</p><p>“Yeah, we could do that.”</p><p>The thought of it does excite him—him and Johnny entangled, a feedback loop of pleasure. Maybe Johnny would wrap his arms around Jisung’s thighs and hold his hips close to his face, eager.</p><p>“Or...” Johnny begins, glancing at Jisung out of the corner of his eye. “...we could try something new. Like, <em>new</em> new.”</p><p>Jisung’s chest flutters. “Like what?”</p><p>Johnny pauses, drumming on the wheel with his thumbs. Then, he asks, “Have you ever fingered yourself, Jisungie?”</p><p>Jisung feels his body go tense. Arousal explodes in his stomach and he shifts in the passenger seat, suddenly zeroing in on Johnny’s fingers tapping on the steering wheel.</p><p>“I...did, once,” Jisung admits. “Just a little bit, though. It didn’t do much.”</p><p>“It didn’t feel good?”</p><p>Jisung shrugs one shoulder. “It didn’t feel bad. But it didn’t really feel good either. I don’t think I did it right.”</p><p>“Hm.” Johnny nods, seemingly lost in thought. Jisung waits with bated breath. “I could help you try again, if you want. Show you what feels good to me.”</p><p>Jisung’s face is burning. He hasn’t felt like this in weeks, like he might shrink down and disappear under the force of Johnny’s attention.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Johnny looks over at him, checking. Jisung has noticed that he does this whenever he doesn’t trust what’s coming out of Jisung’s mouth, or wants to make sure he hasn’t gone too far. It’s a simple act, scanning someone for cues, but it makes Jisung want to squirm in his skin every time; he’s come to realize it’s one Johnny’s many unobtrusive ways of <em>caring</em>.</p><p>“I want to,” Jisung clarifies. Johnny still looks skeptical. “I want...you to.”</p><p>“Want me to what?”</p><p>“I want you to finger me.”</p><p>Johnny bites down on a smile, eyes trained on the road. “That can definitely be arranged.”</p><p>After that, Jisung starts noticing Johnny’s hands more. With just over a week until the concert left, all the members are in and out of the practice rooms constantly, and Jisung is almost glad for the distraction. If he had any time to catch his breath, he’s sure he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off Johnny’s hand grabbing the fold of his sweats right next to his dick.</p><p>“Coffee,” Jisung murmurs to him when he follows Johnny out into the hall for a water break. “Tonight? Please? I’ve been doing my research.”</p><p>Johnny smiles and takes a swig from his water bottle. “And what if I say I have plans?”</p><p>Jisung feels himself deflate but he can’t stop it fast enough. “Well...that’s okay. We can just meet up another time, maybe—”</p><p>“—Jisung-ah. I’m kidding.” Johnny nudges his elbow. “Man, you’re really worked up about this, aren’t you?”</p><p>Predictably, heat creeps into Jisung’s cheeks. “It’s just <em>new.</em> I’m looking forward to it, is that so wrong?”</p><p>“No.” Johnny’s eyes do a subtle up-and-down of Jisung’s figure. He licks his lips before taking another drink from his water bottle. “It’s not wrong at all.”</p><p>The air in the car feels different that night. Jisung spent most of the night before reading about all of the methods and positions and ways to prepare and he’s afraid he’s thinking so loudly that Johnny will hear him.</p><p>“You just showered, right?” Johnny asks.</p><p>“No, I got caught in the rain.” Jisung messes with his wet hair, satisfaction warming his chest at Johnny’s exhaled laugh. “Yeah. I showered. I got, um...you know. Clean.”</p><p>“Okay.” Johnny nods. “That’ll give us some more time.”</p><p>When they arrive, Jisung flicks the lamp on in the guest room and the spell is cast once more. He’s grown to love the sharp, contrasting shadows that fall across Johnny’s face in this light; they look almost surreal, like an Escher print. The room is filled with impossible stairs.</p><p>Johnny sets his bag down at the end of the bed and rummages around in it while Jisung removes his coat. He sits next to Johnny on the bed, heart pounding.</p><p>“All right,” Johnny says, emerging with a towel and a bottle of lube. A deafening racket starts up in Jisung’s brain at the sight of both, and he has to remind himself to breathe when Johnny sets them on the bed. “Lube can get messy, so I thought we’d bring a backup plan.”</p><p>He smiles at Jisung, and Jisung smiles back weakly.</p><p>“But we should probably get you warmed up before we start all that.” Johnny flicks at the sleeve of Jisung’s shirt. “Wanna get out of these?”</p><p>Jisung nods. “Okay.”</p><p>He undresses jerkily, feeling exposed while Johnny lays the towel out. This is far from the first time he’s been naked in front of Johnny but it feels different knowing what they’re about to do, where Johnny’s fingers are about to go—which parts of himself he’s about to reveal.</p><p>“Here,” Johnny says. He positions himself between Jisung’s legs, stooping so he can press his tongue to the inside of Jisung’s thigh. It always makes Jisung gasp, the sensation of Johnny’s hot mouth so close to his cock, and he finds his hips bucking up into Johnny’s touch.</p><p>“Just try your best to relax,” Johnny continues. He runs his tongue up Jisung’s thigh and Jisung can already feel his dick perking up.</p><p>“Have you,” Jisung starts, attempting to distract himself from the nerves gnawing at his stomach. “Ever—<em>ahh</em>—done this to yourself?”</p><p>Johnny pulls away from Jisung’s balls and flips his hair out of his face. “You mean, fingered myself?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung nods. “I heard you say you could show me how you like it.”</p><p>“Of course. Plenty of times. Wouldn’t be helping you if I hadn’t.” Johnny grins, reaching for the lube and warming some in his hand. “I like getting fucked too, you know.”</p><p>Jisung’s eyes widen as Johnny’s hand wraps around his cock. <em>“Oh. </em>That’s. That’s cool.”</p><p>Johnny lets out a small laugh, pumping Jisung’s cock until it’s fully hard. He leans back down to nip at Jisung’s hip and Jisung’s whole body twitches, every inch of his skin on fire. This new piece of information about Johnny is much, <em>much</em> more than just cool—Jisung imagines him pushed face-down into a mattress, moaning shamelessly as he gets pounded into from behind, and can’t stop himself from rolling his hips up at the thought.</p><p>“Are you feeling ready?” Johnny asks him.</p><p>“Yeah, I—I’m ready.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Johnny sits back on his knees, retrieving the bottle of lube again. He looks so painfully, unbearably hot, even in just a black t-shirt and track pants, eyelashes lowered as he focuses on the substance between his fingers. His hair is getting long again; he swept it back from his forehead while he was sucking a mark into Jisung’s thigh and it rests there in an effortless wave. Jisung gets so distracted watching him that for a moment he forgets what they’re doing, and Johnny’s hand on his hip brings him tumbling back to reality.</p><p>“Grab a pillow to prop your hips up,” Johnny says, and Jisung does, lifting up to wedge it under himself. “We’re gonna go slow, I’m just starting on the outside. Tell me if it’s too much at any point, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Jisung breathes.</p><p>Johnny runs his hand along the underside of Jisung’s thigh and gently pushes his leg back. Bashful, Jisung looks to the ceiling; he’s never shown this much of himself to anyone and even if it is Johnny, he can’t help feeling shy.</p><p>“I’m gonna start now,” Johnny says lowly, and Jisung nods.</p><p>The first touch makes Jisung’s back arch at the unfamiliarity of the sensation, Johnny’s finger blunt against his entrance.</p><p>“Okay?” Johnny asks.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Try touching yourself. It might help you loosen up a bit.”</p><p>Jisung does, tentatively grasping his cock and stroking himself slow as he tries to get used to the feeling. Johnny isn’t going inside, instead just moving his finger in circular motions, but Jisung’s pulse is still thundering in his throat.</p><p>“Do you want me to go further?”</p><p>Despite the new sensation, Jisung aches with the desire to have some part of Johnny inside him. He nods, and Johnny pushes in just slightly.</p><p>“How does it feel?” Johnny asks.</p><p>“Weird,” Jisung replies, “But I’m getting used to it.”</p><p>He takes a while to let Johnny thrust his finger in shallowly, rocking his hips into Johnny’s hand; Johnny’s eyes travel up to his face every so often and each time Jisung’s heart stutters at the look of concentration on his features. The weight of his focus isn’t lost on Jisung. Even while he holds tight to the rules, he can’t help but feel like he’s receiving a precious gift.</p><p>“You’ve gotta relax a little, Jisung-ah. I’m not going to be able to get in.”</p><p>Jisung shuts his eyes. “Sorry.”</p><p>“No need to apologize.” Johnny slows and then removes his finger, sitting back to take Jisung in. “Hm. Let me try something.”</p><p>He shuffles over to Jisung’s side on his knees and then lowers himself down, down, until his face is next to Jisung’s. Jisung swears his eyes catch on his lips for half a second, but soon Johnny’s going for the crook of Jisung’s neck again, and this time...</p><p>Johnny’s lips. On his neck. Johnny is kissing his neck.</p><p>Jisung feels like he’s in free-fall, heat surging in him, and he begins to tremble when Johnny presses open-mouthed kisses up to the corner of his jaw.</p><p>“Can you take some deep breaths for me?”</p><p>Johnny’s mouth grazes the shell of his ear when Jisung nods, and he inhales slowly, shakily, head spinning completely out of control. Johnny’s never done anything like this before. Sometimes he’ll bite down on Jisung’s thighs or hip bones, maybe even suck on the skin a little, but he’s never allowed for something so...<em>tender. </em>Jisung forces his lungs to work steadily but Johnny keeps kissing his throat and his Adam’s apple and the hollow of his collarbone and Jisung feels bigger than his body, ready to burst. Rich, saccharine affection fills his mouth like honey.</p><p>He’s left in a daze when Johnny reaches for the lube, but he returns, propped up on one elbow next to Jisung as he pushes a finger in again. Jisung tries to keep breathing evenly as he wraps a hand around his cock.</p><p>“Better?” Johnny asks. His voice is husky.</p><p>“Yes,” Jisung replies. “Better.”</p><p>On the next stroke, Johnny pushes in much deeper than before, pulling a whine from Jisung’s mouth. It still feels strange, but the potential is there. Even the thought of Johnny’s fingers inside him makes a few drops of precome dribble down the side of Jisung’s cock.</p><p>“Looks like that helped,” Johnny says, smiling. “Feeling all right?”</p><p>“Yeah. It doesn’t feel bad.”</p><p>“I’m gonna try to make it feel really good in a second.”</p><p>He pumps in and out a few more times, letting Jisung get used to the feeling; then, after a couple of moments, he curls his finger upward and Jisung’s body erupts into pleasure.</p><p><em>“Ahh</em>—holy shit—was that my—?”</p><p>“Your prostate, yeah.” Johnny grins. “It’s intense, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Uh-huh.” Jisung squirms a little, already greedy for more. “Can you...do it again?”</p><p>Johnny laughs softly before curling his finger on the next thrust, and Jisung starts stroking his cock in earnest.</p><p><em>“Shit</em>—” Jisung keens, “—it’s s-so much—”</p><p>“Too much?”</p><p>Jisung shakes his head. Johnny leans over to mouth at his neck again, and the twin sensations send Jisung’s body into overdrive. He gasps and whimpers and rolls his hips up faster, already feeling his orgasm approaching.</p><p>“Your neck is really sensitive, huh?”</p><p>Jisung can hear the smile in Johnny’s voice, but he can’t do anything but whine and nod his head.</p><p>“You’re just sensitive all over.” Johnny skims his teeth across Jisung’s throat, making him shiver. “Do you want another finger?”</p><p>“Yes,” Jisung pants. He feels a second finger join the first and the stretch is a little uncomfortable, but soon Johnny is hitting that spot just right and Jisung’s vision suddenly goes blurry. When he closes his eyes to try and keep it in, the tears just slide down the sides of his face.</p><p>“Jisung,” Johnny says, slowing his movements. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Jisung nods as another tear slips free. “Yes, please, keep going, don’t stop—”</p><p>“—I won’t, I won’t. Just checking.” Johnny smiles and picks up his rhythm again, resuming his exploration of Jisung’s neck.</p><p>Jisung is so close, and teetering on the edge of asking Johnny to do something stupid like mark him anywhere it would be visible, but especially on his throat, so Jisung will have a memory that his mouth was there—</p><p>“Hyung, I’m going to come—”</p><p>Johnny takes Jisung’s earlobe between his teeth. “Then come for me, Sungie.”</p><p>Gasping, he comes all over himself and the towel laid down underneath him. He feels it in his whole body, helpless as his breath is stolen by a flood of pleasure that seems to reach down to the very tips of his toes; he thinks he moans Johnny’s name but he’s too enveloped in bliss to have any control over his mouth. Afterward he feels lightheaded, and it’s only when Johnny sits back again that he realizes there are streaks of his release on Johnny’s shirt.</p><p>“Shit,” he breathes, still coming back down to Earth. “Your shirt.”</p><p>Johnny looks down, confused, then laughs as he tugs the towel out from under Jisung to wipe the stains away. He gently removes the pillow, too, then the pillowcase—they’ll change the sheets later, when their hour is nearly up.</p><p>“You’re shaking,” Johnny murmurs. He splays his hand out on Jisung’s stomach and presses down lightly.</p><p>“I know,” Jisung says, and lets out an incredulous giggle. “That really...wow. That was something different.”</p><p>Johnny smiles. “Did you like it?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung grins in return. “I liked it.”</p><p>He laughs a little, weakly, tipping his head back. The tear tracks on his cheeks are turning cold and he begins to lift his hand up to wipe them away but another hand beats him to it, warm, soft. Johnny is quiet as he swipes his thumb through the wetness on Jisung’s cheeks but he looks into Jisung’s eyes unwaveringly the whole time. Jisung still can’t take the full force of Johnny’s eyes on his.</p><p>“Thanks,” he murmurs. “Um, do you want to, like...?”</p><p>He slides his hand over to Johnny’s cock but Johnny stops him.</p><p>“In a minute, maybe. Give yourself a breather.”</p><p>“Okay.” Jisung smiles. “Thank you. For this, and...for everything.”</p><p>Johnny’s still looking at him, one hand grasping Jisung’s over his crotch. He lowers it until it’s on the bed.</p><p>“Of course,” he replies. “I’m glad you asked me.”</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>“Guys, we don’t have enough veggies.”</p><p>Taeil taps Doyoung’s chopsticks out of the way to get at a slice of meat, much to Doyoung’s annoyance. “Hot pot’s about meat. Meat first, veggies last.”</p><p>Johnny laughs as he presses the button for a waiter. “It’s just hot pot, hyung. Let Doyoung-ah have his rabbit food.”</p><p>“I resent that.”</p><p>“So that’s why Jeno-hyung eats so many vegetables.” Jisung adds. “He likes Doyoungie-hyung too much.”</p><p>“Nooo,” Donghyuck singsongs, pinching Jisung’s cheek. “He likes <em>you</em> too much, remember? Jeno-yah loves his Jisungie—”</p><p>“These are going up your nose if you say another word.” Jeno holds up his chopsticks. Donghyuck just pinches Jisung’s cheek with his other hand before going back to prodding around in the pot.</p><p>It’s not a combination Johnny’s used to, with Jisung, Donghyuck, and Jeno across from him and Doyoung and Taeil by his side. But he supposes he’s used to odd combinations by now, and they’re good company, even if Donghyuck is a little tipsy and staring at Taeil with hearts in his eyes and Jisung and Jeno have bickered through most of the meal so far.</p><p>He likes seeing Jisung like this. It’s like how he is in his red flannel; at home, comfortable in his body. He’s seen Jisung comfortable in many different places now but this might be his favorite—speaking fast until he runs out of air, cracking jokes at the expense of his hyungs, giggling loudly without hiding his face. This is the Jisung Johnny is most familiar with, he realizes, and finds himself thinking back to how Jisung was with him before everything. Before the dreams and the agreement and the lamp in the corner of the room. Before Jisung wanted him.</p><p>Now, in front of him, Jisung keeps pulling from the spicy side of the pot even though the way he sucks air in through his teeth shows he’s taking a little more than he can handle. His lips become red and puffy as the meal goes on, and although Johnny’s trying not to look at Jisung too much in front of the others, he can’t stop his eyes from catching on Jisung’s mouth as he presses his lips together to try and dull the burn.</p><p>When he looks up, Jisung’s eyes meet his. Johnny didn’t mean for this to be a <em>moment</em> but for a minute the noise around them fades, enough so Johnny can focus on his own heartbeat, which speeds up as a smirk plays around the corners of Jisung’s mouth. Panic surges at the sight of such a well-known smile on Jisung’s lips in front of all these people and Johnny breaks their gaze, inhaling as he yanks his head back into the thick of the cacophony. That expression on Jisung’s face here feels even more odd than the combination of members, he thinks; like a sense of déjà vu after he’s woken up from a dream.</p><p>“I’m excited to see Jisung-ah dance <em>Déjà Vu </em>again this week,” Doyoung says, the word pulling Johnny back into the present. “And <em>Work It</em>. I hear you’ve been practicing hard.”</p><p>“Too hard,” Jeno continues. “He’s gonna hurt himself again.”</p><p>“Am not.” Jisung scrunches up his nose. “Yeah, I’m excited too. And nervous. I’m afraid I won’t do well.”</p><p>“That choreo is easy for you,” Donghyuck says. “You’ll be fine.”</p><p>Jisung laughs shyly, eyeing his fingertips on the edge of the table. “I’m still nervous. But it’s been cool hanging out with the groups again.”</p><p>It’s quick, sneaky, but Johnny notices Jisung’s eyes flick over to him. He bites the inside of his cheek and smiles.</p><p>“It’s great that we can finally perform as one unit,” he says, carefully. Taeil blows a raspberry.</p><p>“Johnny-yah, so professional. This isn’t an interview.”</p><p>Johnny’s been holding off on drinks, but Taeil, Jeno, and Donghyuck are all rosy-cheeked and loud. Jisung also hasn’t had more than a couple sips of Donghyuck’s soju but he seems to be having fun sober; Doyoung complained about puffiness tomorrow morning and has stuck with water for the night.</p><p>“I’m worried my voice is going to crack,” Donghyuck confesses. “It’s been so long since I sang in front of actual people.”</p><p>“What are we then, eh?” Taeil interjects. Donghyuck reaches across the table for Taeil’s hands, which he can’t—or won’t—move away fast enough.</p><p>“Not you, hyung. You’re a person.”</p><p>“We should all drink after the concert,” Jeno says. “To celebrate.”</p><p>Donghyuck giggles. “You just want Jisungie to kiss you again.”</p><p>Johnny freezes. He looks to Jisung, who’s burying his face in his hands.</p><p>“Please,” Jisung implores, “don’t.”</p><p>“Is this about...” Johnny props his chin up on his hand. “...the whole...foot kissing incident from earlier this year?”</p><p>“Oh, no.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “That was only the first time. Jisungie kisses so much when he’s drunk.”</p><p><em>“Please,”</em> Jisung says again, blushing. “Don’t do this to me, I’m begging you.”</p><p>“Jisungie kisses <em>everyone,”</em> Donghyuck barrels on. “But especially Jeno.”</p><p>“He uses a lot of tongue,” Jeno hums, leaning back in his chair with a smile, and Johnny’s stomach goes cold. Doyoung lets out a bark of laughter and covers his mouth.</p><p>“What kind of things are you kids getting up to?”</p><p>“You know.” Donghyuck winks cheesily at Johnny. “The usual stuff.”</p><p>Johnny forces a laugh, then a grin. He dreads the reason why he has to force either of the two.</p><p>“So it’s, like...” He squints. <em>“...Kissing</em> kissing.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Donghyuck replies. “Full on, sloppy, tongue-down-your-throat, French, make out—”</p><p>“Shut up!” Jisung slaps a hand over Donghyuck’s mouth. <em>“Please</em> stop talking.”</p><p>Johnny sits there with Donghyuck’s words bouncing around in his head, half-picturing Jisung’s tongue down someone’s throat. Down <em>Jeno’s</em> throat. Johnny knows what Jeno means, too; Jisung always uses too much tongue when he sucks Johnny off. It’s one of the reasons Johnny’s grown to love Jisung’s blowjobs so much.</p><p>But why did Johnny assume Jisung had never kissed anyone before? Kissing and sex don’t always go hand in hand—Johnny knows this better than anyone. Sometimes he and Ten would just kiss for comfort, when one or both of them were feeling out of sorts. Jisung has never tried to kiss him or even asked about it, but—</p><p>Johnny feels something stir in his gut. For a moment, he contemplates, <em>really</em> contemplates what kissing Jisung would be like.</p><p>His breath catches.</p><p>“...confused,” Taeil is saying. “He only kisses feet if he’s blacked out? But kisses regularly before that?”</p><p>“Exactly,” Donghyuck replies, sagely. “It’s like he—”</p><p>“—I want to go home,” Jisung groans.</p><p>“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Doyoung says. “We should all get to bed.”</p><p>Jisung had slowly become beet red as his drunken antics were described in detail, and Johnny catches Jeno smiling distractedly at him. It makes something inside Johnny squirm, not tangible, necessarily, but uncomfortable. He decides to look away.</p><p>Doyoung collects all their credit cards when the waiter arrives and then Johnny is forced to look at Jeno again as his is pulled; he smiles, pained, and looks up at the ceiling while Jisung and Donghyuck clap him on the back. Johnny’s never paid special attention to the way Jeno and Jisung interact but his eyes follow Jisung’s hand now, squeezing Jeno’s shoulder in comfort. It feels cold, cold in Johnny’s gut.</p><p>After Jeno pays and is showered in declarations of gratitude, three of them walk and three of them stumble out of the restaurant to meet their driver outside.</p><p>“You guys go ahead,” Jisung says, “I think I left something at the company, I’m gonna walk over.”</p><p>“It’s late,” Doyoung says. He stands outside the car as Jeno climbs inside, a commotion sounding from the backseat where Johnny catches Donghyuck and Taeil making out messily.</p><p>“I’ll go with him,” Johnny pipes up. “It’s a short walk.”</p><p>Doyoung eyes him. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“We’ll be fine,” Jisung says. He’s doing that nervous thing with his hands, although he’s downplaying it enough for Doyoung not to notice. Johnny notices.</p><p>“Well, just—don’t stay up the whole night, Jisung-ah. I know you’ve been sneak-practicing.”</p><p>“I’ll make sure he doesn’t,” Johnny says.</p><p>“Okay.” Doyoung smiles. “Goodnight, then.”</p><p>Jisung nods, his hands in his pockets. “‘Night, Hyung.”</p><p>Johnny watches him get in the car, Jeno waving through the window as it pulls away. He and Jisung both wave back, and then the car pulls around a corner, leaving them alone. Johnny smirks under his mask.</p><p>“Did you really leave something at the company?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung says. “My zip-up from Renjun-hyung.”</p><p>“Ah.” Johnny nods, looking down the street dotted with a couple late-night stragglers. “Well. Let’s get going.”</p><p>They start in the direction of the company in silence, save for the occasional passing of cars or pedestrians. Johnny can’t tell if it’s comfortable.</p><p>“Sorry about them,” Jisung says after a while. “Haechan-hyung likes to tease me when he’s drunk.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Johnny huffs a laugh. “Seems like you’ve got quite the reputation.”</p><p>“I—<em>Hyung!”</em></p><p>Jisung looks at him, panic clear on his face although only his eyes are visible; Johnny watches his eyebrows crinkle in annoyance when he notices Johnny’s amusement. He wonders what Jisung’s mouth looks like under his mask, if he’s pouting or biting his lip. He wants to hook a finger into the top of the mask and pull it down, pull his own down so he can press their lips together—</p><p>“They were blowing things out of proportion,” Jisung continues. “It was just regular kissing.”</p><p>Johnny hopes he collects himself fast enough. “Regular kissing,” he repeats. “I thought you said they were like family.”</p><p>“Yeah. <em>Like </em>family. I just get kissy when I’m drunk, it’s no big deal.”</p><p>Johnny nods slowly. “Right.”</p><p>They continue to the company and find the lobby empty when they get inside. Jisung unhooks his mask from one ear to shout a long <em>ECHOOO</em> into the space, making Johnny chuckle and shush him, but when Jisung’s voice reverberates Johnny finds himself holding his breath and listening.</p><p><em>“What am I now?” </em>Jisung sings, <em>“What am I now? What if I’m someone you don’t want around...”</em></p><p>He lets the sound ripple until it dies out completely, then looks at Johnny with a smile. Johnny smiles back.</p><p><em>“Falling again,” </em>Johnny sings, softer, hesitant. <em>“I’m falling again, I’m falling...”</em></p><p>Jisung laughs. He’s beautiful in this empty space, surreal, dreamlike. Johnny’s been in this building hundreds of times in the middle of the night but it’s never felt as much like a dream as it does now.</p><p>“You really like that song, huh?”</p><p>Jisung nods. “I think it’s one of the saddest songs ever written.”</p><p>“Sheesh.” Johnny takes a deep breath, looking around the lobby. “C’mon, let’s go get your hoodie.”</p><p>He follows Jisung to the elevator, wiggling his eyebrows as they both step inside.</p><p>“What if we got stuck in the elevator, huh? Wouldn’t that be fun?”</p><p>Immediately, pink blooms on Jisung’s face. “I think they have security cameras in here.”</p><p>“Even better.”</p><p>Jisung swallows audibly, staring at the elevator doors as he presses his lips together.</p><p>“Would you like that?” He asks, quietly. “If someone saw us while we were...”</p><p>Lightning tears through Johnny’s body. “While we were having sex?”</p><p>Jisung’s breath goes shaky. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, and when he looks over at Johnny finally, eyes dark, a blush high on his cheeks, the elevator dings.</p><p>“Let’s save that thought for later,” Johnny murmurs as they step into the hallway. Jisung doesn’t say anything else.</p><p>The idea follows him. Someone watching through the camera as Johnny got on his knees and sucked Jisung off, maybe as Johnny fucked him up against the wall. A kind of deranged craving to have someone know they’re sleeping together bubbles to the surface, unexpectedly, and Johnny takes a moment to scold himself. He still wants to keep Jisung out of trouble. He needs to keep them both out of trouble.</p><p>They walk quietly to the practice rooms, where Jisung spots his hoodie in the corner and jogs over to retrieve it; Johnny spends a moment just looking around the walls he’s spent so much time between, only glancing back at Jisung when he returns and touches Johnny’s arm.</p><p>“I got it,” he says. “Let’s go.”</p><p>Their faces are close, closer than they usually allow outside of the guest room. All of the sudden he hears Jisung’s breathing quiet down, his lips parting as he looks into Johnny’s eyes.</p><p>Looks at Johnny’s mouth.</p><p>“Okay,” Johnny says before leaning back and clearing his throat. “Yeah. We should get out of here, it’s late.”</p><p>Jisung rolls his eyes. “Is that the spirit of Doyoung-hyung possessing you?”</p><p>Johnny squints at Jisung but he can’t help from smiling. “Very funny.”</p><p>Nonetheless, Jisung lets Johnny lead the way back down to the lobby, their footsteps the lone sound bouncing off the space’s cold, shining walls.</p><p>“Shit,” Johnny says, frowning, “I don’t know if I can get into the garage this late.”</p><p>“I can just walk the rest of the way. It’s not too much further.”</p><p>“Let me walk you back, then.”</p><p>“That’s okay.” Jisung smiles wryly. “I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“I know you can, just...”</p><p>Johnny trails off, unsure how to pick the right words. There’s something bright and acidic on the tip of his tongue, unfamiliar; Johnny’s sure if he thought about it for more than a couple of seconds his whole throat would seize up and push the feeling back down. But he doesn’t give himself enough time for that.</p><p>“...Let me walk you home.”</p><p>Jisung takes a slow breath, looking toward the front door. His cheeks betray the beginnings of a grin.</p><p>“Well...if you really want to...”</p><p>“I really want to. Come on.”</p><p>They step into the night and the cold makes clouds of their breath, streaming out through the tops of their masks. The city is never quiet, but walking alone with Jisung like this almost makes them sway into that same limbo that exists when the door is locked and the lamp is lit; when Johnny’s hands are free to touch Jisung’s skin and draw the sweetest sounds from his mouth.</p><p>“So,” Johnny starts, unable to keep his own mouth from running, “the concert. How are you really feeling about it?”</p><p>Jisung laughs. “You think I was lying?”</p><p>“No, I just think you had more to say.”</p><p>Jisung looks so pleased some of it spills right into Johnny’s pockets, and he sticks his hands in to try and grasp at the warmth there.</p><p>“Well, I <em>am</em> nervous. I think everyone’s nervous. But honestly, I just haven’t felt the same since we stopped performing for a live audience—everything else that comes with this job is great, but...”</p><p>“...That’s the <em>thing,</em> isn’t it?” Johnny offers. “That’s your thing.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung sneaks a glance at him. “It kind of is, I guess.”</p><p>“Well, you’re really good at it.”</p><p>Jisung looks bashful now as he puts a hand over his mask, eyes crinkling. “I...thank you. It’s your thing too, though.”</p><p>“I suppose it is.”</p><p>“How are <em>you</em> feeling about the concert, really?”</p><p>“How am I feeling?” Johnny lets out a heavy sigh. “Sometimes I think about it and I want to cry.”</p><p>
  <em>“Really?”</em>
</p><p>Johnny laughs. “Yeah. It’s gonna be a big deal, even if it’s a smaller show than usual.”</p><p>Jisung nods. “I’m never taking a single show for granted ever again.”</p><p>“You said it.”</p><p>They’re close to Jisung’s building now and Johnny notices that they’re walking slower; leisurely, plodding steps that tell him neither of them want Jisung to go inside.</p><p>“It’s so clear tonight,” Johnny says, pulling down his mask as he looks up.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung replies. “It is.”</p><p>“Makes me want to go somewhere where we can actually see the stars.”</p><p>Jisung smiles as he tucks his own mask under his chin. “I still look for them in the city. Even though I know we can’t see them.”</p><p>They’ve slowed to a stop outside the door. Stomach fluttering, Johnny watches the fog of their breath mingle.</p><p>“This is cringe, but...” Jisung starts, “I love nights like this—the ones that remind me that we’re just hurtling through space. Like, all of us, when we’re standing outside, have a direct path to the stars.”</p><p>Jisung’s smiling shyly at him when finally looks back down, and in Johnny’s head, something’s starting to make sense. For a moment, the Jisung he knew before all of this started and the one he got to know in the most intimate of places are both standing in front of him, here, in one body.</p><p>“That’s not cringe at all.”</p><p>Jisung’s face unfolds into fondness and that sour fear gnaws at the lining of Johnny’s stomach; he feels himself freeze up, unsure, anxious. He doesn’t face it head-on, not even this time, but he doesn’t turn tail and run either. He just stays. Static, for once.</p><p>Their hands are close enough to brush, if one of them moved just slightly.</p><p>Johnny’s fingers twitch.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the last half of this chapter sure flew out of my body very late last night!! and on a work night too o-&lt;--&lt; well, here it is! thank you so very much to all the new readers I've met since posting the last chappie. you make the world go round ♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jisung’s skin is on fire.</p><p>His lower back is damp with sweat, prickly and hot as it sticks to his duvet. He’s only been out of the shower for about five minutes but he locked the door just in case someone decided to call him for dinner—there was no way in hell he was going to stroll into the living room with his dick hard enough to cut glass.</p><p>He’s using the lube Johnny gave him last time—last time, the first time he had Johnny’s fingers in his ass, the first time he had <em> anything </em> in his ass like that—but it doesn’t feel quite as good as it did when Johnny’s plush lips were leaving kisses along the line of his neck. His spine is twisted uncomfortably and his forearm muscles are tired and his fingers just can’t seem to hit the right spot, long and spindly as they may be.</p><p>He pauses, chest heaving. He could come from just jerking off, but...</p><p>But that’s the whole reason he got hard in the first place. Johnny’s fingers in his ass. Johnny’s <em> cock </em> in his ass. The scalding thought of Johnny sliding into him, sensual; the thought of making Johnny spit out a curse or two at how it feels to be inside him.</p><p>Jisung takes a deep breath and pushes his fingers back in, ignoring the burn in his wrist and angling his fingers upward to where he thought Johnny had curled his. Frustrated, he shifts his hips, wiggling them a little side to side and then up toward—</p><p><em> “Oh, fuck,” </em>Jisung keens, then stops altogether in fear of being heard. He doesn’t dare move his hand a millimeter in case he loses the spot, instead silently and motionlessly collecting himself before he continues.</p><p>He squeezes his eyes shut as he pumps his fingers in and out of himself, fisting his cock tightly but steadily to keep from getting overwhelmed. Every muscle in his body is taut, his release growing more and more tangible as he hits his prostate over and over; Jisung thinks about how Johnny would push his knee back for better access, how he’d thrust deep enough for his pubic bone to meet Jisung’s ass. He wants Johnny inside of him so bad that it <em> aches. </em></p><p><em> “Jisung-ah,” </em> phantom-Johnny says in his ear, a fragment of the very real Johnny who lied next to him and unlocked him with the tips of his fingers. <em> “Let go for me.” </em></p><p>And Jisung does, resisting the urge to cry out. He lets his lips ghost Johnny’s name instead and rolls his hips back, wringing the last bits of pleasure from his body before the roaring in his ears forces him to breathe again.</p><p><em> “Jisung-ah,” </em> comes another voice from outside the door, definitely not Johnny’s this time. It’s Renjun, and he knocks a few more times before demanding, “Come have dinner!”</p><p>“In a minute!” Jisung shouts back, still a little winded.</p><p>He lies there for a moment, tranquil and warm but not quite satisfied; he’s alone, and he itches for the feeling of Johnny’s body heat beside him. His stomach flips when he realizes how used to it he is. Holding onto his heart with both hands to keep it from skittering away, he cleans up, washes his hands, gets dressed, and opens a window to air out the room before joining the others for dinner.</p><p>It’s getting easy for Jisung to hide the fact that he came hard—this time with his fingers up his ass—five minutes before he reached the dinner table. Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun, and Chenle, who joined them for dinner, are already immersed in either conversation or some sort of squabbling that Jisung comfortably tunes out. It’s not often that they all eat together like this in the dorm. Jisung looks around the table with a small smile, taking in the sight of these people he loves so much gathered in one place.</p><p>“He emerges!” Renjun exclaims, and Jisung makes a face.</p><p>“Nice of you to join us,” Jaemin adds.</p><p>Jisung snickers. “Thanks, <em> eomma.” </em></p><p>“That’s not even an insult to him,” Chenle says, covering his mouth as he chews. “Try harder, Jisung-ah.”</p><p>Jisung sits down and serves himself some of the food prepared by their dorm auntie, the knot in his gut unraveling a little. He manages to keep himself grounded at the table for most of the meal, only allowing a few stray thoughts about Johnny’s fingers or mouth or cock that he quickly shakes away. He’s in the middle of dispersing a particularly risque memory of Johnny making direct eye contact while teasing his cockhead when he catches Chenle mentioning something about his mother.</p><p>“Wait,” Jisung says, “what was that?”</p><p>“Hm?” Chenle pauses mid-bite.</p><p>“Your mom?”</p><p>“Oh, she’s coming to stay for the week of the concert.” Chenle continues eating, talking around the mouthful. “She says I don’t take good care of myself when I’m stressed out, which.” He shrugs. “She’s not wrong.”</p><p>The disappointment is immediate and crushing, although it’s followed by an even more crushing feeling of guilt. He hasn’t even mentioned anything to Chenle yet even though it’s been almost two months since he started using his guest bedroom as a rendezvous point. Jisung is used to seeing Johnny every week now, and although he supposes he’ll see Johnny elsewhere, in won’t be in the dark, surrounded by those Escher shadows, with Johnny’s scent on his skin and Johnny’s hands on his body and Johnny, Johnny, Johnny—</p><p>“That’s really nice of her,” Jisung says. “Lucky.”</p><p>And in reality, he shouldn’t have planned on seeing Johnny this week anyway, not with everything else going on. But the disappointment lingers.</p><p>It’s only after dinner that he sees the text waiting for him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> ☕ tomorrow? :) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung sets his phone down on the bathroom counter and rubs his hands over his face, awash with flutters. His whole body still does that at every text from Johnny, no matter how often Johnny texts him these days.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> can’t :( chenle’s mom is in town for a week </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He taps his fingers against the sink anxiously as he awaits Johnny’s reply. Johnny keeps typing and then stopping and then typing again, and for a moment Jisung is afraid he’s said something wrong even though he reminds himself that there’s nothing wrong to be said.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> we’ll just have to reward ourselves after the concert, then ;) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sparks zip all the way down to Jisung’s toes, a number of them gathering in his cock and staying there. He prays to any god listening that he’ll be able to survive the week.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> guess we will ;) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There’s a minute that feels like freefall as Jisung stares at the words on his phone screen. This is an opening. Jisung could, if he wanted to...</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p><em> idk how i’m going to make it that far </em> <em> ㅋㅋ </em></p><p> </p><p>He waits again, biting his lip.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> oh yeah? been thinking about it that much, huh </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> yeah </em>
</p><p>
  <em> thinking about last time </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> which part of last time? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung takes a breath. He looks cautiously at the bathroom door, then locks it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> all of it </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but especially when your fingers were inside me </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He’s numb with nerves. It’s easier in the moment, when Johnny is right in front of them and they don’t have to address every single thing that’s going on. Here, in plain text, Jisung feels like he’s under a microscope.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> have you tried fingering yourself yet? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I did before dinner </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I came really hard </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung watches Johnny type in fits and starts again, unable to ignore his cock filling out in his sweats. Blindly, he types out another message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I was thinking about you while I did it </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you fingering me </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Johnny stops typing altogether. Again, panic wavers at the sidelines, eager to pounce; Jisung forces himself not to write another text while he’s waiting for Johnny’s reply.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> are you touching yourself now? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s breath catches. He’s not sure if this is a reprimand or if Johnny is asking him to—if Johnny already has his cock out with a hand wrapped around it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> no but I could </em>
</p><p>
  <em> do you want me to? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> you don’t have to </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung sighs, frustrated. Johnny’s always like this, with all his questions and tiptoeing and careful touches. Sometimes they make Jisung feel lighter than air, filled to the brim with rose-colored affection that Johnny stirs around with his gentleness; right now, he wants action. He considers giving an excuse and unlocking the door when another text comes through.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> fuck im hard </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Well.</p><p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p><p>Jisung’s head is spinning. His own cock jolts and he gives it a squeeze, swallowing thickly. He stares at his blank text box, watching as another message pops up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> hyuck’s in the room with me though </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> are you in bed? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> yeah. we both are </em>
</p><p> </p><p>After a moment of contemplation, Jisung decisively pulls his dick free, spits in his hand, and gives it a few strokes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> im touching myswlf </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He puts his phone face up on the counter and gives his cock a couple good pumps, leaning his head back so it rests against the wall. He thinks of Johnny in his room, hard under his sheets and with nothing to do about it, maybe imagining what Jisung is doing right this very moment.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> fuck </em>
</p><p>
  <em> fuck fuck fuck </em>
</p><p>
  <em> how? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> fast </em>
</p><p>
  <em> cant help it want yuo too much </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I want you too </em>
</p><p>
  <em> shit sungie </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Arousal rocks Jisung’s entire body, consuming him whole. Johnny wants him. <em> Johnny </em> wants <em> him </em> —there it is, in black and white, crystal clear. This is still just an agreement and Jisung has learned not to even hope for anything more, but despite all of that...Johnny <em> wants </em>him.</p><p>Jisung pauses. He stops, focusing on squishing down the fondness creeping up his throat with both hands and all his body weight. It’s not unusual for Johnny to want someone, he reminds himself. Johnny probably wants people all the time. He wants Donghyuck, and maybe Ten still, and who knows who else—strangers, people Jisung has never met.</p><p>Jisung presses his feelings into an acceptable shape and size before stuffing them somewhere out of his reach.</p><p>It’s just remarkable that Johnny wants <em> him. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> wish u cuold be hre </em>
</p><p>
  <em> need ur fingers agai </em>
</p><p>
  <em> n </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> you must be really hard huh </em>
</p><p>
  <em> imagining me fucking my fingers in you until you’re shaking </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s hand stops short, every muscle tense with the effort of <em> not coming. </em>His cock aches with unspent pleasure and the thought of Johnny inside him is driving him insane, out of his mind with want—he honestly wonders for a moment how he’ll get through the week without seeing Johnny at least once.</p><p>A thought bubbles up as he looks at his phone in his left hand, making his head a little fuzzy at the rush of adrenaline that comes with it. He’s never felt this brave, this <em> horny. </em>Holding his breath, he types out the message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> do u wanna see how hard I am? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s heart is pounding in his ears. He’s never sent a dick pic in his life or even considered it, but if Johnny is just as turned on as he is...</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> oh shit </em>
</p><p>
  <em> if you’re comfortable with that, yeah </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s stomach drops through the floor. Hands immediately trembling again, he opens the camera app on his phone and wraps his fingers around the base of his cock, presenting it hard and aching. He snaps a picture or two, then smears some precum over the head so the skin is slick and shiny, practically dripping for Johnny. This is all for Johnny, Jisung thinks, just him, and for a brief second he entertains the thought of belonging to Johnny entirely.</p><p>Instantly, something sharp slices a clean line through the tangled mess of his insides. It’s getting worse every day even though he’s fighting it; Jisung knows this.</p><p>He sends the picture.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me </em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> [image attached] </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> holy fuck you really are hard </em>
</p><p>
  <em> so wet, look at you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> god sungie you’re fucking killing me </em>
</p><p> </p><p>With each new message, a shock of pleasure fizzes through Jisung’s body; he strokes his cock frantically to the knowledge that he’s pulling Johnny right to the edge with him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      me</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> wish u could touch urself w me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> cum w me </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> me too baby </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you getting close? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung is gasping for air, <em> baby </em> in Johnny’s voice pinging around his head like a bullet—it’s so unexpected that it delivers a sharp sting right behind his ribs, right where it hurts when he hears Johnny and Ten toss that word back and forth, except now—</p><p>Oh, <em> God, </em> Jisung is close. He’s so close that he almost lets it all go right then and there but he stops in the middle of his frenzy, a desperate need urging him to slide his camera app over to video. Then he reaches for the bathroom fan switch and hikes his shirt up to his armpits, exposing his stomach as he angles his cock upward.</p><p><em> “Hyung,” </em> he moans when he presses record, hopefully quiet enough that it can’t be picked up in the hallway but loud enough to be heard over the fan. <em> “Ahh, </em> Hyung—”</p><p>It would be a catastrophe if anyone else got their hands on this recording, Jisung thinks idly. What he’s doing right now is so, <em> so </em> dangerous—he’s already shown his face in the mirror, blotchy, lips bitten pink. But the idea of someone finding it, of someone knowing what Jisung is making it for, only spurs him on further.</p><p>“Johnny Hyung,” he breathes, sealing his fate. “Johnny Hyung, <em> fuck, </em> I—I’m coming—”</p><p>Jisung comes with a few short gasps over moans he’s desperately trying to hold in, hips jerking up as he shoots onto his stomach. He lets the recording go for a few more seconds as he catches his breath, then lets out a winded giggle; impulsively, he runs a finger through the mess a couple times before he turns the recording off. He sends it, not bothering to think twice.</p><p>While waiting for a reply, he cleans up, flips the fan switch, and slips out of the bathroom to the hallway. He’s still shaking slightly, not quite over the rush of what he’s just done—of what he and Johnny have just done together. They haven’t talked about this before. They haven’t even brought it up as something to try.  </p><p>He’s opening the kitchen cupboards to look for a snack when he sees his phone screen light up on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> oh my god </em>
</p><p>
  <em> fuck, jisungie </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wanna suck your cock so bad </em>
</p><p>
  <em> want you to fuck my mouth </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s breath quickens as he reads over Johnny’s reply a few times. The way Johnny’s talking makes it sound like he’s being tortured, and Jisung realizes with a shiver that he probably is—Johnny is in his bed, right next to Donghyuck, unable to touch himself.</p><p>Suddenly, Jisung wonders if they’re still sleeping together.</p><p>The thrill oozes out of him as his conversation with Donghyuck from weeks before resurfaces again. Usually, he uses it like a sedative; whenever he gets too wrapped up in Johnny’s attentiveness or his quiet words or the soft look that filters into his eyes sometimes, he comes back to the fact that this is not just between them. Johnny is not his.</p><p>Now, instead of the memory sitting cold in the bottom of his belly, it <em> burns. </em></p><p>He looks at the messages again. The ache that chewed at every part of his body has turned uncomfortable, and with a tense, unsteady hand, he turns his phone face-down on the counter.</p><p>He exits the kitchen, no longer hungry.</p><p> </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>“You look more than ready, Jisung-ah.”</p><p>Ten is watching him with his hands on his hips, smiling. Jisung smiles back through the practice room mirror as he runs through the step one more time.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Ten tells him. “It looks great.”</p><p>Jisung huffs a laugh, looking down at his feet. “Thanks.”</p><p>His eyes flick over to where Johnny and Yuta enter the practice room, both grinning brightly as they talk to each other. Jisung hasn’t talked to Johnny since the night before, even though he’d picked up his phone several times throughout the night, struck with the urge to write an absolutely debauched reply.</p><p>Johnny’s got his hands in his pockets as he casually scans the room—or, at least, that’s what it looks like he’s doing. His gaze keeps catching on the members stretching or warming up until it reaches Jisung.</p><p>Their eyes meet in the mirror. Jisung’s heart is hammering at a hummingbird’s pace and he doesn’t know what to do with his features all of the sudden; he thinks he smiles but it feels a little like a grimace and he decides to look away before he can do anything worse.</p><p><em> God, </em> Jisung thinks, <em> this is awful. </em>He should’ve just gotten over himself and replied to Johnny’s text—now he feels like he’s back to square one, barely able to look Johnny in the face without crumbling.</p><p>So when Johnny’s eyes are elsewhere, he busies himself with looking at other parts of Johnny’s anatomy.</p><p>Johnny’s got all his weight one one foot, one hand still in the pocket of his Adidas. He’s absently running his tongue along the edge of his front teeth, his other hand playing with the collar of his black button-up; Jisung almost chokes on his saliva when he sees a silver chain adorning Johnny’s collarbone, revealed by the open two buttons of his shirt.</p><p>Johnny looks fucking <em> amazing. </em></p><p>It can’t be just Jisung noticing—he takes a quick look around at the other members to check if anyone else is seeing this, but everyone else is either minding their own business or caught up in pre-practice rituals. Johnny looks even better than usual, if that’s possible. How he’s not the center of attention is baffling.</p><p>When Jisung glances back, Johnny’s looking at him.</p><p>Immediately, he loses his cool, turning his head jerkily to the wall next to him before realizing it must look out of place and rubbing at the back of his neck instead. It must be the text that he never sent that’s got him so flustered. Johnny’s <em> done </em> dirtier things to him than what he said the night before. But the word <em> baby </em> under Johnny’s name is still seared onto the backs of his eyelids, making something in him flip-flop with so much force that he feels his knees go a little weak.</p><p>He closes his eyes and makes a frenetic attempt to pull it together. He can’t spare another public boner, much less have Johnny notice. He’s used to Johnny now. They’re used to each other. This shouldn’t be happening.</p><p>He can’t stop looking.</p><p>It continues through all of practice—Johnny will fill spaces in the dance by pushing back his hair or playing with the waistband of his sweats, and Jisung just cannot seem to tear his eyes away from the veins in his hands, the way he moves so carelessly. Johnny raises his arms for a step and his shirt—unbuttoned from the bottom as well—lifts to reveal the trail of hair down to his waistband, which Jisung can’t stop thinking about pulling down—what was he thinking, not responding to that text? He longs to tell Johnny all the things he would do to him now, but now’s too late—God, Jisung would get on his knees right this moment and suck Johnny’s cock in front of everyone, he’d—</p><p>“Stop staring,” Johnny mutters to him when they’re on the sidelines. “You’re making me hard.”</p><p>Jisung really does choke this time. Johnny glances at him worriedly.</p><p>“I—I c-can’t help it,” Jisung replies in between wheezes. “You—you look so—”</p><p>Ten calls for them to regroup, and Johnny gives him a final look before heading back to the center. Jisung pounds on his chest, red-faced, then follows.</p><p>He tries, genuinely. He attempts to direct his eyes anywhere else, to burrow into his body like he can sometimes while dancing; but Johnny is in his peripheral like some sort of jungle cat ready to pounce and the more Jisung tries to, the more he finds ignoring him to be impossible. He attempts to throw a slightly panicked look in Johnny’s direction instead, hoping to convey that Johnny is <em> too hot </em> and that he should maybe tone it down a bit, but all he receives is a few smoldering seconds of eye contact that have his dick dangerously close to making itself known.</p><p>He can’t take much more of this. It hasn’t been this bad since he was having dreams about Johnny, putting distance between them out of desperation as opposed to fear of being found out.</p><p>Thankfully Johnny leaves for the bathroom during a water break, offering Jisung a few moments of peace during which he tries to scrape himself off the floor enough to focus on actually practicing. He takes a deep, calming breath, then another one, preparing himself for a redoubled attempt to block Johnny out for the time being. When his phone buzzes in his back pocket, he frowns and fishes it out to turn it off.</p><p>It’s a text from Johnny.</p><p>Jisung stares at the notification. Maybe Johnny <em> is </em> taking offense to being left on read, although Jisung hardly thinks this is the place to hash things out—maybe he thinks Jisung’s being weird and wants to check in, which Jisung certainly wouldn’t put past him. Either way, he’s going to have to face Johnny in the next five minutes, so he begrudgingly enters his passcode and opens his texting app—</p><p>His entire body <em> jolts. </em></p><p>He makes a grab for his phone but it bounces off his hand and lands on the floor, face down.</p><p>“I got it!” Jisung blurts when Hendery goes to pick it up for him. “Thank you. Got it.”</p><p>“Did you break it?”</p><p>“Uh...”</p><p>Jisung makes sure to lock his phone before turning it over, and lo and behold, a new crack splits the glass from side to side.</p><p>“Shit,” he mumbles. “Looks like it’s just the screen protector, though.”</p><p>“Magic hands,” Jaemin teases as he walks toward the door. Jisung scowls at his back.</p><p>Turning carefully so his back is to a corner of the room, he opens the message again with trembling hands.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>                      johnny hyung 💫</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> [image attached] </em>
</p><p>
  <em> revenge </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s Johnny’s cock.</p><p>Hard and pink, with Johnny’s thumb resting mid-stroke next to the slit. It’s probably in the same bathroom Jisung fled to all that time ago, maybe even the same stall, and Jisung’s dick is definitely perking up in interest, even when he closes the image. He breathes deep again and tries to think of unsexy things; Jaemin’s dirty socks, Christmas with his family, Chenle nagging him first thing in the morning with that wheedling voice, but it’s no use. Johnny comes strolling back in with a pointed look in Jisung’s direction and Jisung goes from partially soft to fully hard in under a minute.</p><p>“Hyung,” he hisses the next time Johnny’s close enough. He’s tucked his dick into his waistband but there’s no way it’s going to hold. “I thought we were trying to avoid...<em> problems.” </em></p><p>“Then go take care of it,” Johnny whispers back. He gives Jisung a look so sly that Jisung has to cover his dick twitching with both hands. “Worked for me.”</p><p><em> “What? </em>I can’t just—”</p><p>“You’ve done it before, haven’t you?”</p><p>Jisung’s mouth drops open as he feels his face color, but he quickly snaps it shut. He’s already walking the line, getting a few looks from the members that tell him he should really try to control his reactions.</p><p>“Hyung—”</p><p>Johnny just raises a brow and smirks cheekily at Jisung’s crotch as if to say, <em> it’s not gonna jerk itself. </em> Then he bounces away to resume the choreography, leaving Jisung hard and wanting with a hot coil of embarrassment in his stomach.</p><p>He looks at the door. He looks at Johnny.</p><p>He takes a bathroom break and comes quietly over his fist, fuming, burning for Johnny’s touch and the way he plays Jisung like a fucking harp.</p><p>From there, it’s only one more day of practice before the concert, and blessedly, Johnny doesn’t pull any more funny business. But it does feel like something has shifted between them—minutely, not enough that anyone would notice from the outside, though Jisung can’t help fixating on it every time he and Johnny are within ten feet of each other. During practice, he’ll share glances with Johnny in the mirror or from across the room. They didn’t do that before; Johnny was always too careful. Halfway through lunch when they’re both filling their water bottles, there’s a moment where Johnny almost spills and Jisung reaches out to steady his hand; it’s almost worthy of a drama, how their eyes meet when Jisung’s fingers brush his, and if he didn’t know any better, Jisung would lean in and press their lips together right then and there.</p><p>He doesn’t. He goes back to the practice room, heart pounding, and makes it through the day without event. He and Johnny don’t text for the rest of the evening or the next morning before the concert.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” Jeno asks him quietly when they’re in the car. It’s the crack of dawn and Jisung really isn’t in the mood for talking, but Jeno looks at him so earnestly that he’d feel evil telling him to shut up.</p><p>“Tired,” he says instead. “Nervous.”</p><p>“Mmn.” Jeno yawns, leaning back in his seat. “Me too.”</p><p>“You’ll be great, hyung. You always are.”</p><p>There’s a moment of silence and Jisung assumes the conversation is over. Then, after a while,</p><p>“Thank you, Jisung-ah.”</p><p>“No problem,” Jisung replies, already shutting his eyes.</p><p>The air backstage has a flavor to it that Jisung had almost forgotten about; bright as neon and buzzing with an excess of anxious movement. The sluggishness of the morning slowly melts away as he weaves through clumps of makeup artists and stagehands and members gathered together busily, either prodding or being prodded at. Chenle still looks half-asleep as foundation is dabbed onto his face by one of the stylists, and Yuta greets him with a wiggly-fingered peace sign. Jisung feels it expanding in his chest, the longing, how much he missed this. He almost forgets to look for Johnny.</p><p>Johnny is here, and he’s not even acknowledging Jisung’s presence. He’s talking with Mark about something and for a moment Jisung thinks he simply hasn’t noticed their arrival, but Mark gives Jisung a wave and Johnny just turns around to look, offering a flick of his eyebrows before resuming his conversation.</p><p>Jisung falters. It’s a distinct contrast from the day before.</p><p>“Hey,” someone says behind him, just as he’s started to slide down what will inevitably be a long spiral. He turns around to find Sicheng’s bright eyes on him, a small smile adorning his mouth that Jisung can’t help but return.</p><p>“Oh, hi,” he replies.</p><p>“You made it. You’re the last ones here.”</p><p>“Wasn’t my fault,” Jisung supplies quickly, and Sicheng laughs.</p><p>“How are you feeling today? How’s your knee? I heard you’ve been overdoing it.”</p><p>“Aish,” Jisung says, sighing. “Can’t they just let me practice in peace?”</p><p>“They’re just looking out for you,” Sicheng teases. Jisung sticks his tongue in his cheek.</p><p>“It’s good. I feel good. I had a little flare up a few months ago but it’s better now.”</p><p>“Good.” Sicheng smiles even brighter. “I’m glad you get to perform with all of us this time.”</p><p>Jisung’s heart swells as he feels a grin spill across his face. “Me too.”</p><p>He watches Sicheng’s eyes flick over to something behind him and catch for a brief moment, then remembers Yuta’s place by the mirrors. Sicheng doesn’t betray anything beyond a slight tightness to his smile, which quickly smoothes over when he looks back at Jisung.</p><p>“How are you?” Jisung asks him, quietly. “After, you know. Everything.”</p><p>It’s then that something shows through, just a little, a touch of bitterness leaking into Sicheng’s eyes.</p><p>“Fine,” he says. “I’m still here.”</p><p>“I...”</p><p>Jisung searches for what to say to make it better, but he’s eventually stopped short by the fact that he can’t actually do anything to fix this. He feels out of his depth, faced with something he knows nothing about; his initial optimism about Yuta and Sicheng going their separate ways is gone in the face of Sicheng’s carefully-covered grief.</p><p>“...I’m sorry,” is what comes out of Jisung’s mouth, and he hopes Sicheng can tell that he means it.</p><p>“It’s...” Sicheng is quiet for a moment. A muscle in his jaw jumps. “Thank you.”</p><p>Jisung feels like a fool when he remembers saying all those things to Johnny weeks ago about Yuta and Sicheng learning from each other, moving on as better people.</p><p>Would he say the same things if it were Johnny leaving him?</p><p>“You don’t regret it, do you?” Jisung asks, then immediately worries he’s overstepped. But Sicheng just looks a little surprised, some of the fog clearing from his face as he meets Jisung’s eyes again.</p><p>“No,” he says, then smiles. “Never.”</p><p>Jisung nods, some of the embarrassment at his words receding. Then Sicheng smiles wider and reaches out to pinch his cheek.</p><p>“Our Jisungie,” he says. “You really are grown up.”</p><p>Jisung can’t do anything but blush and avert his eyes, letting himself be doted on although he half-heartedly swats at Sicheng’s hand. He bids Sicheng farewell and is corralled by wardrobe and makeup, the exhilarating whirlwind of pre-show preparations taking hold of him.</p><p>He sees Johnny again at sound check, still far away, keeping to his job of easing everyone’s nerves. Johnny doesn’t <em> seem </em> different today. He’s still clowning around, drawing giggles out of the members with dumb jokes. Jisung supposes that this doesn’t feel much different than it did in the beginning, back when they were friendly but not intimately so. When did he start expecting Johnny’s attention?</p><p>Jisung watches him, transfixed. He’s crushed by an insurmountable ache when he watches Johnny sometimes, especially like this when everyone is stuck on him; he understands why he’s just one of the many at Johnny’s feet but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel suffocated by it. Drowned out by all the other people trying to get Johnny’s attention.</p><p>With a deep breath, he opens up the channel for a short moment and allows it to flow out.</p><p>It’s viscous and thick, this kind of longing. He has a faint memory of a watered-down version, years ago when he first discovered what it was like not to be wanted back. But now he has pictures to go with the feeling—Johnny’s hair falling across his cheek when he’s bent over Jisung, his thumb digging into Jisung’s thigh. It’s an incongruous image with the one that’s before him, the one where Johnny isn’t looking at him or for him or even through him, and he wonders what he could’ve done to make Johnny turn the other way.</p><p>Scalding, he closes the channel again. He’s being ridiculous. It’s a busy day and Johnny likely has everyone else’s weight on his shoulders—of course he’s sharing himself with everyone.</p><p>Jisung is still in his peripheral. Johnny just has a full-time occupation of keeping the world sweet.</p><p>The concert begins in a blur of color and sound—a different kind of suffocation that Jisung sorely missed. The hot itch of the stage lights and the sound of real people in the crowd almost brings him to tears, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry until the end, when likely everyone else would be crying too. Smirking, he remembers Johnny confessing his urge to cry at the mere thought of being onstage like this again, and with a start wonders if he’ll see Johnny break down today. The thought frightens him.</p><p>Nevertheless, he doesn’t stop grinning through the whole show. He’s been dancing again for a while since his recovery but dancing in front of a crowd is different, glittering, like his body is made of gossamer. He floats through the choreography like he’s dreaming.</p><p>Just when he’s accepted that Johnny isn’t going to interact with him at all for the day, he’s proven wrong. He’s taking off his shirt backstage when he catches Johnny looking at him, briefly like he still doesn’t want to get caught, but looking all the same. Jisung takes an extra moment to sip from his water bottle and notices Johnny glancing over again, his eyes darting around Jisung’s body before landing on his face; Jisung smiles at him as he licks a drop of water from his lip and earns a lopsided grin that’s quickly stifled.</p><p>It’s overwhelming how much of an effect this has on Jisung’s body. A second of Johnny’s eyes on him and his skin is tingling, his stomach drops to his feet, his palms start to sweat like he’s about to jump out of a plane. Maybe Johnny’s just keeping his distance while there are so many people around—Jisung certainly knows that if he has to go onstage with an erection, he’ll expire on the spot.</p><p>The second half of the show flies by without incident, and Jisung manages to keep his dick in check even when he locks gazes with Johnny during <em> Work It. </em>They accidentally bump into each other when they’re exiting the stage and Johnny’s hand goes to Jisung’s lower back like an instinct, searing the shape of his fingers into Jisung’s skin even through layers of fabric, firm and steady and real. Jisung can’t help it; he leans into Johnny’s touch like he’s starved of it, sucking in a breath that he hopes, belatedly, won’t alert the other members to what’s going on right next to them. Quickly, Johnny removes his hand, but not before shooting him a look that’s laced with something wild and deep. It steals all the breath right out of Jisung’s lungs.</p><p>Johnny gives him another glance backstage. Then another. Jisung is confused at the slowly accelerating turnaround but the air between them feels taut enough to snap, even when they’re on opposite sides of the room.</p><p>When it’s time for the final few songs in the encore they crowd onto a stage lift, and by some accident or miracle Johnny’s front ends up pressed, hip to shoulder, against Jisung’s back. <em> Close, </em>close enough that Jisung can feel Johnny’s chest rising and falling against his shoulder blades and the vibration when Johnny rolls his wrist a few times until it pops. He can hear Johnny’s heavy breathing right next to his ear; if he’s not mistaken, it’s a little shaky and uneven, pausing for a second as Johnny swallows.</p><p>They’re waiting for the signal to go up. Everything Jisung has in him is pleading him to grind back into Johnny filthily, to make Johnny wind his arms around Jisung’s middle as he ruts against his ass, but he keeps standing stock still. He doesn’t even move a millimeter in fear of some part of his coming into contact with some part of Johnny’s and both of them winding up with a dilemma on their hands.</p><p>Slightly, not enough that anyone else would notice, he turns his head to the side. It’s not much of a suggestion of anything, really, and it hardly does anything to satisfy Jisung’s urges to tangle their bodies together. But he hopes it lets Johnny know that he’s aware of him. That he’s thinking about him, unable to stop.</p><p>In the end, Jisung does cry. He cries during his ending ment to the cheers and chanting of all the other members combined, plus Jaemin reaching out to wipe his cheek, and Doyoung pulling him in for a hug. Jisung just cries harder, mixed up and grateful and sensitive from everything tumbling around inside him, aware of Johnny’s presence a few feet away. His desire to run to him is all-consuming.</p><p>When they do their final bow, Johnny takes his hand.</p><p>Jisung reaches out and he’s right there, not even bothering to clasp on business-style; instead, he runs the heel of his palm down Jisung’s wrist until he reaches his fingers, then deliberately, decisively, interlocks them.</p><p>Jisung feels like he could combust. They’ve never held hands before, much less touched this much outside of the comfort of the guest room, and it shouldn’t be affecting him like this but the <em> intimacy </em> of their connected hands rips through Jisung like a wildfire. Johnny strokes his thumb across Jisung’s when they’re mid-bow and Jisung has a millisecond-crisis about whether he meant to do so or not, panicking as he tries to decide whether he should do it back or if that would be too much or if Johnny even intended to move his thumb at all.</p><p>They let go and Jisung is suddenly able to breathe again, kicking himself for not monitoring his expressions more closely. Chenle likes to tease him about how he wears his heart on his face instead of his sleeve, and Jisung can’t afford to have anyone catch on with how many looks he and Johnny shared over the course of the concert.</p><p>In the middle of his worrying, there’s a curl of relief. Johnny may belong to everybody, but Jisung still covets a piece of his own.</p><p>By the time they get offstage again Jisung is ablaze, practically shaking with the combined adrenaline of the show and Johnny touching him. He excuses himself to find some air in a mostly empty hallway, bending over with both hands on his knees and taking a few deep breaths.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>His lungs betray him at Johnny’s voice, urging his heart to speed up right along with them. Jisung straightens up and turns around to find Johnny strolling down the hall with his hands in his pockets.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Johnny stops a few feet away. This is the first time they’ve spoken to each other today.</p><p>“Just checking to see if you were okay.”</p><p>“Oh.” Jisung huffs a laugh. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just catching my breath.”</p><p>“Right. Of course.”</p><p>Johnny takes one hand out of his pocket to rub at his jaw, doing that inhale that makes Jisung nervous. That means he’s about to say something important.</p><p>“I wanted to wait until after the show, to, uh...” He smiles at the floor. “We haven’t really had time to talk since our little exchange yesterday.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jisung feels himself starting to blush.</p><p>“And I wanted to give you some space, because I wasn’t sure...” This time Johnny exhales, narrowing his eyes. “...Was it too much? We didn’t really agree on doing what we did, and I assumed—”</p><p>“—Oh, no, you’re—!” Jisung laughs again. “—You’re fine. It’s totally fine, I just, you know, busy with the concert, and I needed as much sleep as I could get, and—it wasn’t—you were fine.”</p><p>Johnny’s smiling too, now. “Okay. You sure?”</p><p>“Sure.” Jisung tips his head to the side. “Is that why you haven’t talked to me all day?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Johnny says. “I didn’t want to spook you.”</p><p>“I’m not so easily spooked.”</p><p>He’s still at a comfortable distance. There isn’t anyone in the hallway but being out in broad daylight talking about this makes Jisung’s whole body tense up like he might need to run soon. His words have stopped short; the conversation has trailed off but it doesn’t feel over yet. There’s something lurking in the spaces between their words.</p><p>This isn’t the place for this. They should both be celebrating with the members in the wake of a job well done after months of hard work. Besides, they haven’t seen each other properly in over a week—that lurking thing is probably just the fact that Jisung wants to tear Johnny’s clothes off and that Johnny, he hopes, wants to do the same.</p><p>No, Jisung knows this for sure now. He’s reminded of what Johnny said over text that night and has to reel in his desires with all the force he has.</p><p>“We should get back,” he says. Johnny nods but doesn’t make any other movements.</p><p>“Yeah. We should.”</p><p>Jisung takes a hesitant couple steps toward him, fully intending to head down the hallway, but as he gets caught in Johnny’s orbit he slows.</p><p>He stops less than a foot away. This is the most danger he’s ever put them in but Johnny still isn’t moving save for his eyes, which scan Jisung’s body agitatedly. Jisung doesn’t know what he’s doing. He hasn’t known what he was doing since the very first time he admitted his attraction to Johnny, all the way through their sessions together, just covering his eyes and hurtling through each night blind. Jisung realizes Johnny is waiting for the next step but his mind is blank, there’s nothing there but the need to be close to him.</p><p>They can’t do this here. It’s not safe. Jisung needs to <em> move </em>.</p><p>And he moves, head completely empty, limbs being tugged by an invisible force. He delicately presses his lips against Johnny’s cheek with a hand on his upper arm, fingertips damp with perspiration on the fabric of Johnny’s shirt, then pulls back slowly. He’s barely breathing—his throat feels too tight, he thinks he might be forgetting how to breathe altogether—and his ears are ringing and the rest of his body rigid with nerves, but Johnny is just staring at him with his mouth slightly open, shock plain on his face. The longer the silence stretches, the more urgent Jisung’s need to flee becomes.</p><p>“Okay,” he says, awkwardly. “I’m gonna just. I’ll see you in there.”</p><p>He wipes his palms on his pants and turns away, already cursing himself out creatively and lengthily for doing something so stupid. What was he <em> thinking? </em> That was far too tender, too impulsive—what if this skews things even more and Johnny tells him they need to take a step back? Johnny must know about Jisung’s feelings still, Jisung isn’t <em> that </em> good at hiding them. He begins to let the cloud of self-loathing overtake him as he takes one step away from Johnny, two steps, three—</p><p>A hand catches his wrist and before Jisung can think he’s being whipped around and <em> yanked </em> into a kiss, Johnny’s left hand coming up to cradle the back of his head as his right practically cuts off the circulation in Jisung’s hand. There are stars, or maybe fireworks like in all the clichés, but through it Jisung is somehow able to register that Johnny is <em> kissing him, </em> open-mouthed and dirty and wrapping his arms around Jisung’s waist to pull him in as close as he possibly can. In return, Jisung throws his arms around Johnny’s neck and presses in even harder, senses lost in how Johnny’s hair feels between his fingers, how he smells, tastes, God, how he <em> tastes </em>—Johnny’s tongue meets his desperately and Jisung sucks on it, cock stirring at the wet noises of their mouths meeting that echo off the walls.</p><p>“Shit,” Johnny gasps when they break apart. “We shouldn’t—we’re still—bathroom? There’s one down the hall—”</p><p>Jisung doesn’t say anything more, he just takes Johnny’s hand and pulls him down the hallway, praying that no one steps into it.</p><p>They crash through the bathroom door together, hungry for each other’s lips again and not wasting a second to put them to use. Johnny kisses viciously, like he has something to prove, like he can’t keep it all in his body and has to pour everything into Jisung’s mouth as fast as he can. Jisung can almost taste his arousal on his tongue, and the way Johnny takes his lower lip between his teeth has him rolling his hips hard as they maneuver clumsily into the single stall.</p><p>“Jisungie,” Johnny breathes between kisses, “God, you’ve been driving me crazy every fucking day—I don’t know what to do with myself—”</p><p><em> “Hyung, </em> you— <em> ” </em> Jisung moans as Johnny goes for his neck. He’s holding Jisung close still as he presses him up against the wall of the stall, one hand on his lower back and one between his shoulder blades. “Y-you can’t be serious, you— <em> anhh </em>—”</p><p>Johnny’s teeth sink into his collarbone and he sucks there for a moment—Jisung almost stops him because he’s <em> sure </em> it’ll leave a mark, but he’s too late and by the time Johnny is kissing his way back up his neck Jisung is putty in his hands.</p><p>“Dead serious,” Johnny says. “I can’t stop thinking about you. This week has been fucking torture.”</p><p>“—Me too, you’re all I’ve thought about, especially after the picture you sent me—”</p><p>“—You liked it?”</p><p>“Of course I liked it.” Jisung rolls his eyes. “I was so turned on I thought I was going to die.”</p><p>Johnny grins and returns to his lips; Jisung licks at the seam of Johnny’s mouth like a Hail Mary, like he’ll never kiss anyone ever again. Johnny has started grinding into him carelessly; he’s not sure if they’d ever been this uncoordinated before and he doesn’t even know what the endgame is but he couldn’t care less. For the moment, he adds to the friction and presses his hips against Johnny’s, finding pleasure in whatever way he can.</p><p>“—Jerked off to you almost every night,” Johnny continues. “God, Sungie—”</p><p>Each revelation just makes Jisung pull him in closer, rut faster against his thigh even though the friction is terrible.</p><p><em> “Hyung,” </em> he whines, the force of Johnny’s desire even more suffocating than the force of his distance. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten off to you this week. I’m <em> sore.” </em></p><p><em> “Fuck, </em>baby,” Johnny groans, and Jisung almost comes in his pants right there when the word leaves Johnny’s lips. “You wanted me to touch you on the lift, didn’t you? When you looked over your shoulder?”</p><p>“You noticed?”</p><p>“Of course I noticed.” Johnny kisses him deeply. “I was already noticing you anyway.”</p><p>“Shit,” Jisung breathes. “I did, I wanted you to grab my hips or <em>something,</em> I couldn’t even <em> think </em>—”</p><p>Johnny’s hands find his hips now, squeezing. “I’ll do anything you want, Jisung-ah, anything, just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll—”</p><p>“—I want you inside me,” Jisung blurts, the last shreds of his filter disintegrating.</p><p>“Like, my fingers? We can’t, it’ll take too much time—”</p><p>Jisung reaches down and grabs Johnny’s cock through his pants, making Johnny grunt in surprise.</p><p>“I want <em> this </em> inside me.”</p><p>“Oh, fuck.” Johnny rubs up against Jisung faster, sloppy, too eager. <em> “God, </em>baby, you want me to fuck you?”</p><p>“Yeah, I want you to—want you to be my first—”</p><p>“Shit, fuck, Jisung-ah—” Johnny takes Jisung's face in both hands and licks into his mouth; Jisung melts against him so easily that he thinks he might slip right out of Johnny's arms and onto the floor. “We can’t here, but let me—”</p><p>Johnny leans back for a moment to undo his pants and Jisung follows suit; he’s leaking all over himself and when Johnny presses their cocks together it’s slick and perfect and makes Jisung gasp into Johnny’s mouth.</p><p>“You want me to fuck that tight little ass?” Johnny growls, and Jisung thrusts up into his hand impossibly harder as he feels his orgasm approaching.</p><p><em> “Please, </em>Hyung.” He's desperate, all his fantasies of Johnny fucking him springing to life at once. “You want that too, right?”</p><p>“Want it so bad—I bet you feel fucking amazing with the way you were clenching around my fingers—”</p><p>“—Fuck, I’m so close,” Jisung breathes, “Keep going, keep—<em> ahh </em>—Johnny Hyung—”</p><p>Jisung’s blood turns cold when he hears the bathroom door swing open.</p><p>Johnny freezes in place, a look of terror crossing his features that Jisung has never seen the likes of before. Jisung clings to him like a lifeline as footsteps approach the stall, light, careful; it could be anyone and Jisung won’t know until they speak up, fuck, why aren’t they <em> speaking </em>—</p><p>“Johnny?”</p><p>Johnny’s eyes slam shut, his face contorting.</p><p>“Shit,” he whispers, and then, louder, “Ten?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/bambirougefic">twt</a> <br/><a href="https://curiouscat.qa/bambirouge">cc</a><br/>•••<br/>thank you for reading! a kudos or comment would mean the world ♡</p></blockquote></div></div>
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